Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2006, at 19:15:28
In reply to Re: Fear Guilt, posted by Joan797 on July 29, 2006, at 20:40:45
> I'm afraid of the unknown of divorce.
> I'm afraid of the hurt that the kids will feel, and feel guilty that I would even consider it.
> I'm afraid of the stalker that my husband will become.
> I'm guilty of infidelity.
> I'm afraid of losing custody of my children.
> I'm afraid of the adults they will become without some of my guidance, athough it's never taken well, and for the most part underminded by my husband.
> I'm afraid of having to deal with the social stigma.
> I'm afraid of hurting my husband even though I am so mad at him right now I'm crying.
> I pity him for his misgivings.
> I pity his inability to grow and become a better person.
> I pity his inability to learn how damaging his words are to me and the children.
> I pity his inability to understand me.
>
> I'm a coward full of pity.
> But a guilty coward.I did it. I left. It hurts like hell. It's horrible. It's lonely. I realized for the first time that he really had been a friend to me, as much as he was my enemy. I cried, I was lonely, I was alone, I was scared, I didn't have enough money to live, really, and I'd lost my children. I remembered how detached I was from them, I realized after leaving, how strong my detachment was. Why I'd kept them from going to school in the first years.
I was so alone, so guilty, so frightened, so "inlove" with my T, so f*cked up, I was unbelievably f*cked, and I really still am, only in a different way now.
Joan, I hope you're listening. I hope you're reading. I hope you're understanding that it was horrible, and if I had the chance to live it over again, I'd probably do the exact same thing I did, only much, much earlier. And I would have taken my kids before they'd been poisoned against me, even though I was the poisoner as well as the poisonee. I mean, I would have taken them when they were younger, I would have kept custody.. I think. I don't know. Because really, there is joint custody but you see that doesn't matter. Who they live with, who they feel sorry for, that is what matters, for a long time. But it does get easier, it just takes an extreme amount of patience and loving.
And I would be easier and gentler on myself and the whole world if I could do it again. Because I'd see the reasons behind why things are the way they are, and what makes us do all the things we do and interact in the ways that we do ... I'd see that there are reasons why I lived my life the way I did, and I don't need to be sad about that because actually, I made my sacrifices too and they were honourable, and I did the best I could with what I had ... and it does get easier. And even though the worst fear was creating that rift between myself and my children (actually just Widening the rift, as I didn't recognize at the time how much it already was there) ... I did it. I made a huge, huge leap into an uncertain future. It was horrible. It was hard. But it made me free.
I have to tell you, that freedom is the loneliest, most frightening thing I've ever had to face. I've made so many mistakes and screw-ups I could write a book. And sometimes the question is just, do I write or do I throw myself off my 4-th floor balcony? WOuld that just damage me, or would it finally just end the whole fuckin' thing? It's a question. The answer comes to me moment to moment, day by day, and I just hope the survivor part of me learns to be strong. Very strong. Because strength is something I have to build on over and over and over again.
poster:susan47
thread:671031
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/672387.html