Psycho-Babble Social Thread 327575

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Re: » Simus

Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:13:52

In reply to Re: » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on April 25, 2004, at 15:47:31

Hi Simus,
I'm thrilled that you've found yourself again!!! I don't think I knew that you had been going through something similar to me. What a relief that you made it out to the other side, huh? *big hug*
I don't think that Dr. Bob makes a habit of calling the police on people. *smile* Really, I don't know why he chose to do so with me. I can't really remember everything that I was telling you guys, and I honestly don't want to go back and read all those emails again. I'd rather "amnesia" them. *smile* All I remember is that I was hurting pretty badly...but I don't want to dwell on that. Obviously I mentioned something that concerned him, but I'm not sure what it was. And I don't want to remember, either.
As for the church, I'm afraid that it's a little out of the way. It's on the other side of the harbour, in another city. It's also located within that city in a very inconvinent spot. Too much time and money (with the bridge) to go over there. But I appreciate the thought.
I also don't seem to talk with God anymore. I've stopped wearing my cross necklace. I don't look at the Bible. I don't even really give God a passing "hi there". *smile* I guess I've disconnected myself from Him....just like I have from my sister, my folks, and now even my two cop angels. I am an island! HA!! It's just better for everyone if I go it alone. And I know that God is sad for me, and I just don't want to acknowledge that. So I build a wall around me, and I'm not letting anyone in now. *smile*

Besides, I can always come to this board when I'm bouncing from emotion to emotion. I don't mind sharing some with you guys. You GET it, so I don't need to pretend as much. Still, I'd rather do it alone.
I'm so pleased that you are back on track again. God has a plan for you, and His plans are for good.
Hugs,
Sandy

Re: favor » Dr. Bob

Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:25:04

In reply to Re: favor, posted by Dr. Bob on April 25, 2004, at 16:02:41

Dr. Bob,
I'm not quite sure why you would want me to tell Andrew and Rob about my upcoming trip. They would say, "And you're telling us this because.....?" There is no need to tell them. What would they care if I'm going away for the night? And there's no need to make them think otherwise.
I am fine. I just want to take a little break from life. Lol. I'm looking forward to it. And I don't have a gun, like in "Scent of a Woman". Hee! Just because I mentioned a hotel room and room service doesn't mean that I have the same intentions as that movie. I just need to get away from everyone....I don't want to have to think about anyone right now.
I appreciate the concern. Really I do. I don't think you intervene in your posters' lives very often....as least not to the extent that you have with mine......and I really am touched that you wanted to help. You did a wonderful thing, Dr. Bob. You didn't turn a blind eye, but rather you jumped right in and grabbed me. Lol!
But now you can let go.
I'm fine. I'll be fine. You can look away now because there's no need to "rescue" me. *smile* Besides, you don't look much like Chris O'Donnell from "Scent of a Woman" anyways! Actually, you're much cuter! *big hug*
Be proud of this board, Dr. Bob.
Hugs,
Sandy

Ummmm......

Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 21:46:45

In reply to Re: favor » Dr. Bob, posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:25:04

