Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:02:14
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
7 is a lucky number right? ;)
2nd day of full threshold ('120') and feeling pretty ok.
i forgot to ask if they turn it up at all. will try to remember to ask tomorrow. just curious. i will be doing the treatment tomorrow with the doc, so it will be a good time to ask some questions. again, please let me know if you have any questions for her or myself.
again, listening to some music. showered now 3 days in a row. good gawd. i used to shower 2x's a day for crying-out-loud. anyway, i was motivated to take a shower this morning.
i think having some place to go everyday has been just as important as the treatments. placebo or not, i am doing things. the treatment not only breaks my inertia, but seems to get me moving and then gets my mind off myself. this is good.
one of my biggest problems is i spend so much time alone. i was always very social, but i also really liked my solitude. somewhere my solitude turned into loneliness. (not my line, but explains what most of us know; how absolutely lonely you can feel when depressed.)
a lot of solitude is great for a monk, but not for somebody going thru depression. i am lucky that i still have a few friends that have not given-up on me. family too. still, a single guy my whole life i never realized how lonely a person could feel.
i guess what i am getting at is that the treatments seem to get me out in the world and out of my cave. the more i do this, the more back to what i knew before depression seems to occupy my thoughts.
i mentioned in an earlier post that the place i go to is in the town where i taught for almost 20 years. i have literally avoided that community for the past 4 years. well, today after treatment i went by my old school. "truckin'" by the grateful dead was playing. i never was a fan of them, but there were some great lines in that song as i drove past the place i spent close to 2 decades. i didn't freak or feel sad. well, a little sadness, but nothing like the other time i went late one night and walked around the school. teaching meant so much to me. maybe too much? i miss it, but then again i don't. sigh. going to have to figure that one out. i still dream of teaching. must mean something.
i am more 'awake' on days of treatments i am realizing. good to have it in the am for those of you thinking of doing it.
i've been doing push-ups too. yay! :) i used to be a real gym rat. i have not really worked-out in these 4 years. i'm setting a goal of doing 4 sets of 10 push-ups each day. wish i could add some cardio to that. i restarted my gym membership. it is an amazing gym. there is a wonderful outdoor pool that overlooks the ocean. if i start getting back to the gym i think this will be a real tangible sign that things are getting better.
vanity; never realized it before, but i am a little fat for the first time in my life. thank-you remeron and sitting on my *rs* for 4 years. i know i'm not 17 anymore, but i weighed the same weight since i was 17 until i got depressed. sigh. mid-life crisis.
had coffee at the starbucks where i cried last. today was good. sun was out and i took my time soaking-up some sun. beautiful day here today. i sure hope i can get down to the beach later.
i have 7 days in at the beach this summer so far. my goal is 10. somewhere i mentioned that i used to get in probably close to a 100 days at the beach between here and greece. i think i also mentioned that in greece people 'count' with pride when you ask them how many days have you been to the beach. kind of like how many 'ski days' people will respond to here in the states. (sorry if i mentioned all this before. i think i did. lol) anyway, i always loved asking little kids, or even more, very old people in greece; 'posa bania fetos?'. ('how many swims this year?) they would respond with such enthusiasm. 27! 53! 61 cuz i did 2 yesterday! it's quite a neat tradition that i remember from my childhood. so, i want 10 friggin' 'bania' this summer. that will be the most since 2009...
man i can yak.
it's interesting the thoughts that go thru my head while i am doing the treatment. you are almost in a meditative position. you are forced to sit still and upright. i take deep breaths and think 'heal me. heal me. heal me.' sometimes. sometimes i am like how the f#$%! did i end-up doing this gig. lol sometimes i wonder what will happen if i get better. my hair actually stands-up when i get theses thoughts. a chill actually. what will i do if i get better? probably run manic up and down my neighborhood like a mad greek hugging everyone i know saying i'm back!
or, i wonder too what if this is yet another failure? i need to prepare for that too. sigh.
one day at a time. it's all some of us can do...
poster:johnLA
thread:1069147
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140717/msgs/1069649.html