Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:21:44
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 22:40:51
remembering...
what it's about...
i always did want to do medicine. i took human biology at school for school certificate. because it was an option. i didn't hardly attend... but they didn't teach us anything, anyway... passed the exam (just) on general knowledge...
then... when the university people came around... i said medicine... and they asked how my grades were in science. and i said i wasn't doing science... and they laughed. so... i thought i couldn't.
i remember when i just started high school... looking through all the subjects you could take in later years and getting excited about picking what i would take...
i remember i did want to do science... it wasn't until later... that people told me it required math. and i didn't realize science was incremental, either. i thought you could just pick it up your last year at high school. like how i just picked up art history. biology (i did do). i thought i could just pick up chemistry or physics. but i didn't know they were math...
and somehow... all i ever really worked at was english (because i loved to read the books). and i didn't hardly attend anything else... i liked classical studies... socrates, mostly. is something virtuous because it is loved by the gods or do the gods love it because it is virtuous? i got a f*ck*ng kick out of that. loved it. mental mindbender tricky... it made me... happy. then at university open day the philosophy people talked about... personal identity. if you chop off tracy's legs and send them to spain while the rest of her is in france then where is tracy? what if you send her brain to berlin? and i knew... i had to do philosophy.
then... i remember applying for phd's in philosophy... looking into auckland back then... seeing that they had a math test for math entry and thinking... i couldn't. then a guy from the spanish department went off to do it and he said they had changed the entry requirements... no math test anymore...
i still thought i couldn't though... that it was math and science requiring math... that i couldn't do it...
and i mentioned it to my p-doc and he... looked very uneasy. and reccommended against it. and told me i couldn't / shouldn't. something like that... and i guess i thought... my medical record / history. would be accessible. they'd find out. they wouldn't let me do it.
so i went off to do a phd...
and found myself drawn to philosophy of medicine... then my father died... and i got to do some grad level cognitive neuroscience (over in science) in the US... and i just... really wanted more science... more science... tried to visit a science lab in sydney (they said they would have me) but no luck finding suitable accommodation (so very important to me) in sydney... then my teaching gig was supposed to bring me closer... but it didn't because of accommodation again... the way the pay was (so very far behind) i still couldn't afford an extra night (and couldn't take the 6 person share for more than 1 night for my sanity)...
then discovering the gym. seeing people doing olympic lifts. wanting to be able to move like that more than most things. a symbol of... flexibility. strength. co-ordination. beauty... naturalness... something... peaceful and perfect i found there.
i don't have any proper muscular firing sequence patterns. thinking... thinking... years of disuse. then i did have shock treatment... seizures... then the trauma of the fall... shock, again. i had to work so very hard to be able to do any freeweight movement kinda sorta semi correctly. i mean... form is something you continually work on forever... but my 'natural sequences' are... wrong. and of course i had to learn to walk again after my injuries... so that was near to me. then learning how to jump... nothing is natural for me. so... i wanted to learn how to do things properly... then everyones athropomentry is different and really we don't know a great deal... and everybody's got a theory... and learning to listen to my body again. when to listen. in what respects.
then seeing bar path trajectories... and thinking about lever lengths etc... and i really wanted to do bio-mechanics... i think there is something not very useful that happens sometimes with people drawing dots on the joints and following trajectories through time... but you can't get an 'ought' from an 'is'... and just because people do doesn't mean people 'should' do it like that... and wanting to learn more...
and physio... and then they wouldn't let me do bio-mechanics. even though i tried from a good 6 months prior to anything even starting to apply for a substitution paper... then realizing... sometimes the thing to do is to follow the smart people instead of the subject area... finding my way to this uni... happy here... there is sports science here... but there is also physics... and i think i should do some physics and see...
i have this thing... about q angles for women. about how i think our knees should go out more like frogs than current teaching / theory suggests. we tell women to take a 'shoulder width' stance but what the f*ck do shoulders (of guys or girls) have to do with setting foot width?
