Posted by Damos on April 25, 2005, at 18:11:08
In reply to Re: Crap crap crap, posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2005, at 2:04:03
Dearest Alex,
You are so incredibly brave, and I am so immensely proud to be your friend and to know you.
What those men did was wrong, plain and simple. What the counsellor did was wrong plain and simple. The thoughts you express about your father are neither bad nor wrong. They are just painfully honest and completely understandable given what you have been through.
Trading sex for love and security or whatever doesn't work. Trading anything for them doesn't work. They're offered openly and freely or they're not. To make them conditionally available is to make them unavailable if that makes sense. I've learned these things the hard way by trading my heart and soul my very essence only to be left with nothing but an enormous empty void.
What you don't know about me is that for the last 9 years I have shared a house with a woman who MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and am now essentially her de-facto carer. I moved in when she dislocated her elbow in a fall (she had no family nearby or other support) and did pretty much everything. She could still walk okay then just not very far. She needed to move out of her unit because the stairs were too much and she also needed to stop working because her eyesight and things were gettingj worse. So I agreed to buy a villa with her and to pay all the ongoing bills so she could keep her money for when things got bad, since we got on okay and I believed no one could ever love me and this was about all I could ever expect.
She can now barely walk and I now prepare and inject her medication every second day, run her to appointments and the shops and most other stuff. She has also asked me to help her end it when it all gets too much. The sicker she has got the worse her fear of abandonment has become to the point where I will be emailed and/or called a dozen times and day while at work and constantly if I am at the shops or something. She has driven everyone else away, so there's just me. AS the disease has progressed her frustration and anger have grown in equal proportions. So I do not go out, I do not have visitors I do not live. So now I have a house (well half a one) but no home, a relationship but no connection, caring but no love, life but no living. Will I leave? No, probably not, because that's not who I am. Does it kill me a little more every day, absolutely in so many ways. If it wasn't for puppy and all of you I don't know how I'd survive.
Don't ever settle for less than you deserve Alex. You are so amazingly worthy of love and I hope with all my heart that it finds you soon and is all you ever hoped for.
poster:Damos
thread:489108
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/489399.html