![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 160 to 184 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on June 19, 2014, at 23:50:39
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by Partlycloudy on June 19, 2014, at 23:00:19
aw. thanks for being here pc. hugs if safe. i kinda feel like a hug.
i... don't suppose being charged with assault signifies that i handled things well :(
i, uh, don't quite know what to say. i feel... a little guilty that i don't feel remorse. but that seems to be about as close as i can get to actually feeling remorse. i'm still trying to refocus, honestly. so it has taken a couple days... maybe not so bad... i have been working pretty intensely and steadily on chem... maybe it was time for a little bit of a break. i'll get back to it tonight...
i just checked out the health science pathway again... the first semester paper (at least) couldn't have been any more of an easy pass for me than if i had gotten someone to design a paper to be just that. it is basically stuff about health systems. very much analytic philosophy (what is 'efficiency' what is 'health'? who gets to decide? etc) / social policy / law. i'd imagine it would be hard work for 18 year olds... developing... the idea of trade-offs and problems with measurement and different people having different objectives... but an interesting new content to be philosophical about (like how i got to tutor 'politics and rights' to a bunch of australian lawyers and learned a lot about the legal system in australia while helping them develop their notion of 'rights' in more philosophical directions...) more of that... except they were second years...
second semester... social psychology and another paper that looks a little like the above... but a little less... uh... thought out. need to write about either gender or age inequalities (yawn) and propose a way of improving the system in that direction (yawn again. i'm sure they'll basically tell us what to think - basically tell us to think whatever new policy just got through / is on its way through / get us motivated to work in aged care!! or, uh... maternity?? i don't f*ck*ng know..)
anyway... the point is... they only involve 2 one hour lectures per week and a one hour tutorial. so... three contact hours. if i do bio-med... each paper is 4 contact hours and a 3 hour lab every second week. i guess... a bunch of people get to be all like 'i got a scholarship for high school physics so i can do the physics paper and do no work and still pull an A'. i guess... i sort of get to do the same thing... the readings / writing that length essays... really won't take me very much time at all.
the point is: to focus on the overlapping 4 (which is involved in my ranking). The fillers... are just about your making the overall cutoff (B+/A- overall GPA somewhere around there).
I... did want to do physics... but i get to do physics next semester. so... uh... so there. and as for biochemistry... if i don't get a place in medicine... then i can switch back to a science degree (bio-med even) the following year...
so... all's well. i... i'm grateful that i'm learning about equations now and i get more practice with them next semester. and i suppose... uh... i'll be really grateful to have not quite so many labs next year... a lot more hours in bed... with a book... ha.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 20, 2014, at 20:58:22
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on June 19, 2014, at 23:50:39
chemistry is just... too much, really. the idea seems to be to test the chemistry knowledge by requiring you to apply different / novel mathematical procedures to it... and i don't have any mathematical knowledge except for what i need to kludge together in order to solve past problems... and that doesn't seem to be helping me solve other ones so... i'm just kind of... overwhelmed by it all, really. and of course... they told me so.
i don't suppose it matters. all that mattered was organic... and i got some confidence with that, yeah. not sure how i'll do on that in the exam... just feeling... a bit burned out by it all, really. started really enjoying reading again... for the first time since... well... since my very first year at uni as an undergrad... all the way back when i was majoring in english. i mean... waking up at 3am and reading a couple chapters...
started reading a bit of animal biology, too. just to remind myself... that things will come right. that i will turn out to be good at something. that i know how to study for that. most of it is... seems to be a fairly thin attempt to disguise a human biology course. i mean... there are token bits about how this and that animal does this and that... but mostly... they actually use humans as the example case. so we do tissue types and organ systems. a little comparative... but basically... a primer for next year, indeed. and of course... i've done HAPS already for sports science... more musculo-skeletal than we'll do... stuff on neural and muscular tissue... cardio-respiratory system (the sports people wanted to call it)... i know i'm good at that stuff... and digestion, too. nutrition... of course.
it was odd, though... reading some of the cell stuff. different things seemed... salient. meant something to me. stuff on surface area of cells and diffusion and... well... i have learned a lot in chemistry after all. and conceptually... it is very interesting, indeed. it is just... well... designed for kids with years and years of science and math behind them... and for me... it is just all a bit too much.
i feel... hurty. it isn't just me... i don't understand why community mental health receptionists / nurses are... some of the people with the poorest communication skills that there are... i mean... how did that get to be? is it managers? that the people making the hiring decisions don't have to work with them? that the whole point is to hire people who most people will... quietly run the hell away from? is that the idea?
i'm so... confused.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 20, 2014, at 21:08:47
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on June 20, 2014, at 20:58:22
maybe i will end up doing law... if i don't get into med. maybe i'll forget about bio-med (which might turn out to be the end of the road for me GPA-wise)... do physiology... do a double degree with law... patient law... that's a big deal... or... criminal. forensics... it is odd... but in many respects i do get on pretty good with homeless people etc.
