Posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:33:54
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
well, almost half-way done with the 'acute' part of my treatments...
the protocol is 20 treatments for 4 weeks straight, then 2 or 3 times-a-week taper for 2 to 12 weeks. or, even longer.
patience. i'll get to that in a sec.
yesterday i forgot my mouthguard. was a little concerned about that. was pleasantly surprised that i had no problem with my teeth clattering like i did on my first day, and that was at a lower threshold. so, the doc was absolutely correct. one gets acclimated to the strange feeling of the pulses.
positive;
1. i continue to get to treatment and do a few errands each day. this may not sound like much, but after 4+ years of sometimes not leaving the house for days i look at this as a plus. also, i have failed at consistently going to therapy and pdoc appointments in the past. the last 2 days have been a struggle, but i am getting there. that's 9 days in a row of doing something i committed to. that has not happened since i was teaching/before my depression hit. i need to remind myself of this being a positive.
2. some physical activity. as i mentioned before i was very very active at the gym, sea, volleyball, biking, dancing!, walking and more. i am far from that, but i am doing push-ups each day. also, losing a bit of the weight i have put on these past 4 years has been good for my self-esteem. feels good to go down a notch on the belt.
3. personal hygiene. not the best, but better. as mentioned also before i used to take 2 showers a day before depression. sometimes i have gone a week w/out shaving or showering. i had a 4 day run of showers that stopped 2 days ago. i plan on showering tonight! thank-god i have no sense of smell i guess.
4. other activities; not listening to music as much as last week to be honest. but, i did watch 2 movies in the last 2 days. for a guy who use to go the movies at least twice a week i am hoping this is a start back. first movie concentration was good. 2nd movie my mind would drift. i have not been to the movies in almost 2 years.
5. doc said yesterday that 'mood' is usually the last thing to improve with deep tms. usually a slow uptick in activity, return of pleasure, less ruminations, etc. then, mood lifts. she has been right so far on other things she has told me. i am hoping this will be the case. patience.
6. watering my 91 year-old dear mother's rose bush. it has come back to life quickly. i miss her so. she is in greece now living with my sister. i am hoping i can find the strength to go see her. she has been thru so very much. seeing the roses bloom so quickly i hope is symbolic. but, it also reminds me how much i miss her.
7. i actually cooked. lol i never cook. i cooked some halibut. burned it a bit, but i think i will start asking family and friends for simple things to cook. since i can't smell, my taste is diminished. still, a good steak, piece of fish, or any suggestions? may fill some of my time too in a positive way. i hope. cooking for one can be a bummer sometimes though. but, maybe committing to a good piece of meat or fish, say 2x's a week is realistic and not too lonely-ish?
negatives;
1. i want something magical to happen. i want to be like the people that i have heard that have recovered from depression. that can feel again. i mean feel pleasure, love, life. i have had some moments of that. one can't be 'happy' all the time, but the amount of time i spend 'in' depression is still the majority of my thinking. i may be asking for too much. people live with all sorts of conditions.
2. i'm a bit scared to be honest. i mentioned that if this is another failure i will be ok. i hope so. summer is the hardest time for me and the days are already getting shorter. i can feel fall coming. on the plus, i think shorter days will make it more bearable. but, another school year will start without me in a classroom. i am still having dreams almost every night of teaching. it meant so much to me. the longer i stay away from what i had a bit of a gift for, the less i feel i will ever do it again.
3. ruminations. how long can one think about one's personal history? i was always a creature of habit, but after i do my treatment, get something to eat, and do an errand or two it's back to my bedroom and on the computer. argh. habits are hard to break. plus, i was always inside until late afternoon, so i was never big on being outside during the height of the day. even when i went to the beach i enjoyed it at the end of the day. sun can set in greece after 9pm. here in LA it's around 8pm.
4. was hoping for more 'activation' in my daytime hours. again, this has happened a bit just by going to treatments each day. it does break the inertia, but i still feel better when the sun sets.
blah blah blah...
same stuff. sorry.
tomorrow i do a midpoint depression assessment as i did to start. to be honest i do not think there will be much change in my scoring. i guess the positive on that will be if i score 51 again; my old high school and college football number. yay! go team! ;) been a long time since a cheerleader cheered for me. hugh? any chance you could supply a cheer? a 'man' cheer?
sorry for the downbeat. i'm just tired. a good friend and i will be going out for dinner tonight. thank-god i have some people that have not quit on me.
thanks for letting me rant.
john
ps just decided to take a good long shower. thanks again for letting me yak. it helped.
poster:johnLA
thread:1069147
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140717/msgs/1069788.html