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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 41. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on May 5, 2005, at 11:27:26
ok, therapy's been going very well (i think). i see him 3x week. some days it feel like too often, other days not enough.
the thing is, there's something that i've remembered that happened when i was very young. it's been haunting me. i think i need to just get it out there but i'm scared.
i've never even said it outloud to myself. i'm afraid that once it's 'out there' and someone else knows...that it will just make things unliveable.
i wish it wasn't there. the thing is i feel like i brought it on. i feel like a dumb stupid @#$, why did i let it happen, why didn't i stop it, and why do i really need to say it.i still can't even say it here, how can i say it in session?
Poet. where are you.
how did you say what you needed to say in your sessions? did your T pull it out of you or did you just 'say it'.
how do you start. and there are SO many 'instances' surrounding it i feel like once it comes i could talk for a whole day...what if i need to. what if it coming out makes me suicidal???
what if i want to take it back and pretend no one knows, if no one knows maybe it didn't happen.
help
b2c.
Posted by happyflower on May 5, 2005, at 11:59:29
In reply to how to get it out?, posted by B2chica on May 5, 2005, at 11:27:26
((((B2chica)))) You know I have learned the hard way. I remember advice that says you have to get it out to feel better, and I always said blah, blah, blah. If anyone knew my deepest secrets, they wouldn't accept me or look at me like I was a freak. If people knew I had a crazy abusive mother, then they would think there was something wrong with me. I held this secret for over 25 years. My brother was abused, not me. If I wasn't abused then that would make me a good person not bad. I had to pretend it didn't happen in order to get through my childhood and early adulthood or I would have sunk. Well, I learned a month ago, that it came out, and I couldn't avoid it any longer. It was the most painful momemt of my life, to accept yes I was abused as a child. I grieved like a funeral. It was so hard. But the relief I felt after, in a couple of days after admitting it, was amazing. Truely a ton of weight was lifted off of me. It was the abusers fault, not mine. I am not bad, I was good. I had no control over what happened to me. But I can know control the rest of my life and not let the shame still abuse me.
Maybe one way to help, would be to write it down to yourself. Sometimes just doing that makes you feel better. I am not saying it won't be hard to do, I cried and cried to see it in writing. Remember my poem a couple weeks ago called Scared to Feel the Pain? Maybe writing down would be good first step. If you are feeling that it would be too overwhelming, maybe do it the night before, or the day of therapy. Or schedule a extra session. Maybe if you let your T read it, maybe it would easier for you. I wanted to believe also if I don't say it, then maybe it didn't happen. But it did, and it wasn't my fault. What ever happened to you wasn't your fault, no matter what. Keep talking to us, so we can try to help you. When is your next therapy session? It is a good sign that you are thinking about revealing your abuse, you are getting ready to heal, it will be hard, but you will feel so much better. I know you are saying blah, blah, blah, like I once did, but the advice was so right. I am in your corner, fighting for you!
Posted by bent on May 5, 2005, at 12:23:22
In reply to Re: how to get it out?, posted by happyflower on May 5, 2005, at 11:59:29
This is a tough place to be in. I have been there and I am still there in many ways. I really like the writing idea. It has been my best communication tool in therapy. I always read my writings to my T, which I think is more helpful than handing it to the T for them to read themselves. Can you write your T a letter? In the letter you can start talking about the fears you mention in your post, before getting into any details. And you can go slowly. You dont have to disclose everything at once or at all. Move at your own pace. Push yourself a little but not too much. I think ultimately the freeing feeling of telling your T will wonderful for you.
Posted by Tamar on May 6, 2005, at 3:29:27
In reply to how to get it out?, posted by B2chica on May 5, 2005, at 11:27:26
> the thing is, there's something that i've remembered that happened when i was very young. it's been haunting me. i think i need to just get it out there but i'm scared.
> i've never even said it outloud to myself. i'm afraid that once it's 'out there' and someone else knows...that it will just make things unliveable.
> i wish it wasn't there. the thing is i feel like i brought it on. i feel like a dumb stupid @#$, why did i let it happen, why didn't i stop it, and why do i really need to say it.You are definitely not a dumb stupid @#$. Ovbiously I don't know what the situation was, but when you ask those questions it seems to me that the answer is: you didn’t stop it because you weren’t able to, for all sorts of reasons. It wasn’t your fault. You were very young.