i also... uh... really genuinely don't have moral qualms about a defendants job being to defend their client as best they can (including utilizing obscure technicalities) and with respect to guilty or innocent... that's for juries to decide.
city mission...
only trouble is it is bringing back stuff... bringing back stuff... drug contact stuff... being noticed by people... picking up what's locally on offer... this... isn't so good for me.
i better not get community service. sigh. only thing potentially worse would be being required to attend drug rehab...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 20, 2014, at 21:34:51
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on June 20, 2014, at 21:08:47
my bad... youth...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2014, at 21:09:35
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on June 20, 2014, at 21:34:51
well... that was pretty crap. something something about diversion. i don't even know what that means. something something about how i'll probably have to do something... help clean up a school or write her a letter of apology 'i'm so sorry your listening skills suck so bad'. they said i kicked her which i didn't. they said i wanted a doctors form signed (she didn't know that - she never even asked me what i wanted to see the doctor about before deciding that i couldn't). but... whatever.
apparently diversion might not be an option. something something about how it might be outside police jurisdiction to do that since she was a government worker. in which case i'll get a forensic lawyer next time. couple weeks.. go back..
Posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2014, at 21:15:54
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2014, at 21:09:35
the problem is... people who aren't appropriately sensitive. i can't... i can't deal with them. and there are an awful lot of them in mental health in particular. and when you need someone to be appropriately sensitive to you for a bit... and these other people who aren't... and the people who aren't are the gatekeepers.... and they will never let me past. never. that always becomes their main aim in life. to stop me. if they can't help me they'll sure as hell make it so nobody else is allowed to. they'll move heaven and earth to do so.
this dynamic... for me... always.
those whose very job it is to help... are those who i need most protection from. mother and co. community mental health.
bitch woman. i hate her so.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 25, 2014, at 21:56:33
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2014, at 21:15:54
i could do law, i think. it is... structured. ordered. procedural. rule based ahahaha. formal... i like all of that. it is... comforting.
i know everyone wants to do criminal law (though an awful lot change their minds when they learn they don't get to pick and choose who they defend)... and i know lots of lawyers are *ssh*l*s... but still... it is a very verbal field... and lots of hunting out cases... and claiming they are just the same in certain relevant respects to what you want to happen over here... and it's philosophy, really. i'm good at that. at those connections. at that way of thinking... analogy...
and the lawyers i talked to were... reasonable people. and so were the police, actually. and the judge was nice. he even asked if i had managed to get to see a doctor and showed some kind of concern that i wasn't allowed to go within 20 meters of community mental health...
the lawyer kept saying 'minor minor minor' and i did get the impression that they were... puzzled... that someone had decided to phone the police and waste everyones time on this... the cop at the station was like... said something about how she is bound to get hit all the time in her job and it was just that today was the day she choose to try and do something about that. he seemed a bit sheepish about that. like... how she sort of waited for the most harmless person to persecute, uh prosecute, uh, defend herself against. whatever.
i am surprised she lied. or that the cop guy did to make it sound... less crappy. i did not kick her or try. she did not say that i could see the doc in a couple weeks. she did not know why i wanted to see the doc. she did not even ask. she did not assess me (she told them i did not need to see a doctor). she was... full of f*ck*ng sh*t, she was. she only came out to throw her weight around... and you should have seen the f*ck*ng grin on her face when i hit her.
anyway... whatever...
at least... i'm not getting... uh... camus... had me worried. worried about the appropriate remorse thing. hitting people is not okay. of course. i understand that. but as for remorse... nobody seems to actually expect me to feel it. under the circumstances. next hearing.. i might have to meet with a police officer to discuss the terms of the diversion... whether i have to write her a letter or whatever. apparently i get to tell them my side of things... and they help figure out what is to happen. apparently she needs to decide whether she's happy with my getting diversion or not... but i'm sure they will want to teach her a lesson too about wasting police time...
and there it is.
so... feeling better about law. which is good. because, uh, given labs... it might come to that.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 25, 2014, at 22:04:22
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 19, 2014, at 20:07:36
> but no... reception has to tell nurse. who tells nurse who tells nurse. who tells reception to... who tells me to... then reception tells nurse.... then after a while nurse comes out. only to find that nurse can't help me because nurse can't sign form. at which point nurse tells me that i've been discharged and i should go to my gp. at which point i say that while i've tried to find a suitable gp i don't have one yet and finding one and their retrieving my notes will take time... it'sa process and nobdoy f*ck*ng helped me with that when they decided to just f*ck*ng drop me by discharging me. at which point she tells me to go to a gp... at which point i say 'what did i just tell you about the gp thing' at which point she tells me a p-doc can't see me because i've been discharged... at which point i start hitting her repeatedly for being a willfully obnoxious pig.