Hey all,
I don't think it's such a good idea for me to post on this board anymore. I seriously meant that everything was okay when I said so, but still the cops showed up at my house....again.
I had 2 cop cars here this time, and even my two cop "angels" pulled out of another call just so they could come to me. That's just WRONG. I told you I was fine.
A lady cop took me to the hospital this time. The guys told her to treat me good, and I'm relieved to say that she did. She was wonderful. Hey, I was the first person she allowed to ride up in front with her! I thought she was pretty decent.
But...you guys....don't judge every statement I make based on my past history. I truly was NOT going to do anything. I was humiliated when they showed up, and demoralized when my two cop "friends" left their other call to get over to me. Just when I was trying to show a bit of stability, and all of a sudden the calvary shows up. I tried to explain that it was an over-reaction, but nobody would listen to me. *sigh*
Anyways, the hospital let me go after a few hours. There was no reason to keep me. They read the emails, they listened to what I had to say....and they saw no reason for my being there. I felt so bad that this poor lady had to stay OVER her 12-hour shift just to babysit me. She needed to go home, be with her hubby, get some rest....she did NOT need to be sitting around with me, waiting to see one doctor after another. I felt as big as an ant, making her have to stay so long.
Anyways.....
I think it's best that I not post anymore. I understand the concern....and believe me....it's so nice to have someone be concerned for me rather than not. BUT....I can't have this keep happening. I can't have my messages misread just because of past history. My gosh, the guys didn't even smile at me this time.....they had such CONCERNED looks on their faces. And there was no need of that! It was so bad to put them through that. They don't need that type of worry. Their job is hard enough without thinking someone they "like" is about to kill herself. Jeesh. I still feel demoralized over it, and I will for some time.
I know, Dr. Bob, that you were doing what you thought was in my best interest. I understand that. I appreciate that. And you may have thought that I was following some type of "pattern"....that it appeared that I was going to harm myself again. And I guess that is where the internet is a problem in terms of getting to know your "patient". You see only bits and pieces....you don't see the full "me". You don't know what progresses I've made....how strong I've been at times. I tend to post when I'm feeling down....and that's why this is called a "support" board. But you don't see the struggling that I'm going through, and the successes that I'm having. I just come here when I'm having a bad 15-minutes. And that's basically what you see.
But....really.....I'm soooooo much better than I was at the first of the month. It was a 99% reality that I would have killed myself near my birthday......but that was 3 weeks ago! As you have to know, suicide attempts are based on timing. That "time period" has passed by.....and even though I'm CERTAINLY not all happy and healthy now.....I'm NOT in crisis anymore. I may still hurt myself.....I may still cry a lot.....I may still shut myself off from others....I may still have a worthless, hopeless feeling about myself.....but I'm NOT suicidal right now. I'm just trying to come to terms with my position right now.
I'm not mad at anyone over this. I'm actually quite overwhelmed that people would care so much for a complete stranger. That says a lot for our human existence, doesn't it? I honestly don't think I've EVER had so many people extending a helping hand to me. It's almost surreal....why would people do that for ME, you know?
But I have to ask that you PLEASE stop and think before calling the police. This is not a face-to-face relationship. You do NOT know what I'm having success with. You do NOT know any battles that I'm actually overcoming. All you see are the "down" times.....because this is a SUPPORT board....for that purpose.
I'm very divided as to what to do here. On one side, I can NOT have the police come here again for unfounded reasons. My heart dropped to my very toes when I heard that familiar knock on my door today. I had already told you that the hotel visit was nothing more than a "time alone" period.....nothing more. I do NOT want to jeporadize my relationship with the police......because what if I truly DO need and want them at some point? What if I actually find myself in need of assistance right away? They will have been here so often that they won't believe me that time.....and that'll be the time that I die because of that.
On the other hand.....this board is the only outlet that I have. I do NOT have anyone to talk with....I do NOT have anywhere else to turn. There is a certain sense of security from the anomynity of posting on the board (no one other than Dr. Bob knows who I am). I can say things here that other people will understand simply because they GET it. And that beats out "book-learned" people any day. Soooo....without the board to turn to....I'm not really sure where to go with my busy little fingers.
Is there maybe some sort of "contract" that we can make? That no one will call the police unless I specifically say I'm thinking of harming myself.....or that I feel unsafe....or something along those lines? I just can't have wrong judgements made against me again. And yet, I'm scared to leave the board.
I don't know. It's just that no one would take "no" from me today.....and truly.....nothing was wrong today. And I don't like making these people worry for no reason.
What should we do?
Sandy

Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb

Posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42

In reply to Ummmm......, posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 21:46:45

Sandy, I'm so sorry you have had to keep going through all of this. I am not sure why Dr. Bob notified the authorities this time, but he is the professional here, and he must have seen something in your posts that concerned him. He is a good guy to have on your side, but I don't have to tell you that:~)
I am glad that you are doing better, sweetie, and I hope we can figure out some way for this board to work for you. I think when everyone sees you doing things like going away by yourself and then actually coming back again, we will be less anxious about it.
Those of us who have been to the edge know only too well what a fragile line there can be between choosing to live and choosing to die. For some of us, the choice of life was made for us by someone else several times before we finally made that choice for ourselves. And for others of us, we faced those choices alone (perhaps several times) and are not really sure what brought us back. Please, understand if we tend to draw from our own experiences as we watch your story unfold.
You are right, that it is different over the internet than it would be if we were face to face, as we are not able to look into each other's eyes and find the reassurance we are looking for. But I hope you will stay with us and continue to share. You have a wonderful sense of humor, and I would love to hear more about your children and your day-to-day life {I know absolutely NOTHING about Nova Scotia}.
I know you mentioned once where you lived before, but I can't remember, was it Seattle?? California?? I live in the Pacific NW, myself. I got to see three woodpeckers, two white butterflies (a couple, i assume:) and a gray squirrel in my back yard all at the same time this morning . . . my yard was alive! And my cat, Rosie, was watching out the back window - it was my warm-fuzzy for the day:~)
I hope we can find a way for you to stay here, Sandy . . .
((((HUGS)))) ((((smiles)))) ((((friends)))) ((((warm fuzzies))))
...jlynne

