![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 31 to 55 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on April 14, 2004, at 19:10:15
In reply to Dear diary March 29/30, posted by Ilene on March 30, 2004, at 10:38:38
I can't believe I've been away from Babble for over 2 weeks. I saw some posts from Cubbybear, Gardenergirl, and SocialDeviantJeff, but nothing from Oskarsmom. Are you there?
My houseguest just left. It was wonderful having her, except I feel like a non-achiever next to her. She's a globe-hopping photographer, she's kept in touch with everyone we knew from college, she's got a postitive attitude...but we had fun just hanging out. I felt let down and at loose ends after she left this morning. I feel better now.
We did a lot of things together. Too much to write about now.
I've been using turning these posts into a diary for my pdoc. She wants more.
I took my son to a pdoc. He's been taking Strattera. He says it makes him tired. He's still Mr. Forgets-Everything, but I was told it takes a couple of weeks for Strattera to have an effect.
I stopped taking lithium 2 weeks ago, but I still have swollen legs and some other symptoms. I see the internist tomorrow. I'm in for some blood tests. He doesn't think it's my thyroid, since the last test was normal, but I'll ask him about thyroid augmentation.
I dropped my Marplan from 50 mg. to 40 mg. because I was having dizzy spells. When I called the internist's office to complain about still having swelling in my legs, etc., and mentioned the dizzy spell I had just had, the nurse told me to go to the ER. That really got me on edge. It's been better since I cut back.
I don't know if the Marplan is doing much of anything, except perhaps having an effect on my anxiety. I've taken hardly any Klonopin lately. I'd like to eat cheese again if this is all the relief I get. Bragg Amino Acids don't actually replace soy sauce, either.
Good cat or bad cat? We found feathers all over the front porch yesterday. We think it was a pigeon. I *hope* it was a pigeon, because otherwise it was a songbird.
I have to stop now. I promised myself I wouldn't spend too long on the computer anymore.
Posted by fallsfall on April 14, 2004, at 21:07:38
In reply to Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 14, 2004, at 19:10:15
Nice to hear from you, Ilene.
I'm glad you had a good time with your friend.
Posted by Ilene on April 15, 2004, at 21:07:48
In reply to Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 14, 2004, at 19:10:15
Today has been a good day. I'm not sure why. It could be as simple as having good weather after weeks of chilly, rainy, gloom.
I saw the internist because my ankles are still swollen after 2 weeks of being off lithium, and I have other symptoms that are suggestive of thyroid problems, despite having had a normal thyroid test. We talked, and I got blood drawn. Maybe some of my symptoms are menopausal. Maybe I will try Cytomel (a type of thyroid hormone) to augment the Marplan. This is the first time I've left his office and not been depressed.
I got home and started puttering around with much less procrastinating than usual. I made several phone calls and did a few little chores. I got my son to help me sweep the upstairs before I took him to his game club meeting.
I even talked to my dad's old girlfriend. She's somewhat deaf, which makes phone conversation difficult. Turns out her brother-in-law finally died. He'd been dying for a year, and wouldn't let his wife--who's all of about 4'9"--hire anyone to help. It's not like they were poor, either.
I finally called someone about dialectical behavioral therapy, but I've decided to put it off until after I move, because there are very few trained therapists in this area. It would take too long to find one. My pdoc says she will use some DBT concepts with me.
My son's pdoc says he can take Strattera in the evening.
Still feeling depressed, just not as badly, and managing to pull myself back/distract myself from the chasm. I wish I knew how to do this better.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 15, 2004, at 23:41:12
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 15, 2004, at 21:07:48
Posted by Ilene on April 16, 2004, at 21:27:53
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 15, 2004, at 21:07:48
Today was not so good, but not so bad. I feel my regular old crappy self, but I managed to get some things done. I've been thinking about the relationship between the internal and external worlds (i.e. what I think about vs. what happens to me), the effectiveness of meds, and whether therapy is of any use.