huh.memory is a... funny... funny, thing.
that's right. i remember now. i did start to try and explain the situation a bit... because i wanted to emphasise the whole 'less than 10 minutes' thing... then her inability / unwillingness to follow along the chain of reasoning... got me frustrated.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 1:09:42
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 25, 2014, at 22:04:22
oh... so... the perfect job thing turned out not to be. before the deadline... heard back that the funding wasn't approved for the project or they decided not to go ahead with it or... whatever.
i had a moment of paranoia... maybe they talked to my adviser and he advised them not to have anything to do with me... or... whatever... whatever... then i realized i was probably being paranoid.
think of things the other way:
i was concerned before about it being too many hours, really. i wasn't sure how to work it in with my study and the grading... disability... i can't work too much. and i... uh... i shouldn't work too much. i need to be a bit gentle with me, really. and i don't know how to claim for work like that. i did some subject indexing once and my particular study habits of spending hours staring at a blank screen and then... working at a rapid rate of knotts... i... uh... don't know how to bill that. i ended up, uh, i heard at the end that it cost a lot less than he thought it would... because i underestimated the hours, of course. i don't understand how you estimate those... and then of course all those sleepless nights when you figure out bits that are to be done on it. i see why people pay for *targets* rather than *time spent*. the latter is so hard... and you see people... faffing about and it is so hard to know how to be responsible...
and so, yeah. and there it is. a little sad. but i guess i can get myself into the spirit of this perhaps being for the best.
Posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 7:16:25
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 1:09:42
It sounds like the court was properly embarrassed by the complaint brought against you.
And, as far as studying law, I would wonder about billable hours with your style of study and work. To me, the "unbillable" time of processing in your head is as valuable as the documenting of it. It IS part of the process. I shouldn't think you would be easily distracted. Am I right?
I wonder how your lasagna turned out. I made a Mexican casserole equivalent last week, with corn tortillas instead of the pasta layer, and salsa instead of the spaghetti sauce. Chesse was cheddar and something innocuous but very meltable and stringy. Yum.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:07:00
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 7:16:25
hmm... well... i looked at law... seems that if you are into criminal then you might well want to think about a minor in drama... i see that, actually. media presentation etc... image... public image... not entirely sure that is me. talking to the judge is one thing (no worries there)... talking to juries, well...
rhetoric... popularity... politics... of course.
i mean... what did one think democracy was going to be about?
?
Posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 18:22:50
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:07:00
I do think it depends on the country you practice in! And the type of law. Some people specialise in Patents, Estates, rather than civil or criminal. Some of them are quite dry and "rules are rules". If the t's aren't crossed and i's not dotted, the law stands.
So, if you want drama, it's there. It can also be circumvented completely.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:26:10
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:07:00
they say it takes 9-12 months to settle into a place. to... make friends or whatever. i think that is partly why things have been so frustrating for me since moving back to nz... there simply is no fast tracking the process... and then it taking about that amount of time to figure out that... things weren't working for me.
i mean... i guess i bailed on the looking for work in wellington thing a little bit early... but then sport science didn't work out... and then physio didn't work out... maybe i could have pushed on... but the living circumstances were unbearable...
i have come to the right place. stay here... i mean. will stay here. but other things are... taking time, yeah. will do... that's life. there simply is no fast tracking the process.
i just have to believe... things will work out for me. somehow... someway... people are looking out for me... there will be a place for me. something... happy. some sort of... security. eventually. knowledge that... i have a space that is mine. and one day... if / when it comes to it... if i need to go into care or something... that i'm protected by the insensitive space invaders. that latter bit... fills me with fear, actually. i've been looking into health insurance... seems like there really isn't much... isn't any guarantee... a private room should i get hit by a bus... the ability to say 'not that nurse - i don't want that nurse 'looking after' me'...
i... uh... don't know what to say.
most GP's seem to work... 2 or 3 days per week. they are self employed. there were protests or somesuch a while back... the government gave... more to GP's... because of the shortage. to try and recruit them... keep them... because they are cheaper than specialists, i think. government is trying... to get them to work longer hours... after hours especially... cheaper to have patients go to their GP after hours than to go to the ER in the hospital... I mean... There are patients waiting on trolleys in the hallways in the hospitals because we don't have enough hospital beds... Sleeping in the wait room... GP's don't seem to be biting, though...
the lifestyle, apparently.