> i still can't even say it here, how can i say it in session?
> Poet. where are you.
> how did you say what you needed to say in your sessions? did your T pull it out of you or did you just 'say it'.I was in a similar situation a few months ago. I told my T there was something I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t say the words. We spent a couple of weeks preparing for it. And even when I thought I was ready to say it, I couldn’t. But eventually I did. And it was very hard, but I didn’t feel as bad as I expected to feel.
> how do you start. and there are SO many 'instances' surrounding it i feel like once it comes i could talk for a whole day...what if i need to. what if it coming out makes me suicidal???
Talk about those fears with your T. My T suggested that telling him about it would give me power over my experience, instead of letting it control my feelings. And in a way he was right. It’s still there, but I’m finding it easier to live with.
> what if i want to take it back and pretend no one knows, if no one knows maybe it didn't happen.
You might very well want to take it back. Lots of people do. Again, you can talk about those feelings with your T.
I had to start by saying it in my head, and then by writing it down. But that was only after I’d told my T that I wanted to talk about something.
(((((B2C)))))
I hope you find a way to get it started.
Posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 6:47:50
In reply to how to get it out?, posted by B2chica on May 5, 2005, at 11:27:26
Posted by B2chica on May 6, 2005, at 9:07:26
In reply to How are you doing B2? (nm), posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 6:47:50
but i promised myself i won't cancel T appt today. it's not till 4.
i dont even want to be at work. i cried all the way here.
heard of kate bush? i found an old tape last night and i played my fav song 'woman's work'. i bauled for like an hour...HARD. it says something about having the strength inside. i want to believe that.
but, i just want to lay next to a tree by some water and wash away.
Posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 11:03:41
In reply to not well.... » happyflower, posted by B2chica on May 6, 2005, at 9:07:26
ooooooo (((((((B2))))) I am glad you have therapy today. Are you going to talk to him about your hidden memories? Have you been able to process any of it yet? I am not wanting you to think I am pressuring you, I just care about you and want you to feel better. Can you let us know how it went today? I think you do have the strengh, you just don't know it yet. We surviors are strong people!
Posted by B2chica on May 6, 2005, at 12:05:03
In reply to Re: not well.... » B2chica, posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 11:03:41
>>Are you going to talk to him about your hidden memories?
-i told him there's more and i set next week for it but...>>Have you been able to process any of it yet?
-absolutely not....i just don't think i can do any of this.
i can't
i don't want to.
why me. -d@mn, now i sound whiny and small. h@ll why not me
isn't it bad enough that it's true, do i have to keep reliving it inside? i had so many terrible flashes yesterday. what i hate is it's SO real, i feel 'things'-i really feel it happening again, i Literally feel it there, God i want it to stop. i feel it happening again and again.
i feel i brought it all on. if i didn't want it to happen, i would have stopped it. i would have had strenght then. i didn't then, i don't now.
i just want to disappear.
i want to ask for strength but i don't even want it. i don't want help. i want to be gone. when i disappear so will all my stench.
.....i'm sorry, i just hurt so much inside i can't even stand it, it's like there isn't even room for me anymore, it's all pain.if i don't sleep all day tomorrow, i'll try to write.
i can only think 1 day at a time, heck 1 hour at a time. just can't function.i love you all.
thnak u
Posted by Shortelise on May 6, 2005, at 12:21:05
In reply to Re: not well...., posted by B2chica on May 6, 2005, at 12:05:03
Take care, B2.
Hugs
ShortE
Posted by antigua on May 6, 2005, at 16:10:45
In reply to Re: not well...., posted by B2chica on May 6, 2005, at 12:05:03
I am sending my strength your way. For me, the hardest part has been truly accepting that it was not my fault, but it's freeing to let it all out. Letting it out helps me sort through what is the truth and what I have always believed about myself but didn't understand.
