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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 12:40:21
In reply to Re: HELP: Underlying Bipolar? im scared! » Hunk20, posted by chujoe on May 19, 2010, at 20:52:26
Ok people good news..
im kinda doing as horrible as ever and as good as ever. I feel my heart again. I see the whole world in different eyes. I got to say this is the first time i gave any antidepressant a try and i went for the hardest but there is no more important thing than my soul to me.
Im feeling it, i feel all the pain, and i feel love from people who can give it and i love FEELING. I can even give a little back. To me depression is a disease of the heart. I just looked away because it was too tough to take. And i almost went down feeling it, but i will hold onto it.
Doing lots of therapy, letting it all out, showing people who i really am and its GOOD.
I had an "emotion attack" shivering all over my body and singing this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc3Za3jfvJg . It was AWESOME.No i aint hypomanic, im free.
You hang in there guys there is hope i feel for you. You CAN get there!
Will check back in and tell you more if you want to.. im alone in a foreign country (usa) and im finding to myself here
Posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 18:56:02
In reply to NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT, posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 12:40:21
Problem is.. it is very hard to take. My whole family is totally f*ck*d up except my mom. And so was i.
They just dont unterstand it wich makes me angry and sad FOR THEM at the same time. I cant have contact with them :(
Posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2010, at 19:58:22
In reply to f*ck*d family, posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 18:56:02
Hunk why? Your mood just completly seemed to change? Phillipa
Posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 21:19:07
In reply to Re: f*ck*d family » Hunk20, posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2010, at 19:58:22
The worst but still the best time of my life.
Nardil makes me see, understand you know.
Had a conversation with my dad and my brother.. they kinda live in a different world. They are far away from me.
I tell my brother that i almost died from this epiphany and i am fighting for my life and he answered "but you have to make some decisions soon" meaning getting into a job and have a lucrative career.F*ck that f*ck the money and f*ck these half dead two people who have no heart you know. They just stumble sh*t and dont even know how sick they are and how sick they made me.
Its real heavy for me to not be depressed, because i see everything now. Nardil blew denial completly away. Got enough to do to heal myself and they seem hopeless to me.
I need all my strength for this now.
Kinda gotta give them up.
On the other hand i have stripper girl and i been completly open and honest with her.. and shes propably coming over soon:)
Hope to feel another bit of real love again soon(not the tainted, fake kind.. i didnt know anything else prior to this epiphany).she must have a real good heart because otherwise she wouldnt have dealt with this. Im hoping the best. You know you open yourself completly and the people that are bad for you go away by themselves..
Posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2010, at 22:06:50
In reply to Re: f*ck*d family, posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 21:19:07
Hi Hunk I must say I'm a bit concerned about you. Are you on the correct pdoc doseage of nardil? Not using anything you shouldn't or eating. I'm trusting you to reply. Phillipa
Posted by jedi on May 21, 2010, at 23:51:14
In reply to Re: f*ck*d family, posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 21:19:07
Hi HUNK20,
This is Jedi again. Following your posts, you do seem to be experiencing the hypomania that I experienced when Nardil first kicked in for me. You do not have to be Bipolar to have this reaction to Nardil. After reading posts here for many,many years it seems to be quite common. Like Scott said you can get 3 hours sleep and feel like that is just plenty. It was a long time ago, but there were nights when I got working on a project and I did not sleep at all. You really need to talk to your PDOC about these feelings. You probably have already. For a person who is not bipolar, I believe the initial hypomania will soon pass. It can be kind of a downer, but the medication can still work. As I mentioned before, try not to make big life changes while in this state. Your perceptions can be somewhat skewed, and you can make decisions that you will regret later. Anyway, my friend, you are just sounding a little wired. Talk to your doc and get through these initial stages.
Take care and be well,
Jedi
> The worst but still the best time of my life.
>
> Nardil makes me see, understand you know.
>
> Had a conversation with my dad and my brother.. they kinda live in a different world. They are far away from me.
> I tell my brother that i almost died from this epiphany and i am fighting for my life and he answered "but you have to make some decisions soon" meaning getting into a job and have a lucrative career.
>
> F*ck that f*ck the money and f*ck these half dead two people who have no heart you know. They just stumble sh*t and dont even know how sick they are and how sick they made me.