Re: Ummmm...... » jlynne

Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 0:42:19

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42

Hi Jlynne,
Thanks for the message. I just happened to get back out of bed because I couldn't sleep.
This is my 15-minutes for the time:
1. We were hit dead-on by a horrible hurricane this year. A paramedic dies when a tree falls on his ambulance. The cop I sat with today tells me she was his wife. All I wanted to do was sit there and hold her hand.....but the place was so busy. I knew she wasn't as strong as she pretended to be.
2. From my job in a "previous life", I heard a cop get shot. He had a vest on, but he was till hit pretty much point blank in the chest. Three screams.....the last two were the worst....but he survived, even though his heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital. It didn't penetrate the vest, but it was too close to not bruise the chest. You know? He separated from his partner....didn't know there was a second bad guy....and was taken by surprise. And I can't seem to ge tthose screams out of my head tonight....actually the last couple of nights....but he survived. Not quite the same mentally, but he survived. I can still hear him screaming.....not like in the movies.....and only three screams....but you've never heard anything like that. And you just can't do anything to help him. And I can't imagine what his partner must have been experiencing.
Soooo.....my 15-minutes in bed tonight. Just memories and thoughts......nothing more. Just going through what I have to go through.
Back to bed. Night.
Sandy

Re: Ummmm...... » jlynne

Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 1:24:48

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42

15-minutes #2
Still can't sleep.
I can't stop shaking. I feel like I'm freezing. I'm just shaking and shaking.
Whoever is reading this....do NOT call the police. Only when I need them will I want them!
I'm just thinking about that woman I sat with today. We were all so devastated by the death of the paramedic, sitting in his ambulance during the hurricane, and then a tree falls on him and crushes him. Trees were falling EVERYWHERE!!!! The city was basically destroyed.....the whole province was in a state of emergency afterwards. We didn't have electricty, roads, etc. for days and days.
And he dies while out in that wild weather.
And then his wife has to sit in a hospital with someone who is thinking of taking her own life.
And I wasn't even suicidal at the time.
And yet she takes on this "case" of someone wanting to die when she has just lost her husband, who DIDN'T want to die.
That just makes me shake.
She shouldn't have been with me.
I was not the right person to be with her.
This whole thing has made me feel worse.
REMEMBER: I'M ONLY TALKING!!!!!!!!!! DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, I'm freezing. I'm hoping back in bed. I just felt so bad that I wanted to get up and share. Aren't I nice? *smile*
Sandy

Just Thinking

Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:03:18

In reply to Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42

Maybe this is Dr. Bob's way of getting me to leave the board. Maybe if he send the cops enough times, I'll just disappear for fear of having those visits.
And I notice that no one is posting to me anymore.
I get it. Finally.
I didn't mean to cause any type of tension on the boards. I had no idea this whole "adventure" was about to happen to me.
I'm not looking for attention. I'm not looking to be "rescued". I'm not playing games with people's heads. I'm not enjoying causing people to feel discomfort.
I get the obvious hint. Sorry you felt backed up against a wall, Dr. Bob. I never meant to bring any type of conflict to the boards.
Regardless, I can't really chat here anymore. I could never be truthful. I could never mention what's really on my mind because I might hear that all-too-familiar knocking on my door again. Enough is enough of that. They're going to start getting MAD at me soon.
So, you win and I'll leave the board. Thanks for the help when I needed it. I do appreciate that.
I wish you guys all the best!! Maybe I'll pop in from time to time just to say "hi". But I'm not sure if Dr. Bob would even want that. I don't blame him. I caused quite a stir, didn't I?
It's been fun. *smile*
Sandy

Re: Just Thinking » SandyWeb

Posted by jlynne on April 27, 2004, at 12:15:11

In reply to Just Thinking, posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:03:18

Sandy, what has happened?? I don't understand.
I am still here. No one has been posting on the other thread, either - it's just their time of the month, sweetie.
What has happened?
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne

Re: Just Thinking » jlynne

Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:29:44

In reply to Re: Just Thinking » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 27, 2004, at 12:15:11