My pdoc has been rather negative when I insist I need meds that work. I point out that meds worked once upon a time--years ago, by now--but they did the trick well enough for me to have a relatively normal life. I've also said that I don't think therapy will do me much good until I have a medicated "floor". I need to have the level of functioning I hope meds can provide before I can do whatever I'm supposed to do with therapy.
I suspected that she was trying to get me to not focus my attention on meds because she didn't think there was anything out there that would work, but she didn't want to tell me that. (There's a nice train I could throw myself under that runs just outside her office.) But on Wednesday we had a strange little tangential conversation that makes me think she thinks I'm more clueless than I am. I was whining away about my husband--I don't usually do this, but his inadequacies have been on my mind--and I expressed my frustration at how he's always asking me if I still love him, or if I *really* love him, or some variation. I hate the way tries to use me to alleviate his own feelings of anxiety, rather than being honest. She asked for clarification--I said his feelings were internal, and no amount of reassurance from me (or anyone) would alleviate them. She took this as some kind of revelation on my part. I drew this conclusion years ago.
I thought she knew me better than that. I wouldn't want drugs to alleviate my distressing feelings if they were within normal bounds. It's just that they aren't, and I can't regulate them. I used to be able to manage bumps and setbacks much more effectively. Now I can't manage everyday life.
Posted by Ilene on April 17, 2004, at 20:35:02
In reply to Dear diary April 16, posted by Ilene on April 16, 2004, at 21:27:53
My period started. Makes me feel more normal. Didn't get it last month.
It was hot today! Over 80 degrees. This is the transition from cool spring to hot summer typical of this climate: one day you are wearing a turtleneck and a wool sweater, two days later you are wearing a tank top. I really prefer the in-between days. We just never get them. Glad I'm moving to a more temperate climate.
Like yesterday, today had its good points and bad points.
I slept late. I had to get up and disable the smoke detector in the middle of the night because my oven was cleaning itself. I woke up to a funny-smelling kitchen and an oven coated with gray crud.
I felt crappy and anxious, so I took some Klonopin for the first time in several weeks. Either it worked like a charm, or I got so involved in listening to a radio special about Wagner's Ring cycle that I felt loads better. The feeling is distant now...I did okay until about 5:00, when I came back from getting my son from his soccer game. Then I felt tired and depressed. Convinced myself to lie down w/ my feet up--it helped a bit.
I have to leave at about 10:15 to pick up my husband from the airport. I'm all worried and feeling guilty because I didn't clean up the office, and he's going to need it, and the bedroom is messy. The rest of the house is a little better than usual--not saying much, I'm no one's housekeeper. I feel like I've been filing papers for hours and the pile doesn't get smaller.
My daughter didn't get into the college she visited last week. She was walking on air after the visit, she liked it so much, my husband said. Now there's no shoulder for her cry on for a week, as he is coming here. Just virtual shoulders. I don't like the idea of her being all alone for week.
We are IMing each other. Talking about shopping for a prom dress. Now subject has changed to old movies.
(There isn't anyone around here I'd call to go to an old movie with.)
Now I'm telling her about the birds and squirrels.
Now I have said goodbye, so I can finish this and change the sheets before I get my husband.
Thought for the day: How does one *feel* as if one has accomplished something? I can look at things I have done, but I usually feel 1) It was a dreadful experience and I wish I hadn't had to have done it; or 2) I've just got more of the same to do. (Okay, so that sentence wasn't quite grammatical.)
Posted by Ilene on April 18, 2004, at 18:22:25
In reply to Dear diary April 17, posted by Ilene on April 17, 2004, at 20:35:02
Today was lousy.
My husband is here. I feel ambivalent about him. He's needy, and he has a temper. On the other hand, we have so many interests in common, we understand each other, we share a warped sense of humor, and we've been together for over 20 years.
He got in late, and I didn't sleep well, and it's hot--three other factors that contribute to depression.
