Posted by johnLA on August 7, 2014, at 17:06:14
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
the day the music died...
had a bit of a bump yesterday/this morning. that's why i didn't post.
i think there were several factors for it, but it bummed me out to say the least.
some of the factors were dealing with the treatment itself and some were outside of the treatment...
first, i hardly slept tuesday night. i have been getting my treatments in the evening. i didn't realize it, but but maybe the activating of my brain may have been causing this. also, i quit remeron a few weeks ago. and, i have been using less klonopin. and, i had a 2 huge ice coffees from starbucks; 1 at breakfast and one at 7pm which i never do.
the day started out fine, but i got extremely tired/fatigued as the afternoon wore on. then, the depression really came back. intrusive thoughts, tried listening to some music. no go. got out for lunch, and then roughed it out until treatment time...
laying in bed for almost 4 years now i forgot about rush hour traffic. duh. add that to the list of stuff going on. also, driving down famous pch to the doc's office is right by the school that i used to teach at for so many years. i have been avoiding that area for a long time. i have a 2011 vw gti that i love. it has 9000 miles on it at almost 4 years of ownership. shows you how little i have been moving from my house.
next, my doc's assistant would be doing the treatment this time. there was just a different vibe. she is a sweetheart, but i could tell she was struggling to set-up the helmet correctly.
finally, the big one; the goal is to get to a threshold of pulses at a number of 120. my first two sessions were at 100. my doc had told me they would slowly calibrate up. besides that first day deal with the teeth and a little freaky feeling of a vibrating brain the first day, i was good to go and confident with going to 110...
well, we start and i really can feel a difference. again, it's not painful. just a strange sensation. also, my hands would tremor pretty strongly with each pulse. this made me anxious. the assistant noticed this right away and readjusted the helmet, but still i had the hand tremors and a brain that felt like it was doing the 'lindy hop' in my head. (that one was for you hugh.) i was like good god, this can't be right. then, i started getting some tremor at the base/back of my skull. basically right before each pulse. i was trying to breathe calmly and just get thru it.
then, something good happened. it was over seemingly much quicker than the first 2 treatments. i even asked the assistant did we do 18 minutes? she said 'yup.'
i asked her about the hand tremors and she said it was all fine. and, that within a few days i would acclimate and the tremors most likely would setllle down. i was not too confident to be honest with her words.
i left not feeling so great to be honest. a little beat-up; emotionally and physically.
i called my massage spa and said i need a massage tonight. i booked 2 hours. (i go about once every two months.) usually i like deep tissue massage. when i got their the girl who usually does my massages, and knows about what's going on with me could tell i was not doing so well. i asked her for the most gentle swedish massage she could give me. lol
i got home and i was just absolutely beat. took a little klonopin and fell asleep pretty quickly. 3 hours later i was up. i had slept very deeply, but not very long.
i was concerned to say the least. i was not feeling as good as i had the first 2 days...
oh yeah, the gal asked if i wanted to change the time of the treatments. i said yes, i think that would be a good idea. so, we set a time for 11am for today.
i was at starbucks having coffee and breakfast by 7am today. i sat by a fountain and read a little article about the dalai lama. the short article was about a trip the dalai lama had taken to aspen many years ago. this reporter had spent a whole week with the dalai lama taking him to meetings, lectures, dinners with celebrities, politicians, etc. but, it wasn't until the last day that the dalai lama got all excited like a child would to see something he had never seen; snow skiing. so, off went the whole entourage to a ski resort. the dalai lama gets on a lift with his robes and sandals and is fascinated at what he sees. he is even told there are people who ski with one leg. he is amazed.
they come down and go into the lodge for hot chocolate. the reporter then writes that a young waitress comes over to the dalai lama and plops right down and asks; 'what is the meaning of life?' the reporter realizes that not once during the whole week had anybody asked the dalai lama the most important question of all. there is a stunned silence from the vip entourage. the dalai lama says that is easy to answer; 'happiness.' he pauses. and then he says the hard question is not what is the meaning of life. this is easy to answer. no, the hard question is what makes happiness? money? big house? accomplishments? friends? or...he paused. 'compassion and good heart? this is a question all human beings must try and answer; what makes true happiness?' again he pauses and does not say another word. the girl stands up and says 'thank-you' and leaves to go back to work.
i started crying at friggin' starbucks. by a water fountain no less. my depression was back. and, bad.
i get home and do some things to keep my mind occupied and then head off for my 4th treatment today feleing pretty darn bad and anxious about this deep tms thing...
poster:johnLA
thread:1069147
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140717/msgs/1069372.html