>
> Its real heavy for me to not be depressed, because i see everything now. Nardil blew denial completly away. Got enough to do to heal myself and they seem hopeless to me.
>
> I need all my strength for this now.
>
> Kinda gotta give them up.
>
> On the other hand i have stripper girl and i been completly open and honest with her.. and shes propably coming over soon:)
> Hope to feel another bit of real love again soon(not the tainted, fake kind.. i didnt know anything else prior to this epiphany).
>
> she must have a real good heart because otherwise she wouldnt have dealt with this. Im hoping the best. You know you open yourself completly and the people that are bad for you go away by themselves..
>
Posted by violette on May 22, 2010, at 0:20:55
In reply to Re: f*ck*d family, posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 21:19:07
Hopefully you are just adjusting to your new med, but to be frank, your reaction sounds like the type of mania that can progress into a delusional, psychotic breakthough. Not trying to scare you, but hoping you ask your gf to keep an eye on you for now and that you keep in regular contact with your pdoc.Its great your are feeling better and I hope it works out for the best. Just be cautious is all I am saying.
Posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 3:41:27
In reply to be careful » Hunk20, posted by violette on May 22, 2010, at 0:20:55
folks i am fine. there is not just meds there is psychological side. a really hurt heart.
i would like to just shake my father/brother or slap them in the face real hard to wake them up and see what i see.
I have to give them up and its really really hard.I didnt get sleep because of the conversation of my dad thats maybe also why i felt so f*ck*d. he is just hopeless.
you know my family is full of tainted and fake care.
anyways.. pray for me im having a really really tough life situation.. im in a foreign country with all this. detaching from half my family because they dont even know how to speak to someone. how to be close to someone. they have no ideatrying to stay close to the people that can. that have a strong good heart.
money yes, everything else NO. its a really sick background im coming from. i almost hate money right now
Posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 3:46:29
In reply to Re: f*ck*d family/Reply » Hunk20, posted by jedi on May 21, 2010, at 23:51:14
jedi, my two psychologists agree that im doing exactly the stuff that i need right now.
im in really close supervision, if i go nuts i will realize. But thank you.
i will take an antipsychotic in my wallet but i think its alright anyways. I do NOT feel fine with 3 hours i usually get like 6 and i get tired in the afternoon.
Please dont freak me out.. my situation is tough enough
Posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 11:49:28
In reply to Re: be careful, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 3:41:27
by the way im on 45 mg and my energy levels are normal. I just sometimes get f*ck*d, when i talk to these guys. thats where all my issues are coming from. because of THEM i was really f*ck*d the last 20 years.
i went to hookers(my bro told me its no big deal and i should try), spent heaps of money, stripclubs, tried to soothe myself with money.. pot, wrong friends, was doing everything so the two of them accept me. had to act in a certain way to be accepted. and its still not different.
(where did i just learn that?)
my dad controls everyone with his money.. and has 0 balls, just his money. a complete pussyhe is not able to show any closeness to people, just fake words.
thats why my parents broke up when i was 5! and the f*ck*d thing is he doesnt even know what my mom and i are talking about.
The truth can really f*ck you ya know. Epiphany is a beautiful thing but a really hard one
Posted by jedi on May 22, 2010, at 13:03:15
In reply to Re: f*ck*d family/Reply, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 3:46:29
> jedi, my two psychologists agree that im doing exactly the stuff that i need right now.
>
> im in really close supervision, if i go nuts i will realize. But thank you.
>
> i will take an antipsychotic in my wallet but i think its alright anyways. I do NOT feel fine with 3 hours i usually get like 6 and i get tired in the afternoon.
>
> Please dont freak me out.. my situation is tough enough
>
Hi Hunk20,
I sure wasn't trying to freak you out. If I did I apologize. I just wanted to let you know that some of the things you are going through when you first start on Nardil are common side effects. I went through some similar things many years ago.
Be Well,
Jedi
Posted by violette on May 22, 2010, at 13:08:55
In reply to Re: be careful, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 3:41:27
You said you are coming out of denial, and it hurts tremendously to feel this pain, and to add to that, your family is in denial, and has always been in denial, which is also very painful to realize after all of these years. You repressed that painful awareness with addictions and have come to realize that.
And, you have close psychiatric supervision, in addition to antipsychotics to take if needed, to deal with the emotional flooding and the overwhelmment of the emotional experience.
