Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 16:29:39
In reply to Setting Son, posted by Toph on October 23, 2005, at 1:41:13
Yeah trying to get affection from my Dad can be like trying to get blood from a stone too.
Mostly... I'm the embarrasment. The reminder of his unsatisfactory and painful history with my Mother. I'm a reminder because I'm just like her in a way. Emotionally reactive.And then there is my history of mental illness. A source of embarrassment. He used to keep me away from the rest of the family (his side) because of that. And then there was the medication and my weight problem for a while there...
And now...
I get invitations to things... Going out for someones birthday or whatever. And people ask me what I'm up to with my life. And they seem impressed. Academia. Wow. And so now I'm socially acceptable. And you should see the look on my Fathers face when other people seem impressed with me. And then he will have a few too many and come sloshing up to me and ambling on about how proud he is of me and he thought I was going to be a nothing a nobody just in hospital all the time. Or living with crazy people who were going nowhere doing nothing in supported accomodation.
And I just want to cringe and pull away from him.
Judgemental m*therfucker.
Now I'm all of a sudden good enough.And he will go on and on about how he never had the opportunity to go to university etc etc.
But he has no f*cking idea.
And their house...
Is cold.Better now that they have a dog.
That dog gets more love than I ever did.
But thats not a comment on me.
Its a comment on them.
Their maturity.They don't have any more to give.
They never did.
Their hearts are cold
And its all a matter of keeping up appearances...Leave them to it I say.
But as they get older...
Cringe.What am I going to do?
Who knows...
But it is funny that now...
Just now...
Just over the last couple of years...
I sometimes catch them trying to gain my approval.Thats when my Father isn't trying to fit in with being a racist jock with his insecure mates
Or when my Stepmother isn't trying to keep up with the Jones' with her interest in opera and ballet and her expensive crystal collection.
I mean family is one thing...
Having the perfect house
The perfect knick knacks
The perfect clothes
The perfect image
Just can't compareI know where their priorities lie...
But all thats left for me to do is to forgive
And try my damndest not to perpeptuate the cycle...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:570793
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051022/msgs/571468.html