![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 38 to 62 of 90. Go back in thread:
Posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:06:14
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
the day the music died...
had a bit of a bump yesterday/this morning. that's why i didn't post.
i think there were several factors for it, but it bummed me out to say the least.
some of the factors were dealing with the treatment itself and some were outside of the treatment...
first, i hardly slept tuesday night. i have been getting my treatments in the evening. i didn't realize it, but but maybe the activating of my brain may have been causing this. also, i quit remeron a few weeks ago. and, i have been using less klonopin. and, i had a 2 huge ice coffees from starbucks; 1 at breakfast and one at 7pm which i never do.
the day started out fine, but i got extremely tired/fatigued as the afternoon wore on. then, the depression really came back. intrusive thoughts, tried listening to some music. no go. got out for lunch, and then roughed it out until treatment time...
laying in bed for almost 4 years now i forgot about rush hour traffic. duh. add that to the list of stuff going on. also, driving down famous pch to the doc's office is right by the school that i used to teach at for so many years. i have been avoiding that area for a long time. i have a 2011 vw gti that i love. it has 9000 miles on it at almost 4 years of ownership. shows you how little i have been moving from my house.
next, my doc's assistant would be doing the treatment this time. there was just a different vibe. she is a sweetheart, but i could tell she was struggling to set-up the helmet correctly.
finally, the big one; the goal is to get to a threshold of pulses at a number of 120. my first two sessions were at 100. my doc had told me they would slowly calibrate up. besides that first day deal with the teeth and a little freaky feeling of a vibrating brain the first day, i was good to go and confident with going to 110...
well, we start and i really can feel a difference. again, it's not painful. just a strange sensation. also, my hands would tremor pretty strongly with each pulse. this made me anxious. the assistant noticed this right away and readjusted the helmet, but still i had the hand tremors and a brain that felt like it was doing the 'lindy hop' in my head. (that one was for you hugh.) i was like good god, this can't be right. then, i started getting some tremor at the base/back of my skull. basically right before each pulse. i was trying to breathe calmly and just get thru it.
then, something good happened. it was over seemingly much quicker than the first 2 treatments. i even asked the assistant did we do 18 minutes? she said 'yup.'
i asked her about the hand tremors and she said it was all fine. and, that within a few days i would acclimate and the tremors most likely would setllle down. i was not too confident to be honest with her words.
i left not feeling so great to be honest. a little beat-up; emotionally and physically.
i called my massage spa and said i need a massage tonight. i booked 2 hours. (i go about once every two months.) usually i like deep tissue massage. when i got their the girl who usually does my massages, and knows about what's going on with me could tell i was not doing so well. i asked her for the most gentle swedish massage she could give me. lol
i got home and i was just absolutely beat. took a little klonopin and fell asleep pretty quickly. 3 hours later i was up. i had slept very deeply, but not very long.
i was concerned to say the least. i was not feeling as good as i had the first 2 days...
oh yeah, the gal asked if i wanted to change the time of the treatments. i said yes, i think that would be a good idea. so, we set a time for 11am for today.
i was at starbucks having coffee and breakfast by 7am today. i sat by a fountain and read a little article about the dalai lama. the short article was about a trip the dalai lama had taken to aspen many years ago. this reporter had spent a whole week with the dalai lama taking him to meetings, lectures, dinners with celebrities, politicians, etc. but, it wasn't until the last day that the dalai lama got all excited like a child would to see something he had never seen; snow skiing. so, off went the whole entourage to a ski resort. the dalai lama gets on a lift with his robes and sandals and is fascinated at what he sees. he is even told there are people who ski with one leg. he is amazed.
they come down and go into the lodge for hot chocolate. the reporter then writes that a young waitress comes over to the dalai lama and plops right down and asks; 'what is the meaning of life?' the reporter realizes that not once during the whole week had anybody asked the dalai lama the most important question of all. there is a stunned silence from the vip entourage. the dalai lama says that is easy to answer; 'happiness.' he pauses. and then he says the hard question is not what is the meaning of life. this is easy to answer. no, the hard question is what makes happiness? money? big house? accomplishments? friends? or...he paused. 'compassion and good heart? this is a question all human beings must try and answer; what makes true happiness?' again he pauses and does not say another word. the girl stands up and says 'thank-you' and leaves to go back to work.
i started crying at friggin' starbucks. by a water fountain no less. my depression was back. and, bad.
i get home and do some things to keep my mind occupied and then head off for my 4th treatment today feleing pretty darn bad and anxious about this deep tms thing...
Posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:08:06
In reply to Re: day 2 deep tms » johnLA, posted by Hugh on August 7, 2014, at 16:00:14
> > by the way i never heard of that expression. sounds southern. i like it.
>
> "Plate o' shrimp" is from Repo Man.
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ToUAkEF_d4shame on me. i taught film history for god sake! :)
Posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:30:32
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
did i mention i was greek? lol
and, that the greeks supposedly invented drama. there is even a ancient/modern city in greece still named drama.
what a difference a day makes as dinah washington would sing so beautifully...
so, i get there today. 11am. less traffic, more energy from me, but still worried it's already a failure and i don't think i'll be able to stand 10 to 15 days of increasing hand tremors and brain vibrations...
the kind assistant is there again and says we will do 110 threshold again. she had spoken to the doc and said no need to rush. some people need a bit more time/sessions to work up to 120.
i am not too confident at hearing this, but i strap-up, put the ear-plugs and mouth guard in and start praying...
she counts down to the first pulse; '1...2...3' and an amazing thing happens. just as she told me and and just as the doc had told me on the first day my hands have just a slight mild 'buzz.' more importantly my brain vibrating feels good. wtf? i'm thinking she must have dialed down the threshold, but i can't talk with the mouth guard in. she says 'a lot better today. as usual with everyone else as well.' still not too confident, but after about 5 pulses i close my eyes and just enjoy the ride. it feels good. really. i laugh at myself for the drama queen that i am while treatment continues.
and, then again, just like that it's over. the calmness and good feeling i had on the first 2 treatments is back. i walk outside and the sun is up. it's a sunny day physically and emotionally all of the sudden. no euphoria, but i'm in a good mood.
i decide to go over to a bike shop and take a look around. been wanting to that for a while now. thinking i'll get back into cycling like before i got depressed. had a long cool talk with the bike mechanic 'manny.' things are normal. no intrusive thoughts.
put the radio on and 'love the one your with' is on. i can feel it again. life is gonna be ok today. i'll take it.
i go do some errands that i have been putting of.
do the dishes when i get home.
call a buddy to go hit the beach (hopefully) late this afternoon and catch some waves.
write way too long posts here on babble. lol
wild.
may need to take some remeron tonight. so what.
maybe something is happening like i thought after the first two treatments...
Posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:41:35
In reply to Re: day 2 deep tms » johnLA, posted by Hugh on August 7, 2014, at 16:00:14
> > by the way i never heard of that expression. sounds southern. i like it.
>
> "Plate o' shrimp" is from Repo Man.
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ToUAkEF_d4more shrimp hugh...
a lot of 'repo man' was filmed in my town...
Posted by Tomatheus on August 7, 2014, at 17:45:20
In reply to day 3 of deep tms » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:06:14
John,
It's really too bad that you seem to have hit a bump, as you said, after having received three days' worth of deep TMS treatments. I know that you wrote that the feelings of well being that you seemed to be experiencing earlier might have been part of a placebo response, but whether what you were experiencing was placebo or not, it can be frustrating when feelings of well being that emerge at the onset of treatment begin to fade away. Do you think that it could still be a matter of time before you'll start to see the true therapeutic benefits of deep TMS treatment?
I hope that your fourth day into deep TMS treatment will somehow go better than your third day went.
Tomatheus
Posted by Tomatheus on August 7, 2014, at 17:51:12
In reply to day 4 deep tms... » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:30:32
John,
Well, it looks like your fourth day into being treated with deep TMS is indeed going better than the way your third day was going. I was glad to read about your turnaround, and I hope that the good feelings that you've been experiencing will continue.
Tomatheus
Posted by Chris O on August 7, 2014, at 19:32:01
In reply to day 4 deep tms... » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:30:32
Wow, John, sounds like it's a bit of a wild ride. Glad the fourth day is better than the third. It's great that you're providing detailed descriptions of your experience. I find it really helpful. I enjoyed the "shrimp speech" from "Repo Man" too. Hang in there.