I think that is what I need. to work... 2 or 3 days per week. spend the rest of that time preparing and decompressing. then actual *quality work* where i can hold my head high about it. feel some kind of self respect.
i think a huge part of the problem is that i'm too old... i should be... nearly there. not starting over. philosophy didn't work for me... people told me so... no portable other... no supportive family... i can't afford to ship myself across the other side of the world for a 1 year post-doc position where my job is to find my next job... wait the couple month it takes for payroll to come through... pay interest on a credit card for late reimbursement... i can't even afford to take up something like a 3 week full time equivalent position without losing the security i've got with disability. whatever...
maybe law. maybe... we'll see. see if medicine comes through for me, i guess. see if... i can do science. labs... who knows. i don't know what to say...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:02
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 18:22:50
crosspost...
yes.
yes. the real work. tax law, or whatever. yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:33
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:02
like science, i guess. the difference between being a lab geek or a face for medicine.
heh.
Posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 19:43:40
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:02
:-)
I wouldn't feel so badly about not having settled on a career by now. It's no longer typical for individuals to be educated in, and then work at the same type of job for an extended length of time.
Wearing many hats (and considering doing so) is more realistic in my book.It's much different doing it all without support - be it family or a relationship with another person. You really are doing this on your own. At the same time you recognise your personal requirements for privacy and quiet.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 19:55:00
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 19:43:40
thanks pc.
i have an exam tomorrow. i feel...
usually i'd be reading... in a relaxed way... consolidating concepts. but equations are different... mental burnout is possible. so i'm, uh, well...
i found a brand new edition of "Campbell Biology" it is a WONDERFUL book. really, very. got an email about the biology coursebooks being available... only they aren't. poor bookshop people are going to get harrassed by students looking for them all day...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:29:16
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 19:55:00
well...
exams have changed a little bit since i was an undergraduate.
seems now it is considered perfectly acceptable to ask a row of people to move so you can get out / leave early.
that will be why people ask for 'disability accommodations' for a quiet examination room.
unbelievable.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:38:55
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:29:16
that was...
long.
there were lots of conceptual questions. but there were equations, too. and the equation questions are fairly cumulative. so if you get lost on an early step you have f*ck*d up the whole section... and the whole section could be worth 5 or 6 marks or so...
enthalpy was... a mess. as predicted. there was a titration question that was similarly so. rates... something weird was going on with one of them... which messed up that whole section (potentially) so... organic... there were a few... oddities. oddities of questions. that i messed up, probably. idiosyncratic bits...
i never have a sense of things for chemistry. so... who the f*ck knows. just... wait and see, i guess.
steel myself for a B... B- even. oh dear god.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 20:06:16
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:38:55
it is over
there is nothing i can do
it will take a while for that to sink in...
biology ho!
i'm curious about how much it is going to be current physiology... vs how much it is going to be evolutionary...
i am...
curious about whether i will turn out to be any good at it after all ahahahahahahahaaa
i am... bracing myself (or something) for calculations for physics (forget the textbook calculate! calculate! calculate! i am an algebraic (no calculus!) calculating machine!)
and a little bit of grading. just a touch. nice little bonus of some new gym shoes and new socks! and so on and so forth... maybe one of the books i'll need for next year...
life is good. i will trek out to the satellite campus (for next year) in a couple weeks (first week i can catch the bus)... visit their library... all the sports education / movement books... take a look... visit their gym...
i got a book on 'exploring the bio-mechanics of animals' which is largely pictures... it is wonderful. i like. very much :)
yay.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2014, at 2:03:21
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 20:06:16
so...
i'm currently having a fit because THERE ARE NEWER EDITIONS OF THE TEXTBOOKS
oh yes there are. and the bookshop does not have them.
and... it should.
i think... something is going on... with US versus 'international' editions of textbooks. best i can figure... it is b*llsh*t. like zoning restrictions on DVD's or whatever... I don't understand it in the textbook case...
is it something about different academic year start dates? because our academic year starts march?
i'm about to start a new semester... and that is around the same as the start of a new academic year... so why can't i get the newest textbooks for my classes??
if i order them online... they get (indefinitely) held up at the shipping stage.... and international editions have a different ISBN
F*CK*NG SUCKS
is what i have to say abotu that.
so, uh, who wants to ship me a textbook?
?
dammit...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 18:36:22
In reply to Re: aargh!!, posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2014, at 2:03:21
going a little bit nutso with the break. not entirely sure what to do with myself. things will come right... probably just before i need to transition back to things starting back. adaptable... i am not, really. meh. i don't know if that's true, or if i'm repeating something back that i once heard a man say... i'm okay. just feel... idle. like i'm idling.
next semester will be better. i'm telling myself. trying to get into the spirit of things. i am doing a good job of transitioning into next year... and beyond... think of it that way... i am doing a good job of it, i am. and a huge part of it is the fact that things take time to set up... it takes people time to get to know me etc. and there is no fast tracking it (since whatever i got from reputation is mostly gone). so... all that stuff is ticking away behind the scenes and i don't need to work on it with conscious effort or anything. i can feel happier about it here, now, because i see it as an investment. it was a waste before... a year here, a year there... takes people time to get to know me time to get to know me time to see i don't fit in time enough for them to get attached so they don't want to let me go / don't know where i can go for a better fit...