In the morning my son wanted to come into the bedroom to get something while I was getting dressed, but I told him I didn't have my pants on yet, so he didn't come in. Then my husband walked in with him, saying something like, "So mom doesn't have her pants on, big whoop." That was incredibly upsetting to me. I wasn't just angry, I was anxious and something else I can't quite describe. I knew at the time I was over-reacting, but that knowledge didn't alter my feelings. What *did* alter my feelings was when my husband apologized after I told him how insulted I felt.
This was a re-run of an argument we had months ago, when he walked in while I was getting dressed and we had guests in the house. That time he refused to acknowledge my feelings. I brought it up one of the few times we saw my pdoc together. I have to give the guy credit for learning, but I'm left with the intensity of my reaction and my inability to calm myself.
I forgot to make a bag lunch for my son's field trip, so I had to make it at the last minute, so we were late. I hate it when that happens, and it's been happening a lot.
I had gotten a phone bill for the wireless phone the sunday school--past due--so I gave it to the president, and she asked me if I had cancelled it already. She says I had said I would cancel it (it's in my husband's name) but I *can't remember having the conversation*. I wonder if it's me, the depression, or the drugs.
Then I went on a wild goose chase, looking for a medical supply place my internist told me about. Couldn't find it. Frustrating as a waste of time.
Did shopping. Noticed women wearing sandals, and felt sorry for myself with my support hose. I told myself I didn't know what might be wrong with these women--maybe they'd trade my support hose for something that afflicts them--after all, I can stay on my feet longer now. I can think the thought but I can't feel the feeling. What's the trick of it?
I had sushi with real soy sauce for lunch. Probably less than one tsp. of Kikkoman. I feel okay; no MAOI interaction.
I IM'd my daughter again. Our phone calls have felt stilted to me lately, but we do better when we IM. I'm worried about her, even though I can list to myself all the things she's doing now for herself that she didn't do before. I just want things to be perfect.
I took a nap and had some coffee. I feel a little better now. Funny, it's almost 7:30 pm.
Posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 7:16:18
In reply to Dear diary April 18, posted by Ilene on April 18, 2004, at 18:22:25
That sounds like a really busy day, Ilene.
Posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:21:13
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 18 » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 7:16:18
> That sounds like a really busy day, Ilene.
It wasn't. I had time for a nap, after all. Most of these things take more time to read about then they took to happen. I just deconstruct them.
Posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:42:05
In reply to Dear diary April 18, posted by Ilene on April 18, 2004, at 18:22:25
Today was much like yesterday--started bad, gradually improved--only I can't remember it as well.
Let's see. I went to sleep after midnight, and I was wearing earplugs. I slept very well. Was this due to earplugs? Husband in bed? Sunspots? My horoscope?
Got up sort of late, farted around. Felt very anxious, took Klonopin. Talked to my husband about feeling anxious. I've been trying not to express myself too him very much out of regard for his feelings and needs. We reached a tentative agreement not to be as needy with each other.
I told him I thought it was because of all the things we wanted to accomplish while he was here, which made me feel overwhelmed, and just having him here. I tried to explain that whenever I get upset over something he does I *overreact* because I want everything to be perfect. (I may have a touch of black-and-white thinking, but I have a great big glob of black-and-white feelings.)
The big event for the day was going to the hardware store and the grocery store. It was hot, and I felt a little woozy. I guess maybe my blood pressure meds can help me shower, but not help me in hot weather.
I had to tell him we couldn't afford to get a new disk drive for our son. He took it fairly well. He's getting better at fiscal discipline, if not fiscal self-discipline.
He still gets mad if he thinks I'm interrupting him, but I noticed he's getting a little better tolerating me.
I feel so much calmer now (10:30 PM). Earlier today I was barely suppressing the desire to call my pdoc w/ all my anxieties. I wish I could figure out what happened and bottle it.
Posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 8:02:37
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 18 » fallsfall, posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:21:13
You know, Ilene, a day can be busy either because we are in constant motion, or because our *brains* are in constant motion. On the 18th there were a number of significant issues that you dealt with that contained "stress" - difficult emotional components. These issues beat the crap out of us. It would be less wear and tear on my to run (well, walk) a marathon than it did to get my daughter to school (late again), and talk to the Vice Principal about how we can work together to get her to realize that she needs to be at school on time. It took me 2 hours to do the morning thing with my daughter - but the cost on my energy levels and motivation are much higher than that.