Chris
Posted by Phillipa on August 7, 2014, at 20:50:27
In reply to Re: day 4 deep tms... » johnLA, posted by Chris O on August 7, 2014, at 19:32:01
Me too sounds like today was a very productive day for you. More so than in the last few years. Phillipa
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:16:38
In reply to Re: day 4 deep tms... » johnLA, posted by Tomatheus on August 7, 2014, at 17:51:12
> John,
>
> Well, it looks like your fourth day into being treated with deep TMS is indeed going better than the way your third day was going. I was glad to read about your turnaround, and I hope that the good feelings that you've been experiencing will continue.
>
> Tomatheusthnx for your message tomatheus. i appreciate your good words.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:18:09
In reply to Re: day 4 deep tms... » johnLA, posted by Chris O on August 7, 2014, at 19:32:01
> Wow, John, sounds like it's a bit of a wild ride. Glad the fourth day is better than the third. It's great that you're providing detailed descriptions of your experience. I find it really helpful. I enjoyed the "shrimp speech" from "Repo Man" too. Hang in there.
>
> Chrisup and down it has been chris. thnx for your messages. i'll try to add as much shrimp as hugh allows! :)
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:20:38
In reply to Re: day 4 deep tms..., posted by Phillipa on August 7, 2014, at 20:50:27
> Me too sounds like today was a very productive day for you. More so than in the last few years. Phillipa
thanks phillipa. if i could only get some consistency. argh.
i realized that by friday's treatment, that that was the first time in 4 years that i had done anything 5 days in a row since i stopped teaching. wild.
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:29:46
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
day 5 was this past friday.
i had the treatment done at 6pm. it was difficult for me to get down there to get it done. i was exhausted by the afternoon. really had to push myself to get there.
as i mentioned in the previous post to phillipa i realized this is the first time in over 4 years that i have done anything 5 days straight. lol
i was a teacher for 28 years. rarely missed class. drove down and back the same road (pch) all those years. freaky how when you are out of the loop for as long as i have how different the world looks. i looked at all the commuters and said where the hell is everyone going/coming from?
anyway, deep tms #5 we got to a threshold of 115. just like the doc said i would have no problem. she was right. not head problems or hand tremors. just a good vibration of the brain.
felt a little disappointed to be honest. i didn't have a 'feel good' mood like the other times.
i for sure feel more of a response in the am when we do the treatments in the morning, so we switched to am appointments for all of next week.
she warned me that i may have a 'dip' in mood over the weekend...
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:34:40
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
just dreadful...
barely left my bed. literally.
amazing how low i can get. sunday was a bit better. had some old high school friends come visit. this got me moving at least.
could doing something 5 days in a row kick my *rs* that much? i have no idea, but i wasn't showering, shaving or eating much.
finally got it together sunday night and showered, shaved and got a bite to eat.
also, i thought we were going for just 10 treatments and then maintenance. everything i read said most initial courses were 15 to 20. then a taper. i was confused and thinking this is just gonna be another failure...
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:37:01
In reply to weekend :(, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:34:40
forgot to mention;
the doc on friday said it's up and down the first few weeks and to expect that.
she is confident she'll get me better. wish i could truly believe her...
i can only hope.
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:54:24
In reply to oh yeah; patience!, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:37:01
listening to 'green onions' live by tom petty right now...
went in for my 6th treatment today. we hit the therapeutic threshold of '120.' um, can you turn it up to 11? (hugh?)
feel pretty good. listening to some music. went out for coffee with my niece from greece. yeah, that rhymes.
did a few errands.
off to dinner later with a buddy.
i also found-out today that we will be doing a full course of 20 treatments. i was so very glad to hear this. something is definitely happening. the tech today said that generally the 'good feeling' will last longer and longer as we get deeper into treatment. again, i can only hope.