i'm feeling... ambivalent about chemistry. i need to sort it out in my mind so there won't be a repeat. basically... i f*ck*d things up, really rather badly. so... i need to make sure it doesn't happen again. i think one of the things i need to think about is how i can get some help with the math. part of it is that i don't know how to set things up / follow the procedures. looking at the calculations that i got right in my first test... i had a big mess of something that looked a bit like a... reaction summary with arrows here and there... lots of calculations... the model answers were all neatly set out on one single line. far less steps. how? in the exam... it turned into a math test for me. procedure fell out. just trying to... free associate a little here and a little there... f*ck*ng mess.
i thought... i thought i would need to ask for help for math, but i didn't think i'd need to ask for help with labs. so... i kinda need to pick my battles, huh. otherwise... there really does get to be a fine line where you need to face up to things... not working out. time to go do something else. i feel... scared. on the one hand i don't want to persist in something that i'm bad at / something that there is no future in for me... on the other hand... i don't want to end up missing out on something great that could have been just because that last remark strikes people as my being 'wishy washy' or 'not really wanting it' or whatever. i... don't know.
i don't see how anybody is supposed to know what they want to do, or whatever. i mean... you don't know the reality until you are there. reading through the lab manual... we do dissections in the labs. worm in the first one. i feel... distinctly squeemish. i... think worms are really rather gross... bugs... the last one we get a whole rat... i feel like... this is really important. it is important that i get to... take some time. feel relaxed. feel... appropriately reverent for the life, or something. not be amongst a giggle group of 'ew gross' 'what does your picture look like?' people... actually take time to... do it properly. i don't see... how all that can be done in three hours... unless it is mechanised... do this then do that then do the next thing then copy the picture down... just being mindfull to do what the herd is doing as the herd is doing... i guess ability to actually do it... emerges... over the years. instead of... taking longer... then things getting faster... what do i think people dissection or surgery is going to be like? do i really want to do something like that? a huge part of the answer to that is... whether i enjoy things. i can learn motor skills for the gym... i can work really quickly indeed on some things... focus well... i guess i'm hoping that... once i've got a few of the basic motor skills down i can follow along with the herd better. also as the herd... well... as there is a selection process on them... as i come to trust them more... maybe i'll be better able to follow... maybe as they get to know me... maybe things can work.
i found this thing... aspergers guy training to be a doc at cambridge... killed himself because they wouldn't let him qualify (he needed to take pediatrics test for a third time). that would have been what my doc was thinking when she said pediatrics might be harder... all of the screaming babies wanting to be held... i just saw a brief article on it... apparently... he was given accommodations but they weren't enough. i guess that is the concern... where do you draw that line on 'you just aren't any good at this'. pediatrics seems weird place to draw it... lots of areas of medicine don't involve your having to have anything to do with babies... honestly... i'd anticipate having a harder time of things like cervical smears... but maybe you get desensitised to it after a couple birthings...
i suspect... things i think might be hard probably won't be. and things that i don't know anything about... things i've not even dreamed of... will turn out to be hard.
i... for someone who does go on, i don't really know what to say. i see the virtue in equations. all the association... to get to a simple, linear, thing. it is quite beautiful. but my brain... needs to be cajoled... it is good for me, i think.
class at 9 m,t,t,f and class at 4 m,t,w,t. one three hour lab every fortnight (6 of them). have some grading, too. not much. just one class lot (around 30) which is... very minimal, honestly. it would be usual to do 2x that for a normal part time job (2 tut groups). but it is a step up from only having one class this semester... i remember... when i moved from 2 classes per semester to 4 classes per semester being really surprised at how it wasn't all that much more work. when you have more time you spend more time doing things that aren't particularly efficient... because you can tell yourself you have got the time. whatever you do expands to fill, to become everything there is. it will be nice to have more than one thing going on. some diversification. if one thing is getting to be too much and i need a bread from it... i have something else to be getting on with. i feel... like i'll be better equipped for physics... focus on the equations. i've never had to do equations before... i had no idea how to study for that... now i know... setting them up on paper and doing them over and over until it's automatic... the animal biology... labs will be the main thing... evolutionary biology, mostly... will be a chunk to remember... some of the comparative stuff will be interesting... some of the slightly technical stuff on the demands of swimming vs land for respiration... and then locomotion... comparative neuroanatomy... kinda... weirdly interesting. alien life forms... alien forms of life... i think that was partly why i was getting excited about plants. know a lot has come from thinking of plants as having... immune systems... and in philosophy... plants help push the limits on our understanding of evolution (e.g., plants have interesting stuff that push our understanding of survival vs reproduction)... alien life forms, indeed... but animals will be fine... even if rather gross... i hope... i get over that...