You are also mourning your childhood upon recognizing what you had missed out on due to your family relations.
Congratulations, it sounds as if you are on the road to recovery. Take good care.
Posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 15:14:19
In reply to Re: be careful, posted by violette on May 22, 2010, at 13:08:55
thanks violette..
it feels really good most of the time. good to be me:) open up to people now and tell them that im a f*ck*d up guy but im trying my best xD girls love that. you know a guy in touch with his feelings.
Its just that my self confidence is still somewhat dependant from these people. (dad + bro)
And when i talk to them they communicate bad stuff to me below the surface you know. It still f*cks me up sometimes.
Anyways Jedi i am sure its not the medication. I spoke up to someone giving me sh*t about me trying to heal and talking about it and got kicked outta the host family. Alone in a hotel room.
Im going a tough road and often stones are thrown in my way. When that happens i have the sleepless nights. There are always good reasons for the distress im feeling.
Normally i get 6-7 hours.
Thanks for you caring about me though.
Get back to you soon.
Posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 20:47:26
In reply to Re: be careful, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 15:14:19
My brother that manipulative bitchass..
just because they are too scared to do what i do. Im the youngest by far in this family and im the only one brave enough to face myself.
Now he is like "get back to me when you live a normal life again and stop thinking about you and your crap day and night"
good to know that i can throw him in the trash
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2010, at 22:00:25
In reply to They still have power over me, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 20:47:26
Hi Hunk get some sleep in? Weather good or bad? Phillipa
Posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 23:39:45
In reply to They still have power over me, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 20:47:26
Gotta say a few things about nardil since this is medication forum.
The self confidence i have right now is almost scary. Gotta change some of that old habits you know.. they worked with low self confidence but now i can stay cool :P But its really funny to try out stuff. People react VERY different to me. BETTER.
mood lift.. its not like i am happy all the time. like not for no reason. There are still things that upset me. I would say my emotions came to a good healthy level.
But i am endlessly thankful for nardil helping me to have this epiphany and to BLAST all denial away.
This is why it is a godsent. I can think like a healthy person.. but still the old habits and the old pain, the childhood need to be processed. But when that is done i am a happy man.
I view the world with different eyes now. Its a good place and there is hope to have a happy life and healthy good relationships. I was smiling at a MODEL in the middle of a photoshooting without hesitation. She smiled back. I smile at many people now its an awesome experience. You know give and take a bit of love. The world looks much brighter now.
Posted by Hunk20 on May 23, 2010, at 0:11:50
In reply to Nardil so far, posted by Hunk20 on May 22, 2010, at 23:39:45
and i got a motivation for a job. Help people, because all these people grabbed a heart and helped me.. I feel like this gives me a sense of purpose and it makes me happy. I was feeling so sh*tty because i forgot who i am. A sensitive person with a good big heart.
I wont be blinded by the money like bro and dad. Never again. I wanna help folks out because i believe in the good now and theres a lot of people in serious trouble out there.If nobody did i would have died an emotional death SERIOUSLY. All the pain at once. The mom of my host family gave me a hug while i was crying and saying how i feel. That was the first time i actually felt healthy love. She said "you are gonna be fine". And she believed in it you know. Not the fake sh*t that i heard in my family. I am endlessly thankful for this. This is exactly what never happened in my life.
Sometimes at night or when things get tough i pray to god.. didnt do this since primary school. I was SO far away from him. I never want to go back to being the selfish prick i was and feeling completly empty and numb. Im really scared this will ever happen.
Im very serious about changing myself for the better, being able to give people love and of course recieve a little too.
You know i see a homeless person and buy him a hotdog. Do you know how happy that makes me? i NEVER felt this. Before this whole thing i wouldnt have even seen him.
Posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2010, at 18:26:23
In reply to me after this experience, posted by Hunk20 on May 23, 2010, at 0:11:50
Hunk that sounds healthy. Phillipa
Posted by Hunk20 on May 23, 2010, at 23:51:56
In reply to Re: me after this experience » Hunk20, posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2010, at 18:26:23
thanks phillipa. well it wasnt all nardil of course.. i think people often tend to give the drug too much credit. You know covering things up with meds and staying partly in denial.
It was me, the situation and the support of nardil.