'120' wasn't bad at all. it is actually a little pleasurable. not exactly tickling the brain, but the brain, which feels like it's vibrating feels like it is being massaged or activated. hard to explain.
i am glad we are at full therapeutic level now. i wonder if they go higher? i'll have to ask on that.
not sure i will report here every day, but if you have any questions just let me know.
as usual, godspeed good health to all of us.
john
ps dire straits on right now playing 'walk of life'...'here come johnny singing oldies goldies...' synchronicity perhaps? ;)
Posted by Twinleaf on August 11, 2014, at 18:59:01
In reply to oh yeah; patience!, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:37:01
I know what you are doing is so new that you can't really compare it to anything else, but I wanted to give you hope. I had 20 rTMS treatments before I began to emerge out of severe depression, and I have had a total of 150-200 treatments over the last seven years - all the later ones for maintenance. I am really in remission now, finally, but it took a long tme. I do hope it goes a lot faster for you!
I,too, really appreciate your daily reports. They are tremendously helpful and informative.
Posted by Chris O on August 11, 2014, at 21:50:57
In reply to weekend :(, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:34:40
Hang in there, John! What a bloody hell depression and anxiety are. I'm sure we don't have exactly the same symptoms, but I understand what you're saying about not being able to get out of bed. I feel that way on many days; just no energy and a knowledge that I cannot engage meaningfully in the world of human relationships, a feeling of no "agency." I really hope deep TMS works some more wonders for you, like it did the first few times.
Chris
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 15:11:59
In reply to Re: oh yeah; patience! » johnLA, posted by Twinleaf on August 11, 2014, at 18:59:01
> I know what you are doing is so new that you can't really compare it to anything else, but I wanted to give you hope. I had 20 rTMS treatments before I began to emerge out of severe depression, and I have had a total of 150-200 treatments over the last seven years - all the later ones for maintenance. I am really in remission now, finally, but it took a long tme. I do hope it goes a lot faster for you!
>
> I,too, really appreciate your daily reports. They are tremendously helpful and informative.
>
>
thanks you so very much twinleaf. i can't tell you how happy i am to hear that tms works for you.hope is an amazing part of being human. and, a good sword against depression.
thnx again for the gift.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 15:16:28
In reply to Re: weekend :( » johnLA, posted by Chris O on August 11, 2014, at 21:50:57
> Hang in there, John! What a bloody hell depression and anxiety are. I'm sure we don't have exactly the same symptoms, but I understand what you're saying about not being able to get out of bed. I feel that way on many days; just no energy and a knowledge that I cannot engage meaningfully in the world of human relationships, a feeling of no "agency." I really hope deep TMS works some more wonders for you, like it did the first few times.
>
> Christhanks again chris.
yeah, 'it takes one to know one.' god what an awful condition. 'no agency.' i like that. so true too unfortunately.
'it' steals so much from us. i am preaching to the choir, so i do not need to list the people, places, time, love, etc that i and i know so many others have lost as well here at babble.
i appreciate you understanding. i'm sorry that you do.
you keep fighting too buddy.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:02:14
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
7 is a lucky number right? ;)
2nd day of full threshold ('120') and feeling pretty ok.
i forgot to ask if they turn it up at all. will try to remember to ask tomorrow. just curious. i will be doing the treatment tomorrow with the doc, so it will be a good time to ask some questions. again, please let me know if you have any questions for her or myself.
again, listening to some music. showered now 3 days in a row. good gawd. i used to shower 2x's a day for crying-out-loud. anyway, i was motivated to take a shower this morning.
i think having some place to go everyday has been just as important as the treatments. placebo or not, i am doing things. the treatment not only breaks my inertia, but seems to get me moving and then gets my mind off myself. this is good.
one of my biggest problems is i spend so much time alone. i was always very social, but i also really liked my solitude. somewhere my solitude turned into loneliness. (not my line, but explains what most of us know; how absolutely lonely you can feel when depressed.)
a lot of solitude is great for a monk, but not for somebody going thru depression. i am lucky that i still have a few friends that have not given-up on me. family too. still, a single guy my whole life i never realized how lonely a person could feel.
i guess what i am getting at is that the treatments seem to get me out in the world and out of my cave. the more i do this, the more back to what i knew before depression seems to occupy my thoughts.
i mentioned in an earlier post that the place i go to is in the town where i taught for almost 20 years. i have literally avoided that community for the past 4 years. well, today after treatment i went by my old school. "truckin'" by the grateful dead was playing. i never was a fan of them, but there were some great lines in that song as i drove past the place i spent close to 2 decades. i didn't freak or feel sad. well, a little sadness, but nothing like the other time i went late one night and walked around the school. teaching meant so much to me. maybe too much? i miss it, but then again i don't. sigh. going to have to figure that one out. i still dream of teaching. must mean something.