I'm so sorry about the flashbacks. All I can say is I know how you feel and I'm sending comfort your way. You are very brave.
antigua
Posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 20:52:57
In reply to how to get it out?, posted by B2chica on May 5, 2005, at 11:27:26
Hugs to you, I hope you sleep well, and I hope you are okay. :)
Posted by B2chica on May 7, 2005, at 16:13:47
In reply to How did it go at T tonight?, posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 20:52:57
i was able to restrict a full breakdown in T's office but cried, when i started to cry hard i immediately stopped myself. he said i could let some of that out there, but i couldn't. i told him i couldn't.
i told him i had to make a dicision. to live and fight or to give in and die. i can't stand this wish-washy i want to die, no i don't, yes i do, no i don't attitude.
he wanted me to go to the hospital. i've not even paid off the last visit. i couldn't go, even though a little part of me wanted to. i think he was very concerned cuz he said he wasn't sure he could carry out our 'treatment plan' this way. Every fiber of my being curdled inside with those words. i couldn't loose him, so we compromised and i could go home but if i felt worse i would take myself to the ER. and tonight he's going to call to 'check in'.
Last night right after our session (which went 1/2 hour over) i went home closed myself in my room and bauled so hard, from every inch of my being, i cried and screamed and cried. i wanted him to call and check, i was ready to go to the hospital. he didn't call. my husband wasn't home, i couldn't reach him. my other two friends were also unreachable. i needed someone SO badly last night to hang onto, to cry in someones arms...there was nobody. i should have gone to the hospital.
i cried till i got a headache. i stopped for about a 1/2 hour made pasta and ate bits, then cried some more. Finally just before 9 i couldn't stand crying anymore so i took a couple extra xanax and a couple other sleepy pills and layed in bed teary till i fell asleep.Today? slept mostly. Right now, i'm still groggy. i watched 'pay it forward' (nodding off a bit) but it made me think a little differently
i'm not as determined to act today. but death is still on my mind. i'm getting closer to a decision. i think i want death...but, i don't want suicide. i want death to come to me. it comes to so many others, why not me?Part of me wants to fight, i've never turned my back on a challenge, i've never taken the easy road.
Either way, i'm listening to what my T said and though the thougts are there, i won't act on them. Not till i can talk to him about this swarming confusion i have in my head.
He asked if these thoughts were brought on from the 'topic' that i've been wanting to discuss...the answer is yes. which thinking today about that makes it seem that maybe suicide is not what 'I' really want. that its a force coming from these memories, this pain. on one had it sounds like a pretty obvious conclusion but to me it sounds pretty profound right now.i was screaming in pain last night.
side note: i wish Dr.Bob would make a babble doll some fuzzy little creature, that maybe had some posters' names on it. i would buy one, and squeeze it tight when i needed you most. i would probably even take it to therapy.thanks for caring.
b2c.> Hugs to you, I hope you sleep well, and I hope you are okay. :)
Posted by B2chica on May 7, 2005, at 16:28:53
In reply to trying to stay out of the hospital » happyflower, posted by B2chica on May 7, 2005, at 16:13:47
Posted by littleone on May 7, 2005, at 17:53:11
In reply to trying to stay out of the hospital » happyflower, posted by B2chica on May 7, 2005, at 16:13:47
Hi B2c,
I'm so glad to see how hard you are fighting. I know there are parts of you that want it all to end, but there must also be parts that are pretty damn insistent on living.
I'm barracking for those insistent-on-living parts :)
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I hope you keep your husband nearby and grab much needed hugs from him whenever they are needed.
Take care.
Posted by happyflower on May 7, 2005, at 18:45:21
In reply to Re: trying to stay out of the hospital » B2chica, posted by littleone on May 7, 2005, at 17:53:11
I am so sad for you B2, I wish I could help you feel better during your pain. I was hoping you would feel better. I would call your T if you are feeling this bad. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. If you give me his number, I will call him for you. I want to help. I am thinking about you, B2. (((((((((((B2)))))))))))))))
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 12:28:34
In reply to ****sorry, possible trigger above post**** (nm), posted by B2chica on May 7, 2005, at 16:28:53
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 9:36:35
In reply to Re: trying to stay out of the hospital, posted by happyflower on May 7, 2005, at 18:45:21
Why is this so D@mn HARD!
i started taking the zyprexa again on friday, i think it's helping my thoughts a bit. i'm not as concrete on S. as i was on saturday. i even woke up a little refreshed this morning...but 2 hours later, i'm falling again.
why is this so dang hard. why does it have to hurt so much. i feel sick of these memories, i feel like a very 'sick' person for what i've done. was it me? was it them? these memories are so far to the top but they just won't come out and it's making me worse...so much worse.
