Posted by SandyWeb on April 29, 2004, at 12:25:45
In reply to Re: Still Here » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 28, 2004, at 22:12:08
Hey all,
You know I wouldn't normally post this message after all the consequences from my busy little fingers, but it doesn't really matter this time.
Yesterday was horrible. I found out in the morning that our money was cut off already. I thought I had until the end of May. I need almost $1000 for rent by tomorrow, I haven't paid the bills, and our groceries are low. Carly's shoes have a hole in them and her feet get wet, and she needs a spring jacket. Ben is a none-stop eating machine. And my tooth hurts, and I can't do anything about it.
You know, I felt so bad about how that BAD cop treated me. But you know what? He wasn't fooled by me. Andrew, Rob, and the lady cop all were fooled....they thought I was a nice person. But I guess the BAD cop saw through the little facade and realized what hubby always knew....that I'm not going to amount to anything. That I can pretend to myself and others as long and hard as I want.....but it doesn't change a thing. I'm just taking up space, and I don't deserve to be treated nicely. I guess that BAD cop shouldn't have bothered me so much....he understood the person standing before him better than the others did.
I waited all day yesterday to take my walk. I wanted it to be dark. So I waited and waited and waited. I wanted the kids in bed, I wanted the sun to be down, I wanted to be alone. And then when night came, I was worn out from all the waiting. Loser, huh? Went to bed at 11pm....but did get up at 1am and took a walk until 2:30am. I never saw so many taxis in my life!!!
So another day. It doesn't matter that the sun is up. I'm going to leave now. It's just pointless. I have no friends, I have no money, I have no education, I have no future. I can't provide for the kids, I can't help them get into University, I can't even tell them that my education is over. Carly keeps calling me a nurse, and Ben keeps telling me that I'm going to fail if I don't go to classes.....but they don't know that classes are over for me. And not only that....but there will NEVER be any more classes of any sort for me. I have my high school education. That's it. Half way through my life, and that's all I've got. And there's no more. Every chance I had, I blew.
I am where I am today based on CHOICES. Obviously, I made bad choices. But that's because I'm such a fool. I'm not smart, I'm not intelligent, I'm not a deep thinker (how could the lady cop even have thought that about me???...my brain is blank), and I'm selfish and lazy. And I'm just pulling the kids down with me.
So, I'm leaving now. It really doesn't matter if anyone calls the police. They won't find me. You'll just be using up emergency services for someone that certainly is not worth it! Let them respond to the calls that really need attending to. Because they would just waste a lot of time trying to find me. It doesn't matter.
Thanks for everything. But you can't change who a person is. I appreciated the support....and you did nothing wrong.....but it just wasn't meant to be. Don't let it bother you. And I'm so glad that the boys are off duty for the next 4 days. They won't know until they come back, and therefore they won't feel obligated to try and find me. They don't need to be dragged down into this. I thought they were very nice.
"And they'll be singing:
Bye bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry,
Them good ole boys are drinking whiskey and rye
Singing, "This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die."How's that for melodrama? *smile*
God bless,
Sandra
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/341325.html