i worry that these accommodations will turn out to be... nothing. people can be good at being all 'oh, why didn't you ask for help?' (putting things back on me - my fault, if only i had have asked). and then when i'm like 'i did. remember all that stuff about having powerpoint notes prior to lecture'...
i think... i'm thinking... it really hasn't been very good. i have asked for help on various bits... and with the powerpoint notes... the lecturers had completed them prior so it really wasn't creating extra work for them or anything like that... i have pointed out what i needed. then the consequences of my not getting it (my starting to fall behind) and then the consequences of that (drop from an A+ to a C+ grade from test 1 to test 2). they think that having the lecture notes prior to class wouldn't help me... and they get their way because they have the power to make it so. would having them in advance have helped me? i guess we'll never know. the middle (maths part) lecturer was... sh*t. honestly... the sh*tt**st lecturer i've ever had. an accent which took a good week of lectures to get the hang of... while she sets things up all alien because she thinks the maths looks pretty that way or what the f*ck ever... to teach us stuff that 'isn't in your textbooks you can only get the content on it if you come to class!' with exercises with answers full of typos (same ones she'd given out over a number of years)... sh*t. then when i complained at her that several days after the lecture her lecture notes still weren't available she bitched and moaned about how busy she was and how it was her weekend... they should make her teach high school ffs. wherever the f*ck she came from. actually... that isn't fair... she didn't seem interested in actually teaching... magical... either they can do it all already or else... ?
i forget that... the people factor. which was how i got coaxed into before... until i... found... i didn't have any people. there weren't any people doing anything i was capable of doing. math... yeah... no help carving out a manageable project...
lab accommodations... what are they thinking? they might be thinking to give me an hour alone with a microscope... or have someone talk at me for 5 minutes on how to use it... i... don't think that will be enough. i have to... undo chemistry lab aversion...
i feel... disposable. dispensable. i think that is... science. because of the sheer number of students doing it. they herd them through and... see who they have left. i know already... i don't do well like that.
and so it might just be... that there it is. and the thing is... that's what everyone wants me to believe. it is just so much easier for everyone if i curl up and die - right? either put on a brave face of 'i know exactly what i'm doing get the f*ck out of my way' or be trampled... because that's what we want... teams of gregarious people having you feel good about the fact that they are killing / hurting you with their incompetence. f*ck yeah.
oxford model... thinking... thinking... the summer scholarship where i worked well... oxford model. small group teaching... interaction... questioning... grading... personal development, even. i don't know if it is like that still... or what... but that view of teaching... i was lucky to get stuff invested in me... and i gave it back (worked my *ss off and produced as best i could and was told it was good). which was... the best i've ever got from anyone / anything, really. 'as good as anything that's been done here'. which i didn't know how to take at the time, but whatever...
i'm afraid that i'm going to hate labs. in which case... it's all over. i feel... the weight of most of the world being all like 'well that would be for the best. there are heaps of 18 year olds who say they want it with every fibre of their being so why should the opportunity be given to wishy washy you who doesn't even know what she wants'.
as usual... those who don't think much... get... while those who do... get passed over... i worry it might be a case of that...
i have a better understanding... seems they mostly do want everyone to have a degree. they do save a certain number of places for entry from that first year... they do tend to go to the kids whose parents are doctors. mostly because... i guess the idea is that they really do have some understanding of the reality of the situation. they have parental support (including people they can appropriately talk to etc) - or are more likely to, at any rate. so... if they want to do it... they also have... good influence parents who... decided to stay in NZ rather than bailing for better working conditions and better pay. so... those kids... snap them up, yeah. it does make sense.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 21:46:06
In reply to Re: aargh!!, posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 18:36:22
i just... i don't understand labs. i understand group work where one thing gets handed in by a bunch of people and i understand individual work... but i don't understand this thing where we pretend it is individual (that people are recording what they found or drawing what they saw) but where really people are copying with slight modification... maybe people are better at it than i give them credit for... i think with the water thing... people were... just easy going about it, really. take a recording every 30 seconds... or so... that recording was a little late... but never mind... extrapolate a little, modify the answer a little, you can see the general trend...
i can't. see the general trend. because of the numbers thing, i guess. and it says to take a recording every 30 seconds... so... i'm feeling very literal about that. do it properly. and it's not supposed to matter. rough and ready... 30 or 40 minutes you do it for... talking and joking and so on to make it bearable... fun... apparently. and all i want is a quiet room where i can focus on doing the task properly.
i'm seeing this selection process... it's a little bit of luck... and mostly it's investment.
it's about overpopulation. here we are, tiny little country... not many more people than the population of sydney... and we have issues of overpopulation. crowding in accommodation. though they are starting to say that it is a cultural difference rather than a substandard living accommodation thing. it is concerning...