I didn't mean to upset you. Just being stupid again, I guess.
But I can't post here anymore. I'm just so on edge that someone will be knocking on my door. I'm too tense. I'm just freaked out, and I just don't know what will trigger Dr. Bob to send them yet again! I mean, are they coming again today? Are they already on their way? Can I expect to be roused out of bed tonight? What about tomorrow??
I just am freaked.
Take care.
Sandy

Re: Just Thinking » SandyWeb

Posted by jlynne on April 27, 2004, at 12:55:45

In reply to Re: Just Thinking » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:29:44

Sandy, maybe you could send Dr. Bob an email and ask him directly?? An open communication might be just what is in order here. Just a thought.
((((HUGS)))) ((((communication)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne

Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb

Posted by LynneDa on April 27, 2004, at 13:04:40

In reply to Ummmm......, posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 21:46:45

Sandy -
I've been away from my computer . . . not consciously deciding not to post :-). I don't go on-line on the weekends and Monday was super busy. I am not complaining, though. I am grateful to have a job.
Anyway.... don't stop posting. I understand about your posts being your negative thoughts. My daughter & I were talking about how good it is to journal when you're angry or sad - how it helps us to get it all out and maybe we come up with solutions. For 7 years old she's very intuitive and understands this concept - and she writes all the time. She said that if we only put angry thoughts in there, when she dies and her children read it, they'll think she was an angry sad person so she better write when she's happy too. I totally agreed with her. I said if she ever read my journals she would think I was a complete looney!
So, long story short, I agree with what you said about this forum being used mainly for those tense, fearful moments where you need to vent. I'm sorry for what happened cuz you don't want to be crying wolf to the police force.
About the female officer and her husband dying . . . I am guessing the way she recovers and feels worthwhile is by helping others so don't feel that your taking up her time for nothing. You said yourself it feels good when people, even us total strangers, care. And like Jlynne says, you need a physical presence sometimes.
So, please Sandy, take what is given to you and don't feel so guilty about it (easier said than done I know!). You've given so much in your life and will give again in the future. It is OKAY to have to be on the receiving end for a while. Please trust me on that. I couldn't have got through my tough time without my grandma, sister & good friend pushing me on, making me go to the doctor, convincing me I was going to be okay.
Now, on to the hotel issue (I missed a lot in 3 days!). I just went to Nashville for work a couple weeks ago. It was sooooooooo wonderfully relaxing at night to have the room and the TV clicker to myself. I got in bed at 8:30 both nights and just read women's magazines and clicked around on cable (which I don't have at home)til I got tired. It was rejuvenating to be alone with no demands, nowhere to be, etc. So, if you are in a safe frame of mind, I think it could do you some good. I guess your kids are old enough to stay alone & understand why you would need to get away for a bit. Being a single mom is hard, it never lets up.
Sandy, I'll ask this again. Is there anything I can do for you from here? Any research I can do or looking into things? Please let me know if you think of ANYTHING! I'm in a doing mode now and that is a nice change from the way I have been the last couple of years :-). I'm also a healthcare recruiter and may be able to think of some options for you.
I do care what happens to you & that is my choice so don't worry about taking up our time & energy! Maybe it's one of those angel connections where we are all sent to each other at different times of our lives when we need it the most.
I will repeat again: don't stop posting if it helps you even one tiny bit. Also, YOU ARE WORTH IT - whatever it takes to get you back to good. I know what I'm talking about. I'm not 100% back to where I want to be yet, but I think I will get there eventually.
You are a great person who is just going through a bad time - you're much stronger than you think. You are having some much better moments and that is an irrefutably good sign :-)
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Re: hotels » SandyWeb

Posted by LynneDa on April 27, 2004, at 13:22:06

In reply to Re: Just Thinking » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:29:44

OK, don't think I'm weird, but ....
when Jlynne said you were from Nova Scotia, I went on novascotia.com to see pictures of your province. I love traveling and like to go on websites about other places. Anyway, there's a section about vacation getaways and it has a bunch of hotel coupons. Thought you might want to check it out for your little adventure you're planning :-). It may save you some money!
~ Lynne

Re: not a face-to-face relationship » SandyWeb

Posted by Dr. Bob on April 27, 2004, at 19:52:56

In reply to Ummmm......, posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 21:46:45