part of the problem seems to be... those 2d models are f*ck*ng complicated already. complicated complicated complicated i can't do / make one. i don't know what to make of it. i'm suspicious, too, with respect to what if anything can be made of it... i need to learn more about how they are made, what they are good for, known limitations etc...
but stance width. tracking knee movement out laterally... thats important. for women especially.
and i'm curious just today it occurred to me... i wonder if women should tuck their elbows more... with their shoulders being narrower... less supported by muscle... something something... whereas guys should go wider... thinking... i can do tricep pushups not much trouble. wider stance (where guys want to go) is much much harder for me. i'm wondering if there might be a reverse analogy here...
i was seeing some reptilian lizard movement in this comparative animal movement book i got.. about how their limbs are set off to the sides of their bodies rather than being underneath them. how they bent them to be lower to the ground... how they waddled because of that... it got me thinking... women's hips are wider so maybe their legs waddle (bent knees out a bit)... gotta put your knees somewhere with that q angle.. i wonder if guys waddle more with their arms... because their shoulders are wider... which sets their arms really off from the sides of their bodies...
does that kinda make sense??
i, uh,
want to learn about this sh*t. but it is unclear where to go...
i guess i was hoping orthopedics... and i'll get to learn HEAPS of other cool sh*t along the way. and, uh, yeah, perhaps discover a fascination with something i've never even heard of. or something... random. the spleen, maybe. or some weird disorder of the skin, or something...
otherwise... if medicine doesn't work out...
there are options... i guess there is bio-med... but there is also sports science. there is law... there are combinations... double degrees... double majors... the government will surely loan me money to finish a degree and i can certainly draw that out... then... if i apply to medicine (again) after finishing a degree... i'm pretty darned sure the government wouldn't not loan me money if i'd been offered a place in medicine.
so... i guess...
enjoy the journey...
i suspect... at the end of the day... it's all about mathematical modelling. sigh. that's what happened with cognitive neuroscience. everything... i would like... to understand what is going on... and i would like... to find my niche. i'm not sure where.
i wanted... movement *prescription*. diagnosis of faulty movement... prescriptions for fixing it. whether it be joint manipulations, foam rolling / trigger release, dinky exercises, not so dinky exercises. i thought... THAT was what it was supposed to be about.
problem: people don't do their exercises.
apparently.
i guess... that's why you gotta hold their hands to get them to do it...
nobody gives a sh*t... it's not life and death. people would rather pay a surgeon... 'fix it for me i won't do anything to help myself'
yeah.
and... my old notes are gone. paper notes... gone after 7 years or 10 years or whatever... so mostly gone. and this 'autistic spectrum' thing... 'aspergers'... whatever. it, uh, it's okay. alright. i mean... really. it isn't like 'borderline'. or 'dissociative identity disorder'. things that people... don't want to poke you with a barge pole... this is... different.
i, uh. i hope the nurse lady might be able to help me figure some things to say so that i can make some friends and keep my own personal space. because... people here... understand me... or... they are more capable of understanding me than most people in the world. they are decent people. and most of them are focused on their work etc too. and there must be ways i can say to them that i just need more personal space etc etc so they won't take it personal if i don't want to hang out... and then... once i know i have my space... i would want to hang out more. i would like to make some friends here, yeah. and in a way it is perfect with most people only being about for 6 months and then moving on. it, uh, gives me different people to, uh, practice with. worst case... i only f*ck things up for 6 months. or, uh, have to move to the other building / wing for a bit...
i am happy here. i, uh, hope i can build a life to, uh, help others one day. where i earn money. i guess that is the idea. where i earn more money than i have now. where i'm not borrowing to study... not relying on welfare payments to live. i guess that is the aim. ? i... would like some more money, yes. but, uh, i'm pretty happy, yeah. will be good to have that little bit of grading... i think i've figured a way to work without physical textbooks... need to put more into the clothes thing to feel... acceptable. human. at peace with myself / my appearance / my presentation to the world. need a bit more there... because things really ran down over the years. but, uh, that's all. that's it.
life is good.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140621/msgs/1068041.html