the mushroom child raising strategy... cast your progeny into the wind and see what sticks. law of averages... some of them will be able to support you in your (relatively young) old age - right? struggle themselves up, somehow... so we get over 1,000 wanting to do science... run the class... see what sticks... and there is a combination... of people who don't know they are expected to study / do any revising / learning outside of class... of people who don't know they can't study effectively in front of the television / with all the overcrowing noise... all kinds... and you make it... or you don't... whatever... nobody gives a sh*t. expendable.
that's the trouble. in being so f*ck*ng reverent about life... we end up treating it like a cheap piece of sh*t. so much more where that came from...
forget the ecosystem... from a person perspective... massive human diebacks would be good...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 22:40:51
In reply to Re: aargh!!, posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 21:46:06
so happy.
getting the hang of this holiday, thing.
it's all cloudy and grey and dismal... and i'm all cosy and warm looking out on it all...
and the gym is great right now. not packed... and most of the people there seem to be... doing their thing. not being bros... not sure what it is... the bros seem to have gone home or gone on holiday or wherever it is the bros go... the bros have gone...
a bunch of people who know what they are doing have moved in... maybe people have just... learned. since it is about half way through the year now... maybe it is that these people had to train early or late in the day, before. because of classes. and now they are enjoying being able to go more leisurely in the middle of the day... where... typically... the bros like to go...
and the website is good for math... and spore is good for a break... and that dinky little game is good for... that curious little catchy repetitive thing that i need to do sometimes... they should make it with 3 as well... instead of 2 i mean... that would be cool...
and i feel bad for grumping... and i hope... i'll learn some social skills so i'm able to get better at... being firm on boundaries with other people. at... communicating with them so they understand. or something. so it might be a bit safer for me to let people in a little bit sometimes. because... i do get kinda lonely... sometimes... anyway... life is good. yeah. i am happy.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:21:44
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 22:40:51
remembering...
what it's about...
i always did want to do medicine. i took human biology at school for school certificate. because it was an option. i didn't hardly attend... but they didn't teach us anything, anyway... passed the exam (just) on general knowledge...
then... when the university people came around... i said medicine... and they asked how my grades were in science. and i said i wasn't doing science... and they laughed. so... i thought i couldn't.
i remember when i just started high school... looking through all the subjects you could take in later years and getting excited about picking what i would take...
i remember i did want to do science... it wasn't until later... that people told me it required math. and i didn't realize science was incremental, either. i thought you could just pick it up your last year at high school. like how i just picked up art history. biology (i did do). i thought i could just pick up chemistry or physics. but i didn't know they were math...
and somehow... all i ever really worked at was english (because i loved to read the books). and i didn't hardly attend anything else... i liked classical studies... socrates, mostly. is something virtuous because it is loved by the gods or do the gods love it because it is virtuous? i got a f*ck*ng kick out of that. loved it. mental mindbender tricky... it made me... happy. then at university open day the philosophy people talked about... personal identity. if you chop off tracy's legs and send them to spain while the rest of her is in france then where is tracy? what if you send her brain to berlin? and i knew... i had to do philosophy.
then... i remember applying for phd's in philosophy... looking into auckland back then... seeing that they had a math test for math entry and thinking... i couldn't. then a guy from the spanish department went off to do it and he said they had changed the entry requirements... no math test anymore...
i still thought i couldn't though... that it was math and science requiring math... that i couldn't do it...
and i mentioned it to my p-doc and he... looked very uneasy. and reccommended against it. and told me i couldn't / shouldn't. something like that... and i guess i thought... my medical record / history. would be accessible. they'd find out. they wouldn't let me do it.
so i went off to do a phd...
and found myself drawn to philosophy of medicine... then my father died... and i got to do some grad level cognitive neuroscience (over in science) in the US... and i just... really wanted more science... more science... tried to visit a science lab in sydney (they said they would have me) but no luck finding suitable accommodation (so very important to me) in sydney... then my teaching gig was supposed to bring me closer... but it didn't because of accommodation again... the way the pay was (so very far behind) i still couldn't afford an extra night (and couldn't take the 6 person share for more than 1 night for my sanity)...
then discovering the gym. seeing people doing olympic lifts. wanting to be able to move like that more than most things. a symbol of... flexibility. strength. co-ordination. beauty... naturalness... something... peaceful and perfect i found there.
i don't have any proper muscular firing sequence patterns. thinking... thinking... years of disuse. then i did have shock treatment... seizures... then the trauma of the fall... shock, again. i had to work so very hard to be able to do any freeweight movement kinda sorta semi correctly. i mean... form is something you continually work on forever... but my 'natural sequences' are... wrong. and of course i had to learn to walk again after my injuries... so that was near to me. then learning how to jump... nothing is natural for me. so... i wanted to learn how to do things properly... then everyones athropomentry is different and really we don't know a great deal... and everybody's got a theory... and learning to listen to my body again. when to listen. in what respects.
