Posted by zeugma on January 10, 2005, at 17:37:10
In reply to me me me (trigger), posted by alexandra_k on January 9, 2005, at 22:34:38
> I have to do it for me because there is nobody else. When I crash there is nothing to be done.
> Therapists say 'I think you should go now because I am just making you worse' Crisis services say 'what do you expect us to do?' If I turn up in the hospital either a p-doc will say 'you don't belong here' or they will tell me that I am creating my own distress. Sometimes both at the same time. When I crash there is nothing to be done.I know the feeling. I do whatever I can, and when that doesn't work, I go to sleep or try harder. And trying harder doesn't make me feel better. But it does exhaust me. And that's the problem, in a way. I get told by well-meaning people, "There's nothing wrong with you," or "You shouldn't push yourself," or "It isn't worth it.' but when it's my life that's at stake, which boils down to+ the things I care about, it damn well is worth it, and it's the well-menaing people who don't understand what they are saying who p*ss the sh*t out of me.
>
> I never cried 'wolf'. I never threatened. Though information such as 'if you send me home I will try to kill myself' are often taken as threats. I didn't mean it that way though. I didn't.
>
Who are you threatening? An anonymous intern or something? With your own death? That it will be on their consciences? Should it be? I wonder. But when you say 'you didn't mean it that way,' you meant that that was not your intention. And that means, in turn, that you are not behaving selfishly and they are. Or something like that???> Sometimes I do things for past clinicians. For the 2 who were different. The two who never judged me (that I could tell). The two who seemed to listen and care. Sometimes I even do things for past clinicians who did judge me. Who didn't know what to do with me. They had their moments and sometimes I'll do stuff for them.
I've had 2 therapists that weren't judgmental, quacks, uninterested or just plain inept. Out of maybe a hundred. the ratio does not inspire me. And I have done lots for those who did judge me, because not all faults, blindnesses or judgmental attitudes are equal. The terrible thing is that I become impatient with those not professionally trained, and how can I blame them for not understanding exotic disorders of the nervous system? Or how can I blame people who have never ventured out of sanity into this strange world we have here? But I do, I do.
>
> But the memory fades. Their presence fades.
> I have to do it for me. There is nobody else. And at the times when I can't do it for me anymore I do it for all the f*ckers who do judge me. I will not give them the satisfaction of telling me I am creating my own distress and attention seeking. I will not. And when even that isn't enough... Well, then I am in trouble I guess.Well, if you can't do it for yourself (and it is very often that I have no desire to do it for myself, I am often indifferent to myself) do it for the people who need you more than you need them, because it's a sad world we live in.
By the way, I am writing out a response to your response to my response to your post on Wittgenstein (I feel defeated producing that grammatical string, but maybe I'll feel better tomorrow) and I have to add that I did indeed ride home on the train tonight waiting to be triggered, because I haven't been practicing proper sleep hygiene and I start getting this weird sensation of dreaming while awake (I'm a narcoleptic philosopher, I went into philosophy because of Descartes' Dream Argument and then I started living it. When everything else fails, I live for the ironies. Somehow they wring pleasure out the bitterest of situations. I suppose the pleasure I get out of life is its paradoxes, to wit:
"many people derive aesthetic satsfaction from tragic drama. The interest in the unfolding of a tragic plot is heightened by the emotions, and our attention can be held by both our emotional and our intellectual absorption. And we can even derive comfort from tragedies through imagining people far worse off than we are." Michael Clark, "Paradoxes from A to Z". Hmm, that last sentence sounds off. The comfort doesn't seem to be from the fact that they're worse off than we are, but from some source that appeals to something nobler than our usual selves. From the recognition of ourselves in these characters?)
Anyway, I am feeling weird right now, but I hope these words are some kind of consolation. By the way: when all esle fails, I fall back on this:
Because the known abd the unknown
Touch,One witnesses.-
It is ennobling
If one thinks so.If to know is noble
it is ennobling.
George Oppen, "The Collected Poems of George Oppen""
-z
-z
poster:zeugma
thread:439945
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20041210/msgs/440237.html