i am more 'awake' on days of treatments i am realizing. good to have it in the am for those of you thinking of doing it.
i've been doing push-ups too. yay! :) i used to be a real gym rat. i have not really worked-out in these 4 years. i'm setting a goal of doing 4 sets of 10 push-ups each day. wish i could add some cardio to that. i restarted my gym membership. it is an amazing gym. there is a wonderful outdoor pool that overlooks the ocean. if i start getting back to the gym i think this will be a real tangible sign that things are getting better.
vanity; never realized it before, but i am a little fat for the first time in my life. thank-you remeron and sitting on my *rs* for 4 years. i know i'm not 17 anymore, but i weighed the same weight since i was 17 until i got depressed. sigh. mid-life crisis.
had coffee at the starbucks where i cried last. today was good. sun was out and i took my time soaking-up some sun. beautiful day here today. i sure hope i can get down to the beach later.
i have 7 days in at the beach this summer so far. my goal is 10. somewhere i mentioned that i used to get in probably close to a 100 days at the beach between here and greece. i think i also mentioned that in greece people 'count' with pride when you ask them how many days have you been to the beach. kind of like how many 'ski days' people will respond to here in the states. (sorry if i mentioned all this before. i think i did. lol) anyway, i always loved asking little kids, or even more, very old people in greece; 'posa bania fetos?'. ('how many swims this year?) they would respond with such enthusiasm. 27! 53! 61 cuz i did 2 yesterday! it's quite a neat tradition that i remember from my childhood. so, i want 10 friggin' 'bania' this summer. that will be the most since 2009...
man i can yak.
it's interesting the thoughts that go thru my head while i am doing the treatment. you are almost in a meditative position. you are forced to sit still and upright. i take deep breaths and think 'heal me. heal me. heal me.' sometimes. sometimes i am like how the f#$%! did i end-up doing this gig. lol sometimes i wonder what will happen if i get better. my hair actually stands-up when i get theses thoughts. a chill actually. what will i do if i get better? probably run manic up and down my neighborhood like a mad greek hugging everyone i know saying i'm back!
or, i wonder too what if this is yet another failure? i need to prepare for that too. sigh.
one day at a time. it's all some of us can do...
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:34:41
In reply to day 7 deep tms, posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:02:14
yesterday was a shocker to say the least when i heard about robin williams.
i'm sure it hit many of you very deeply as well.
i had only one discussion in my life before depression about suicide. i remember it very distinctly. i said it must be so hard to kill yourself. i was in college at the time. the guy i said it to said why do you say that? i said because life is so beautiful. what could ever make a person reach a point where they would not want to live anymore? i was young.
many years later a student said to me; 'you can't be happy every day mr. m.' i replied; 'why not?' how naive, spoiled, lucky, blessed i was.
as the news broke about robin williams i had several family/friends check-in on me. my 2 best guy friends who have been on my side since day 1 of this took me out for our usual monday man date night. we talked about it. these two buddies are like brothers to me. i am so lucky to have them. one of my dear sisters also called to check on me. i think she was pretty shook-up. maybe made her realize what depression does sometimes. i also had several other friends call or text just to check-in. one of my favorite sayings pre-depression used to be 'i feel a lot of love in the room!' luckily i felt it from the people closest to me last night. i am blessed. i need to remember that...
i posted the following on a news site. i was surprised by the responses i got. i think/hope a change is coming for all of us in regards to mental health...
Robin Williams, manic comedy star, dead at 63
john 18 hours ago 54 likes
close to 40,000 americans take their own lives each year. almost 8 times as many as that try. fewer are murdered. fewer die from aids. fewer die in traffic accidents. fewer died in viet nam than in a year-and-a-half here due to suicide. more soldiers are dying due to completed suicides than are dying in the battles we are fighting currently. by the year 2020 the world health organization predicts depression will be the leading cause of disability in the world. (it's currently 2nd.) i believe something like a 'civil rights' movement for mental health is needed in our country. i don't know the answers. all i know is i suffer from depression. i hate that word. there should be a different word for it. it is not sadness. it is something much more; soul crushing and mind altering.
one of the fastest growing number of suicides are in the teenager age group.