then seeing bar path trajectories... and thinking about lever lengths etc... and i really wanted to do bio-mechanics... i think there is something not very useful that happens sometimes with people drawing dots on the joints and following trajectories through time... but you can't get an 'ought' from an 'is'... and just because people do doesn't mean people 'should' do it like that... and wanting to learn more...
and physio... and then they wouldn't let me do bio-mechanics. even though i tried from a good 6 months prior to anything even starting to apply for a substitution paper... then realizing... sometimes the thing to do is to follow the smart people instead of the subject area... finding my way to this uni... happy here... there is sports science here... but there is also physics... and i think i should do some physics and see...
i have this thing... about q angles for women. about how i think our knees should go out more like frogs than current teaching / theory suggests. we tell women to take a 'shoulder width' stance but what the f*ck do shoulders (of guys or girls) have to do with setting foot width?
part of the problem seems to be... those 2d models are f*ck*ng complicated already. complicated complicated complicated i can't do / make one. i don't know what to make of it. i'm suspicious, too, with respect to what if anything can be made of it... i need to learn more about how they are made, what they are good for, known limitations etc...
but stance width. tracking knee movement out laterally... thats important. for women especially.
and i'm curious just today it occurred to me... i wonder if women should tuck their elbows more... with their shoulders being narrower... less supported by muscle... something something... whereas guys should go wider... thinking... i can do tricep pushups not much trouble. wider stance (where guys want to go) is much much harder for me. i'm wondering if there might be a reverse analogy here...
i was seeing some reptilian lizard movement in this comparative animal movement book i got.. about how their limbs are set off to the sides of their bodies rather than being underneath them. how they bent them to be lower to the ground... how they waddled because of that... it got me thinking... women's hips are wider so maybe their legs waddle (bent knees out a bit)... gotta put your knees somewhere with that q angle.. i wonder if guys waddle more with their arms... because their shoulders are wider... which sets their arms really off from the sides of their bodies...
does that kinda make sense??
i, uh,
want to learn about this sh*t. but it is unclear where to go...
i guess i was hoping orthopedics... and i'll get to learn HEAPS of other cool sh*t along the way. and, uh, yeah, perhaps discover a fascination with something i've never even heard of. or something... random. the spleen, maybe. or some weird disorder of the skin, or something...
otherwise... if medicine doesn't work out...
there are options... i guess there is bio-med... but there is also sports science. there is law... there are combinations... double degrees... double majors... the government will surely loan me money to finish a degree and i can certainly draw that out... then... if i apply to medicine (again) after finishing a degree... i'm pretty darned sure the government wouldn't not loan me money if i'd been offered a place in medicine.
so... i guess...
enjoy the journey...
i suspect... at the end of the day... it's all about mathematical modelling. sigh. that's what happened with cognitive neuroscience. everything... i would like... to understand what is going on... and i would like... to find my niche. i'm not sure where.
i wanted... movement *prescription*. diagnosis of faulty movement... prescriptions for fixing it. whether it be joint manipulations, foam rolling / trigger release, dinky exercises, not so dinky exercises. i thought... THAT was what it was supposed to be about.
problem: people don't do their exercises.
apparently.
i guess... that's why you gotta hold their hands to get them to do it...
nobody gives a sh*t... it's not life and death. people would rather pay a surgeon... 'fix it for me i won't do anything to help myself'
yeah.
and... my old notes are gone. paper notes... gone after 7 years or 10 years or whatever... so mostly gone. and this 'autistic spectrum' thing... 'aspergers'... whatever. it, uh, it's okay. alright. i mean... really. it isn't like 'borderline'. or 'dissociative identity disorder'. things that people... don't want to poke you with a barge pole... this is... different.
i, uh. i hope the nurse lady might be able to help me figure some things to say so that i can make some friends and keep my own personal space. because... people here... understand me... or... they are more capable of understanding me than most people in the world. they are decent people. and most of them are focused on their work etc too. and there must be ways i can say to them that i just need more personal space etc etc so they won't take it personal if i don't want to hang out... and then... once i know i have my space... i would want to hang out more. i would like to make some friends here, yeah. and in a way it is perfect with most people only being about for 6 months and then moving on. it, uh, gives me different people to, uh, practice with. worst case... i only f*ck things up for 6 months. or, uh, have to move to the other building / wing for a bit...
i am happy here. i, uh, hope i can build a life to, uh, help others one day. where i earn money. i guess that is the idea. where i earn more money than i have now. where i'm not borrowing to study... not relying on welfare payments to live. i guess that is the aim. ? i... would like some more money, yes. but, uh, i'm pretty happy, yeah. will be good to have that little bit of grading... i think i've figured a way to work without physical textbooks... need to put more into the clothes thing to feel... acceptable. human. at peace with myself / my appearance / my presentation to the world. need a bit more there... because things really ran down over the years. but, uh, that's all. that's it.
life is good.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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