Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2005, at 5:00:08
I feel sad.
Just a sleepy kind of dull ache
But thats about a million times better than
The sharp pains of panic.Been thinking about Dinah and her pictures.
I have a good (imaginary) pic of Dinah with her all coiled around her t's leg. Pictures. I like that.Sometimes when I'm sad I think I feel like I imagine an infant feels like.
When it's not crying exactly, just sort of grizzling. Crying a little I guess. Whimpering. A determined 'things are not okay' but no more than that.My mental pic of me.
I feel trapped there sometimes.
In my infancy.
Childhood.
I don't know.
It is like needs don't get met and so part of you just gets stuck there.
Forever.
Thats what it feels like.
Forever.
I suppose that it is meant to get better one day
(in theory)
But I don't know.
I don't.I'm supposed to have this 'intense fears of abandonment' thing going on.
But I don't feel that way about anyone
Except clinicians.
Does that count?
Or is that an artifact of being in the system.
Hmm.
Do they shape you to fit the mold
So they can feel more comfortable with themselves
With their profession.
WHo knows.
One of my t's said:
'But even if that is what happens. Even if the service creates the behaviours then surely the person would have to have a predisposition or whatever in order to go down that path in the first place'.
Even if certain behaviours are an artifact of involvement in the service I don't think they could be coaxed out of just anyone.
They can evoke a bit here
Repress a bit there
But not change you completely.
Thats just not cost effective...But anyway.
I do.
Thats where the fear of abandonment kicks in.
Probably because it is so much like a parent / child relationship that it brings that out.
Whereas I simply don't get attached to people outside the service in that way.
Not anymore.
It took me three times to learn that lesson.
But it is learned from this point on.
Except with clinicians.Thats why I find it hard to get attached to start with.
Because right from the very beginning I know:
They will leave me.
In a matter of weeks or months.
It is inevitable.
So I don't trust them.Then...
Occasionally...
I learn to trust them.
And get attached.And work starts to be done...
Until the inevitable.
And is this process helping or hurting?
Is it better to work with different people every few months - or nobody at all?
The service has gone with the latter.
And seeing as nobody will committ to working with me for a reasonable period of time then there isn't another option.But even if there was...
Wouldn't that just serve to keep me playing the sick role?
Does it help or does it not help?
Just keep me ruminating?
Does it stop me moving foward?
Getting better?There is a joke - but if you think about it it isn't 'merely' funny. There is more to it than that.
A person saw a psychotherapist for a number of years because he had trouble sleeping becaue he had developed an intense fear of there being some kind of monster under his bed. It didn't get any better after a couple of years of talking about his childhood etc etc - so he decided to go to a behaviourist instead.
After one session with the behaviourist he didn't have problems sleeping anymore. How did the behaviourist do it? He told him to cut the legs off his bed.
Hmm.
I think there is something to be said for that.
I just want to function.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:495447
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/495447.html