50% of americans believe it is not a 'real' condition.
i'm not joking; we need a 'ralph nader' for mental health crusading...
god i wish john lennon or bob marley were still alive.
Replies
Nik 18 hours ago 10 likes
What he said ^The New Dread Pirate Roberts 18 hours ago 9 likes
Or both. Wishing you the best!Kevin 18 hours ago 11 likes
Interesting words John. Hang in there.Robert 17 hours ago 20 likes
Dear John: I am a Vietnam Vet. I won an Army Commendation Medal with a "V" device for valor in combat, but coming home was difficult. I had PTSD but no one at the time knew what it was. My mother kicked me out of her apartment after I got back when she dropped a pan in the kitchen and I jumped behind her couch where she found me. I lived through one too many rocket and mortar attacks by the VC. Only mention this stuff because it took many years to "get my head together." Life is incredibly difficult and hard and at times unforgiving, in that no matter what you have achieved, the amount of money you make or the things you possess, sometimes when peering "through the lookingglass" like is dark and forbidding and for some not worth living anymore. I am now a successful writer and have been happily married for 27 plus years and live in a gated community in Stockton, CA. However, the long rocky road from there to here was filled with serious depression. I am one of the other 50% who believes that depression does exist. Just before I got my first book published I lay in bed in a black depression and after about 24 hours my phone rang. It was my literary agent in New York and I had sold a book and the movie rights, changing my life forever. I sometimes wonder about "what if" I had't received that call. I loved your comment because it was deep and revealing. Thank you. StocktonRob Veteran of the Big Red One at Lai Khe, S.V.
Codyboy20114 17 hours ago 11 likes
@Robert: Thank you for giving hope to John. More people need to reach out and help others, as you did, and acknowledge what depression is. This country treats depression as such Taboo. It's really sad.
MoreCaroline 17 hours ago 11 likes
To John: I understand what you're saying, and I clicked the "like" button, although of course I don't actually like this situation. I agree that this is all much more complicated than simply using the term depression. There are many, many forms of cancer, and the same is true of depression. For me, it's a lack of self-esteem, and I'm a relatively successful person. For Robin Williams who was super successful, he may still have never felt that way inside.Ted 15 hours ago 7 likes
John, your post was right on the money. Depression kills, and isn't taken seriously yet. I hope you get the help you need and find peace brother!me again...
rip robin williams. you were one absolutely amazing human being. i am so sorry for your family and friends. and, us too who you brought so much joy to.
Posted by Chris O on August 12, 2014, at 16:50:33
In reply to day 7 deep tms, posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:02:14
That was a very insightful and moving self analysis. I don't have time to reply to it now, but I can relate to much of it, in one way or another. Good to know today was a bit better for the deep TMS.
This sentence struck me as particularly humorous:
"...showered now 3 days in a row. good gawd..."
Man, I'm totally there. Sometimes I even sit around in my underwear all day.
Chris
Posted by Beckett on August 12, 2014, at 22:15:35
In reply to ***possible trigger***, posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:34:41
>god I wish john lennon or bob marley were still alive
I miss John Lennon.
During my first hospitalization, the doctor said once someone 'tastes this kind of anxiety and depression', that experiences changes them. I've come to realize, for myself, that I will experience ups and downs. I try not to be frightened or dismayed by the downward turns.
Thanks for posting your progress.
Posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:33:54
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
well, almost half-way done with the 'acute' part of my treatments...
the protocol is 20 treatments for 4 weeks straight, then 2 or 3 times-a-week taper for 2 to 12 weeks. or, even longer.
patience. i'll get to that in a sec.
yesterday i forgot my mouthguard. was a little concerned about that. was pleasantly surprised that i had no problem with my teeth clattering like i did on my first day, and that was at a lower threshold. so, the doc was absolutely correct. one gets acclimated to the strange feeling of the pulses.
positive;
1. i continue to get to treatment and do a few errands each day. this may not sound like much, but after 4+ years of sometimes not leaving the house for days i look at this as a plus. also, i have failed at consistently going to therapy and pdoc appointments in the past. the last 2 days have been a struggle, but i am getting there. that's 9 days in a row of doing something i committed to. that has not happened since i was teaching/before my depression hit. i need to remind myself of this being a positive.