Does this mean that we should just lay down on the floor and not move? No. But it does mean that it is reasonable to recognize the cost of emotional issues. And it is reasonable to be proud of ourselves when we handle them well.
*MY* impression after reading your April 18 diary entry was that there was significant emotional turmoil that day, but that you still kept going and did get some stuff accomplished. To me, that is a busy day.
Posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 20:44:46
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 18 » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 8:02:37
> You know, Ilene, a day can be busy either because we are in constant motion, or because our *brains* are in constant motion. On the 18th there were a number of significant issues that you dealt with that contained "stress" - difficult emotional components. These issues beat the crap out of us. It would be less wear and tear on my to run (well, walk) a marathon than it did to get my daughter to school (late again), and talk to the Vice Principal about how we can work together to get her to realize that she needs to be at school on time. It took me 2 hours to do the morning thing with my daughter - but the cost on my energy levels and motivation are much higher than that.
>That would send me into orbit around the Anxiety Planet.
> Does this mean that we should just lay down on the floor and not move? No. But it does mean that it is reasonable to recognize the cost of emotional issues. And it is reasonable to be proud of ourselves when we handle them well.
>
> *MY* impression after reading your April 18 diary entry was that there was significant emotional turmoil that day, but that you still kept going and did get some stuff accomplished. To me, that is a busy day.
But--but--but--but--it was just an ordinary day! (Can you tell I always want to apologize for myself?)
Posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 21:33:52
In reply to Dear diary April 19, posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:42:05
This was pretty much like the last few days. . . I slept w/ the earplugs again and slept pretty well, but I slept late. My ankles were hardly swollen in the morning. I was anxious in the morning, but not as much.
Didn't do too much. Laundry, ironing, a little reading. Made dinner. Cleaned up some. I have a big backlog of ironing, but it's hard on my feet to stand so long. Talked some with my husband about what we're going to do with the house. He called the movers and two or three realtors, just like that.
Our Big Plans were to clean out the basement, but my husband was on the phone/on the computer all day. This was not in the cards--he was supposed to finish work on Sunday/Monday. Tomorrow I see my pdoc, and then the three of us go to see my son's psychiatrist. (BTW, my son made an ADD joke today. He was making up a shaggy dog story, and he said something like, "So-and-so died, and the other character felt bad, but he had ADD, so he forgot about it." He's been okay about taking his Straterra, but it hasn't had any effect on him, other than making him tired. He takes it in the evening now. Although maybe it's the cause of him having the hallucination that he had taken out the trash when he hadn't.)
My husband might have to fly back to SF on Thursday instead of Saturday. Dammit
I'm sure something else happened today, but I can't remember it. Seems like an awfully blank day.
Thought for the day: How come my pdoc encourages me to take Klonopin, but implies that expecting ADs to help me is unrealistic?
Posted by sdjeff on April 21, 2004, at 0:13:26
In reply to Dear diary April 20, posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 21:33:52
>Thought for the day: How come my pdoc encourages me to take Klonopin, but implies that expecting ADs to help me is unrealistic?
I guess it because the klonopin helps with anxiety? Ok, really I don't know. It's like my pdoc prescribing antipsychotics when i'm not psychotic. Or is that the meds talking? Oh, here we go again...
Hope you feel better...
Posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 21:34:09
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 20, posted by sdjeff on April 21, 2004, at 0:13:26
I like it when the meds talk. All those little pills and capsules yammering away. They get up in the middle of the night and party, I swear.
Because a drug is called an "antipsychotic" doesn't mean it's just for psychosis. ADs are used for chronic pain, for example, and some afffect anxiety. I take the AP Risperdal because it makes me less irritable.
Where is the dividing line between "psychotic" and "not psychotic"?