> the hospital let me go after a few hours. There was no reason to keep me. They read the emails, they listened to what I had to say....and they saw no reason for my being there.
I'm glad that you got an evaluation in person. And that you didn't need to stay.
> I have to ask that you PLEASE stop and think before calling the police. This is not a face-to-face relationship. You do NOT know what I'm having success with. You do NOT know any battles that I'm actually overcoming. All you see are the "down" times.....
I do think first, you know... :-)
It's definitely true, there's a lot I don't know. OTOH, all it takes is one really down time... Would it be better if I called your therapist? And then he or she decided whether to call the police?
Bob

Re: Just Thinking » SandyWeb

Posted by jlynne on April 27, 2004, at 20:36:42

In reply to Just Thinking, posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:03:18

Ok, I might be slow, but I get it now . . .
You were just *worried* that the cops would come back . . . I thought you were saying that they *had* come back last night. Duh, me dense!
Well, now I can understand what was happening to you last night. It is tough when it's the middle of the night and there is no one to talk to and no one on the board to respond. You're surfing again, sweetie, and the ocean is cold.
I know you don't want to call that helpline that you called previously, but maybe there is a better place to call?? One that is staffed 24hrs?? I know there are a couple different crisis lines in my area. You don't have to tell them who you are, and you can block your caller ID, if you don't already have ID blocking (dial *67 before you dial the phone number; here, in the States, anyway). But, ask them if they can see your ID, ok? 'cuz I know that ID blocking doesn't work with 911, and maybe not with certain crisis lines.
[LynneDa?? Think you can locate a good crisis line for Sandy to call when she needs to talk? I think this is the one we came up with before: 902-422-2048 (am I correct, Sandy?) Anyway, that first one wasn't a good match, LynneDa.]
This will pass, Sandy (if it hasn't already) and you will probably feel foolish and wonder what compelled you to be so *melodramatic*. Well, you were not being melodramatic, sweetie . . . you were just in pain, and you *really*, *really* did feel like that last night - we know you were not pretending. Please, don't ever think that we don't want you to post here anymore, love; we were all in bed last night when you *called* . . .
I hope you find someone you can call when it gets like this, Sandy, because it is sure to happen again, sooner or later. The best thing for you to do at these times is to make human contact; someone who can help you to focus and reign in those racing thoughts. I had a phone number to call when I was going through this, Sandy, and I used it (at 3:00 a.m. once).
Hang in there, love . . . the tide comes in, and we drift back to shore.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((human contact))))
...jlynne

Re: Just Thinking » jlynne

Posted by SandyWeb on April 28, 2004, at 5:49:41

In reply to Re: Just Thinking » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 27, 2004, at 20:36:42

Hi Jlynne,
"This will pass, Sandy (if it hasn't already) and you will probably feel foolish and wonder what compelled you to be so *melodramatic*."
Well, I didn't think I was being *melodramatic*. Actually, it almost felt like I was back with hubby, and you just never know when the next attack is going to happen. You're always tense, you tend to flinch at everything, your senses are over vigilant......you know it's going to happen, but you just don't know when.
I don't like that feeling. I lived like that for too many years. And I don't want to transfer that type of living over to fear of the police knocking on my door.
It feels awful.
Sandy

Re: not a face-to-face relationship » Dr. Bob

Posted by SandyWeb on April 28, 2004, at 5:59:33

In reply to Re: not a face-to-face relationship » SandyWeb, posted by Dr. Bob on April 27, 2004, at 19:52:56

Dr. Bob,
I know. I understand. I've put you in a position. But, you know, I'm not the only one on this board who needs your help. Maybe you should focus on someone else.
I don't have a therapist, I don't have a pdoc, I don't have meds.....I am "au natural". And the police have better things to do than attend to Psycho-Sandra.
I think the female cop would have been quite difficult with me if it hadn't been for Andrew and Rob coming over. She was a pretty hard lady, and she was quite intimidating....until she got the "okay" from the boys. Then her attitude changed. So I really wouldn't want cops coming here again. They are getting annoyed! And who can blame them??
I'm just going to lay low for awhile. Today was the day I was going to leave on my little trip, but now after all that has happened the past couple of days, I'm scared to even attempt that! All I wanted was 24-hours just for me. I didn't think it would turn out to be such a huge deal.
Have to take a shower now. Long day of sitting around....waiting for bedtime. Ha. Ah, the life of a schedule-less woman! *smile*
Sandy

Re: not a face-to-face relationship » SandyWeb

Posted by fallsfall on April 28, 2004, at 9:57:28

In reply to Re: not a face-to-face relationship » Dr. Bob, posted by SandyWeb on April 28, 2004, at 5:59:33

>I don't have a therapist, I don't have a pdoc, I don't have meds
For me, life is too hard with out some formal supports. Sometimes the meds and the therapy seem to make things worse, it is true. But overall I think that having people with me - on my side - is important. It is so hard to be truly alone.
Would you consider therapy?