It was that i didnt run back home to germany even though it seemed like my stay in the usa isnt good for me anymore(wich of course my brother told me;). The last thing i wanted is that everything like it used to be again. Got kicked outta the host family because i spoke up, lived in a hotel room, am all alone in a foreign country with all this. Risked cutting myself financially, went to therapy even though i couldnt really pay it. I had the attitude f*ck it im going through whatever needs to be gone through. I risked my life for it.
But thats exactly what i needed to do. Stayed here even though the troubles coming. Nardil is exactly the kinda support i need. This is the place and time to go through it.
I am now speaking up against my folks in denial. Bro and Dad. My bro tries to manipulate me back to the "me" he likes. He quit contact to me. He is sick. I told him that i cant be manipulated and that its sad that he tries to. And i told him now at least i know that our friendship was fake. Gotta tell the devil that you know what he is.I hope these guys wake up one day. Its hard to watch all this and of course i miss my real brother and father. These guys are sick.
Thanks for the good words. I think ill be in the psychology part of the forum for a while to not overload the med forum with my stories;)
If you have questions about nardil or comments please go ahead.
Posted by Hunk20 on May 25, 2010, at 18:57:09
In reply to Re: NARDIL (Phenelzine) 4 weeks in, posted by Hunk20 on May 14, 2010, at 22:21:00
I was a complete fake.. it feels like now i can actually occasionally say something that comes from the center of my heart you know?
I kind of only hang with people, that accept my history. You know i just let them know when the conversation leads there.
Feels weird somehow. Many people would say im completly nuts, but thats the 70% of the population that has something??i still dont get it.. but it feels like my way. I can see the mentally healthy people now. and i make the others uncomfortable you know. like it used to be for me
Posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 15:39:34
In reply to NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT, posted by Hunk20 on May 21, 2010, at 12:40:21
> Ok people good news..
>
> im kinda doing as horrible as ever and as good as ever. I feel my heart again. I see the whole world in different eyes. I got to say this is the first time i gave any antidepressant a try and i went for the hardest but there is no more important thing than my soul to me.
>
> Im feeling it, i feel all the pain, and i feel love from people who can give it and i love FEELING. I can even give a little back. To me depression is a disease of the heart. I just looked away because it was too tough to take. And i almost went down feeling it, but i will hold onto it.
>
> Doing lots of therapy, letting it all out, showing people who i really am and its GOOD.
> I had an "emotion attack" shivering all over my body and singing this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc3Za3jfvJg . It was AWESOME.
>
> No i aint hypomanic, im free.
>
> You hang in there guys there is hope i feel for you. You CAN get there!
>
> Will check back in and tell you more if you want to.. im alone in a foreign country (usa) and im finding to myself hereYes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...
Posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:00:57
In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT » Hunk20, posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 15:39:34
> Yes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...
That's some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Just be careful.
- Scott
Posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 17:28:44
In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT » bulldog2, posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:00:57
> > Yes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...
>
> That's some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Just be careful.
>
>
> - ScottYes I see what you mean. For all those reading my post it is metaphorical only and not meant to imply physical actions of any kind. Inspired by Eastern Religious philosophy.
Posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:41:55
In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT, posted by bulldog2 on May 26, 2010, at 17:28:44
> > > Yes you are connecting to the universal God. Just let go and let yourself fall and fall. You are feeling and becoming God. You are part of everything and all is part of you.You see and feel all that is false and useless and you laugh at it. You are the truth and the truth is in you. Fall..fall......You are eternal and will never die...
> >
> > That's some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Just be careful.
> >
> >
> > - Scott
>
> Yes I see what you mean. For all those reading my post it is metaphorical only and not meant to imply physical actions of any kind. Inspired by Eastern Religious philosophy.Cool.
:-)
- Scott
Posted by Hunk20 on May 27, 2010, at 3:06:54
In reply to Re: NARDIL EPIPHANY GODSENT » bulldog2, posted by SLS on May 26, 2010, at 17:41:55
I felt like a poem... after having enourmous anger about my father having prevented me from ever being myself. The whole family was a fake. I never felt love.
But guys what am i becoming here?? This is mentally healthy?
How many people are really mentally healthy? Who can i even talk to about this.
I came to therapy angry like hell... and left with feeling like a poem.
I felt love and joy the first time in my life. I was myself for the first time of my life.Thats scary stuff^^ anything i need to be caereful with? talking to my family in denial? can i tell them they "have something"??
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