Today I asked my pdoc why she was less than whole-hearted about ADs. I can't remember what she answered. Argh!
I've been feeling better at times. Sometimes I can even stop myself from speeding into a frenzy of dysfunctional thinking.
Posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 22:18:10
In reply to Dear diary April 20, posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 21:33:52
Didn't sleep too well, even with earplugs. Almost forgot my meds, and had a hard time falling asleep.
Felt okay except when I had to climb stairs or walk around outside. Also feel like I have a bladder infection. Nothing like bad health to keep you on your toes.
I got my husband to put in a couple of window screens (hurray!). He sprayed off the car when he rinsed the screens and I wiped it dry. Not as effective as actually soaping it up, but faster, and it looks fairly clean.
Saw the pdoc, but I can't remember most of what she said. I asked her why she didn't think ADs were going to do it for me and why she thought I was so clueless about how other people or events aren't in charge of my emotional state.
About the first--I wish I could remember! Part of it had to do with her not knowing why the ADs I took a few years ago stopped working. I said it was common for them to poop out. She thinks my expectations of drugs are unrealistic--that I want them to "do it all". I said remission, rather than merely response, is what the goal of treatment is supposed to be--or so I've read.
She likes my irreverence and ability to laugh at myself. I think big deal. She was in quite a mood today. Gales of laughter. I told her maybe should have chosen another line of work if she was just going to laugh at her patients. That was just funnier. I gotta admit I get a charge out of making her laugh. It's easy if I'm in the right mood.
We went round and round about my inability to integrate thinking and feeling. I brought up the incident with my husband and getting dressed. The three things I was thinking were a) the extreme reaction I had, 2) my inability to get it under control, and 3) the speed with which it dissipated when my husband apologized. I realized my reaction was extreme at the time, but I couldn't get it to go away. She said one of the tenets (is that the right word?) of DBT is to accept a feeling, and telling myself that my reaction was extreme or inappropriate was not "accepting". (Hell.)
I made the analogy of hurting myself, say, in the kitchen. (E.g. sometimes I cut or burn myself while I'm cooking.) I rinse it off and get a bandaid, and the pain usually recedes while I finish the meal. I don't have similar tools for emotional cuts and burns.
Got a script for Cytomel (thyroid hormone).
(I'm getting tired here.)
Home again, home again, jiggity jog. Stopped behind a car with a license plate holder bearing the imprint of the Accident Garage in Accident, MD. Let's hope none of us ever ever has to take the road through *that* burg.
Picked up papers for my son's pdoc at his middle school. Last week I dropped of 3 pages, today I picked up ... 7. I suppose this is in compensation for those times when I dropped off papers and they lost them.
All three of us went to visit son's pdoc.
Had some leftovers/frozen food for dinner, picked up a little, real estate agent came over to talk about selling our house. We can probably get more for it than we thought, but we need to get estimates on repair work. I don't want to deal with that.
I'll be going to California in a couple of weeks to look for a place for us to live.
Bye for now.
Posted by Ilene on April 22, 2004, at 20:19:05
In reply to Dear diary April 21, posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 22:18:10
Didn't sleep well last night, either. Woke up in the wee hours, got up around 6, ate breakfast, fed the cats, said hello to my son, then went back to sleep until about 9 AM. This is getting to be a bad habit.
Wrote up a "housing wanted" posting for craigslist sf. Interviewed another real estate agent. My husband stepped on a rusty nail. Went to my doctor's office and peed in a cup. I have a bladder infection. I get to take Cipro. Went to the pharmacy and picked up my Cytomel and my son's Straterra. Was tired. Started feeling anxious.
Told my husband he needed to get a tetanus booster, so he actually went to the ER and got one. (The man is a great big baby about needles.) Now he is at the pharmacy, picking up some antibiotics they gave him, and then picking up our son from his strategy gaming club. He wants to take the kid out for a smoothie. I say they should come home so boy can have some "real food" (ham sandwich) and get to bed.