Still Here

Posted by SandyWeb on April 28, 2004, at 20:42:32

In reply to Re: not a face-to-face relationship » SandyWeb, posted by fallsfall on April 28, 2004, at 9:57:28

Not happy at all, but in my jamies and still in the land of the living. *smile*
And why the heck do I stay on this board? I get in trouble on this board. So why do I keep coming back? Just a sucker for punishment, I guess.
It's almost 11pm now. I'm going to bed. Today has been a bunch of crap, and I'm ready to shut down.
Nighty night.
Sandra

Re: Still Here » SandyWeb

Posted by jlynne on April 28, 2004, at 22:12:08

In reply to Still Here, posted by SandyWeb on April 28, 2004, at 20:42:32

Thank you for posting, Sandy . . . even when you don't feel like it.
I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hope you sleep well, and that tomorrow is better than today was.
Sweet dreams:~)
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((tomorrow)))) ((((angels))))
...jlynne

Nothing Changes

Posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45

In reply to Re: Still Here » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 28, 2004, at 22:12:08

Hey all,
You know I wouldn't normally post this message after all the consequences from my busy little fingers, but it doesn't really matter this time.
Yesterday was horrible. I found out in the morning that our money was cut off already. I thought I had until the end of May. I need almost $1000 for rent by tomorrow, I haven't paid the bills, and our groceries are low. Carly's shoes have a hole in them and her feet get wet, and she needs a spring jacket. Ben is a none-stop eating machine. And my tooth hurts, and I can't do anything about it.
You know, I felt so bad about how that BAD cop treated me. But you know what? He wasn't fooled by me. Andrew, Rob, and the lady cop all were fooled....they thought I was a nice person. But I guess the BAD cop saw through the little facade and realized what hubby always knew....that I'm not going to amount to anything. That I can pretend to myself and others as long and hard as I want.....but it doesn't change a thing. I'm just taking up space, and I don't deserve to be treated nicely. I guess that BAD cop shouldn't have bothered me so much....he understood the person standing before him better than the others did.
I waited all day yesterday to take my walk. I wanted it to be dark. So I waited and waited and waited. I wanted the kids in bed, I wanted the sun to be down, I wanted to be alone. And then when night came, I was worn out from all the waiting. Loser, huh? Went to bed at 11pm....but did get up at 1am and took a walk until 2:30am. I never saw so many taxis in my life!!!
So another day. It doesn't matter that the sun is up. I'm going to leave now. It's just pointless. I have no friends, I have no money, I have no education, I have no future. I can't provide for the kids, I can't help them get into University, I can't even tell them that my education is over. Carly keeps calling me a nurse, and Ben keeps telling me that I'm going to fail if I don't go to classes.....but they don't know that classes are over for me. And not only that....but there will NEVER be any more classes of any sort for me. I have my high school education. That's it. Half way through my life, and that's all I've got. And there's no more. Every chance I had, I blew.
I am where I am today based on CHOICES. Obviously, I made bad choices. But that's because I'm such a fool. I'm not smart, I'm not intelligent, I'm not a deep thinker (how could the lady cop even have thought that about me???...my brain is blank), and I'm selfish and lazy. And I'm just pulling the kids down with me.
So, I'm leaving now. It really doesn't matter if anyone calls the police. They won't find me. You'll just be using up emergency services for someone that certainly is not worth it! Let them respond to the calls that really need attending to. Because they would just waste a lot of time trying to find me. It doesn't matter.
Thanks for everything. But you can't change who a person is. I appreciated the support....and you did nothing wrong.....but it just wasn't meant to be. Don't let it bother you. And I'm so glad that the boys are off duty for the next 4 days. They won't know until they come back, and therefore they won't feel obligated to try and find me. They don't need to be dragged down into this. I thought they were very nice.
"And they'll be singing:
Bye bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry,
Them good ole boys are drinking whiskey and rye
Singing, "This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die."
How's that for melodrama? *smile*
God bless,
Sandra