2. some physical activity. as i mentioned before i was very very active at the gym, sea, volleyball, biking, dancing!, walking and more. i am far from that, but i am doing push-ups each day. also, losing a bit of the weight i have put on these past 4 years has been good for my self-esteem. feels good to go down a notch on the belt.
3. personal hygiene. not the best, but better. as mentioned also before i used to take 2 showers a day before depression. sometimes i have gone a week w/out shaving or showering. i had a 4 day run of showers that stopped 2 days ago. i plan on showering tonight! thank-god i have no sense of smell i guess.
4. other activities; not listening to music as much as last week to be honest. but, i did watch 2 movies in the last 2 days. for a guy who use to go the movies at least twice a week i am hoping this is a start back. first movie concentration was good. 2nd movie my mind would drift. i have not been to the movies in almost 2 years.
5. doc said yesterday that 'mood' is usually the last thing to improve with deep tms. usually a slow uptick in activity, return of pleasure, less ruminations, etc. then, mood lifts. she has been right so far on other things she has told me. i am hoping this will be the case. patience.
6. watering my 91 year-old dear mother's rose bush. it has come back to life quickly. i miss her so. she is in greece now living with my sister. i am hoping i can find the strength to go see her. she has been thru so very much. seeing the roses bloom so quickly i hope is symbolic. but, it also reminds me how much i miss her.
7. i actually cooked. lol i never cook. i cooked some halibut. burned it a bit, but i think i will start asking family and friends for simple things to cook. since i can't smell, my taste is diminished. still, a good steak, piece of fish, or any suggestions? may fill some of my time too in a positive way. i hope. cooking for one can be a bummer sometimes though. but, maybe committing to a good piece of meat or fish, say 2x's a week is realistic and not too lonely-ish?
negatives;
1. i want something magical to happen. i want to be like the people that i have heard that have recovered from depression. that can feel again. i mean feel pleasure, love, life. i have had some moments of that. one can't be 'happy' all the time, but the amount of time i spend 'in' depression is still the majority of my thinking. i may be asking for too much. people live with all sorts of conditions.
2. i'm a bit scared to be honest. i mentioned that if this is another failure i will be ok. i hope so. summer is the hardest time for me and the days are already getting shorter. i can feel fall coming. on the plus, i think shorter days will make it more bearable. but, another school year will start without me in a classroom. i am still having dreams almost every night of teaching. it meant so much to me. the longer i stay away from what i had a bit of a gift for, the less i feel i will ever do it again.
3. ruminations. how long can one think about one's personal history? i was always a creature of habit, but after i do my treatment, get something to eat, and do an errand or two it's back to my bedroom and on the computer. argh. habits are hard to break. plus, i was always inside until late afternoon, so i was never big on being outside during the height of the day. even when i went to the beach i enjoyed it at the end of the day. sun can set in greece after 9pm. here in LA it's around 8pm.
4. was hoping for more 'activation' in my daytime hours. again, this has happened a bit just by going to treatments each day. it does break the inertia, but i still feel better when the sun sets.
blah blah blah...
same stuff. sorry.
tomorrow i do a midpoint depression assessment as i did to start. to be honest i do not think there will be much change in my scoring. i guess the positive on that will be if i score 51 again; my old high school and college football number. yay! go team! ;) been a long time since a cheerleader cheered for me. hugh? any chance you could supply a cheer? a 'man' cheer?
sorry for the downbeat. i'm just tired. a good friend and i will be going out for dinner tonight. thank-god i have some people that have not quit on me.
thanks for letting me rant.
john
ps just decided to take a good long shower. thanks again for letting me yak. it helped.
Posted by Phillipa on August 14, 2014, at 20:47:39
In reply to deep tms days 8 and 9 » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:33:54
One shower a day is pleanty. I admire you eating fish and meat without smell taste as it kind of makes me sick so I don't. I would love a salad each night but get depressed when can't taste it. So it's chicken, green beans, 1/2 baked potatoe prepared by husband. And in my defense I hadn't cooked since I began working back in 85 since ate at work.
Congrats sounds to me like you are accomplishing a whole lot. Phillipa
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