Asked my husband why he was here, since (nearly) all he's been doing is working. (He should just have the cell phone implanted in his head.) We had a reasonable conversation. Had a reasonable conversation about money, too--as in we haven't got any.
Been exploring my anxiety. I have a list of chronic worries--I'm getting old and ugly, I'm unhealthy, my kids are genetically screwed up because of my (and my husband's) mental illnesses, I haven't done anything with my life.... These thoughts self-escalate, of course.
One of the reasons I don't believe any positive self-talk is that I've lived through situations that *did* go from bad to worse. Where someone who was seemingly a little sick got worse and died. Someone had a career ruined because of a false accusation. I got fired because I didn't have the talent to do my job. When my father was dying, his oncologist kept talking about getting him back on his feet.
The only good reason I can think of not to be depressed and anxious is that I don't like the way it feels. I chase myself in circles, either looking for the way out, or digging myself in deeper. Sometimes both at once.
Some people just have a natural resilience. I wish I knew how to get some for myself.
Posted by sdjeff on April 22, 2004, at 21:12:08
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 20 » sdjeff, posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 21:34:09
> I like it when the meds talk. All those little pills and capsules yammering away. They get up in the middle of the night and party, I swear.
>No kidding. I take 3 different meds at bedtime. It's like a party in my haed I wasn't invited to..
> Because a drug is called an "antipsychotic" doesn't mean it's just for psychosis. ADs are used for chronic pain, for example, and some afffect anxiety. I take the AP Risperdal because it makes me less irritable.
>
> Where is the dividing line between "psychotic" and "not psychotic"?
>I think true psychosis is when your perception of reality differs from others. For instance, if the trix rabbit is actually trying to steal your breakfast, it's time for help :) I know why I have to take AP's, but I have to constantly remind myself as to why.
> Today I asked my pdoc why she was less than whole-hearted about ADs. I can't remember what she answered. Argh!
>
> I've been feeling better at times. Sometimes I can even stop myself from speeding into a frenzy of dysfunctional thinking.Good for you! Still working on that one.
Posted by Ilene on April 23, 2004, at 21:57:20
In reply to Dear diary April 22, posted by Ilene on April 22, 2004, at 20:19:05
Today was better, I think. I can't think of anything terrible that happened. (What an advertisement!)
Started Cytomel to augment my ADs.
My icky infection is better.
My husband and I (mostly my husband) cleaned the basement. Mostly it was him that did the cleaning out. I did things like flatten cardboard boxes and carry them up to the porch. I put some things out on the curb to give away and sent messages around our neighborhood listserv. I met a nice man who picked up some shelving. We talked about our cats. We both have strays who decided to move in with us.
My husband would snap at me when I talked to him while he was cleaning out boxes, but then he said I kept disappearing, and *we* were supposed to be cleaning. Argh!
My daughter just told me she is getting laid off from her job because she is too shy.
Posted by Ilene on April 24, 2004, at 18:36:06
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 22, posted by Ilene on April 23, 2004, at 21:57:20
My husband thinks I am better. I think I am better, too, sort of. I don't know if this is just a temporary uptick, or if I'm going to continue to get better.
I still feel fragile. The world seems full of pain. It frightens me. I teared right up when I read that crushedout's kitty is dying. I had a wonderful cat who got littler and littler before she died. (Actually, the vet came over and put her down.) She was just the sweetest thing. The cats we have now have their virtues, but they're not as sweet.
It's almost a year since my father died. I think about what he went through in the weeks before he died, and I worry about how he felt. He went downhill very fast.
Anyway, today we took a bunch of old computer gear to be recycled. My son had his weekly soccer game. My husband says he's playing pretty well.
I took my husband to the airport. He went back to SF, and I miss him. It took me a few days to adjust to him being here, and now he's gone. I'll see him in about 2 weeks. He's coming here and I'm going there to househunt. We'll have one day together.
I guess the thing to do is keep myself busy.
He's upset that our daughter is getting laid off. It hurts me too. I'm trying not to brood about it. I want her to be happy, and I don't think she is. She hasn't made any new friends since she moved to SF at the end of January. Now she won't have anything to do with herself.