it's such a constant emotional pain. logically i know it will end...right? but i just can't grab on to anything right now. it feels like everything is slipping through my fingers like jelly. Everything and everyone that used to help can't now.i see T tonight.
all i know is the next time he suggests the hospital...i think i'd better go. even though i can't afford it. i barely made it through this weekened.
even though i really want to give in, i think my instinct is to fight.thanks for the hugs...i really need them now.
b2c
Posted by gardenergirl on May 9, 2005, at 10:21:22
In reply to Re: trying to stay out of the hospital, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 9:36:35
Posted by happyflower on May 9, 2005, at 10:39:43
In reply to Re: trying to stay out of the hospital, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 9:36:35
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:53:48
In reply to (((((B2chica))))) (nm) » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on May 9, 2005, at 10:21:22
ok, ok....here it goes the short version-with a lump in my throat i need to say it fast, close my eyes, click the stupid submit button and run to the bathroom before i get sick.
i can't say all of it, but i guess a bit at a time.it's always been easier for me to say it first here before i say it in session.
believe in karma anyone?
my so-called sad story? i was led(i want to say forced-but only to a degree) into a situation by my best girlfriend that endedup in R@p# (two different times-same guy) my struggle has been great with this. a few years ago she killed herself...i left it unresolved and has eaten me alive.
i finally got this out to my T a few weeks ago.the karma comes with what i swear is killing me inside out. the karma comes because i realized(remembered) recently that i myself, did a similar thing to a girl when i was young. me and a neighbor girl were put into a 'compromising' situation and i was able to run out-get a way and i just left her there. i just freaking left her there with these two older kids. how could i have done that to her?
i'm sure she was molested if not r@ped. the guy that i think did it was a neighbor kid that used to babysit me. (not much older than myself). but i remember feeling glad that he started to pay alot of 'attention' to her after that...
i was glad because... that meant he would leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Me, that's all i cared about! i knew, i'm sure i knew what was happening.
She later showed all the signs, she became sexually permiscuous, low self-esteem got pregnant when she was 16, dropped out of school, got married.
i did this. i did it, i sealed a fate for her. because of my own selfish needs. i was cold-detached and glad D@MN IT!
it makes me sick to my stomach to think of how i felt.
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:59:49
In reply to getting it out...here****TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:53:48
in fact i expect it. i can't even stand to show my cyber face here. all that's happened to you all, here i am a perpitrator myself.
you can't say anything that i haven't said to myself. if taking my own life could give her her's back i would do it without even thinking.please know that.i wanted him away from me. i wanted it to stop, it had been happening long enough. he wasn't an adult, he was practically MY AGE, WHY COULDN"T I STOP IT!!!!!!!
i was SO selfish. it was already happening to me so why bring it on to someone else!!!! how could i DO THAT!! all that he had me do, i'm sure he had her do as well.
Posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:30:43
In reply to you can all hate me now.**another trigger**, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:59:49
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
What happened to the other little girl was not your fault. The person responsible is the boy who did it. You didn’t do it to her. You didn’t seal her fate. You protected yourself the best way you knew how. It’s natural that you felt glad that you weren’t molested and raped in that situation. But it’s not your fault that someone else might have been molested. And actually, you don’t even know for sure that the other girl was molested, even though you suspect it.
If sounds as if you’ve been beating yourself up about this for a long time. But you were a child yourself when it happened. You took responsibility for your safety, and that’s OK. I hope you don’t think you should have been molested instead of her.
And you definitely didn’t deserve to be raped later. No one ever deserves to be raped, no matter what they’ve done. Rape is never karma; it’s always a crime.
(((((B2C)))))
Did you say you’re seeing your T tonight? I hope you’re able to get it out. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:36:52
In reply to we don't hate you » B2chica, posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:30:43
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:35:29
In reply to you can all hate me now.**another trigger**, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2005, at 10:59:49
You are a very very good person. Take Care. We love you - we never even think of hating you. And I am sure nobody ever did hate you. It is hard to believe it sometime, as I have been realizing myself lately, but that is the truth.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 9, 2005, at 13:41:41
In reply to we don't hate you » B2chica, posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 12:30:43
I couldn't say it any better than Tamar.
It's not your fault. I'm glad you are able to get this out, and I hope that your T can help you with this.
((((B2chica))))gg
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