I worry about my kids a lot. I think they are fated to have the same painful life as I have. Does worrying about it help?
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
In reply to Dear diary April 24, posted by Ilene on April 24, 2004, at 18:36:06
Things haven't gone so great today. I usually write in my "diary" after 10 p.m., and it's only about 6:20 p.m. right now. I'm trying to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe my improved mood was just temporary.
I sorted through some of my sewing things last night. It can be a hard task for me. I stepped into a fabric shop today. I was terrified that someone would say hello to me. (Someone did, but it wasn't so bad.) I haven't done any "real" sewing for quite a while. I feel like a sewing fraud. I have yards and yards of unsewn fabric and hundreds of patterns. (Luckily I spent only 99 cents for most of them.) I feel so embarrassed about this. Makes me realize what a hardcore perfectionist I am, and how I still see things in black/white terms.
Went to a Japanese koto concert with a former neighbor. (She's a born-again Christian, of all things. I am most definitely *not*.) There were two other women--one of her co-workers, and the coworker's mom, who is Japanese-American, and grew up in a town near where I used to live. Small world! Wish I had a chance to talk more with her. I enjoyed the concert, except for seeing myself in the restroom mirror.
I wonder if I can get plastic surgery for my double chin.
Called my husband when I got back home. Now he's anxious and depressed about having to move out of his sublet on June 1. He's worried about not having worked for three whole days. He's saying things like "better off dead". I hate it when he does this! I wish he would get a grip! My daughter says he's worse than I am. She says when I'm depressed I just hide in my room, but he talks about it. She's been telling him the same things I have--he should be seeing his therapist and/or his doctor.
Now I'm worried about my son, my daughter, and my husband. My daughter actually sounds the best of all of us.
Posted by sdjeff on April 25, 2004, at 19:51:15
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
hey, ilene. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I, for one, think you are a great person. I would say more but my head's not in the best place. I hope things smooth out for you.
Best,
Jeff
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 20:04:30
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 25, posted by sdjeff on April 25, 2004, at 19:51:15
> hey, ilene. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I, for one, think you are a great person. I would say more but my head's not in the best place. I hope things smooth out for you.
>
> Best,
>
> JeffI'm so happy you responded. I've been crying a lot tonight. I know I don't deserve to live in this much pain. (Neither do you, of course.) I don't know what to do to relieve it. I don't believe my own "positive self talk".
I had the feeling things were slipping for you. Please post an update when you can. I think *you* are a great person, too. You're smart, funny, and kind.
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 22:53:25
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
I'm feeling better. I'm chatting with my husband. He said he didn't know what came over him.
I haven't decided if I feel like an idiot for wasting an evening because of him.
But I love him, sometimes. And I hate him, sometimes.
Argh.
Posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2004, at 9:03:32
In reply to Dear diary April 25 addendum, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 22:53:25
My sympathies, Ilene.
I know that when I'm fragile I really want my world to be stable and strong. It is a scary feeling to know how fragile I am, and yet to also know that I'm more stable than the people around me! Sometimes that pressure makes me crumble, sometimes it makes me stronger. It is never fun.
There are so many changes in your life right now, that things HAVE to feel in upheaval. And this period is lasting a long time for you. When you do finally get moved and sell your house and get your family under one roof things will settle down. Don't be to hard on yourself for feeling upheaved (is that a word?) - I can't imagine that you could feel any other way.
Every sewer I know has drawers full of fabric and patterns. You don't sound excessive to me at all. I would buy exactly the fabric that I was going to use in the next week and exactly the pattern - and if the project took more than 4 hours or so total I wouldn't even consider it. But I am not a sewer (my sister is) - and I think the world needs people like you. You know cool fabric when you see it, and collect patterns in anticipation of finding the right fabric at the right time. Unless you are broke or have a layer of fabric under your mattress pad because you have no other place to put it, I think you are fine.
Do something that you enjoy today - just because you deserve it.
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