Posted by alexandra_k on January 9, 2005, at 22:34:38
I have to do it for me because there is nobody else. When I crash there is nothing to be done.
Therapists say 'I think you should go now because I am just making you worse' Crisis services say 'what do you expect us to do?' If I turn up in the hospital either a p-doc will say 'you don't belong here' or they will tell me that I am creating my own distress. Sometimes both at the same time. When I crash there is nothing to be done.I never cried 'wolf'. I never threatened. Though information such as 'if you send me home I will try to kill myself' are often taken as threats. I didn't mean it that way though. I didn't.
Sometimes I do things for past clinicians. For the 2 who were different. The two who never judged me (that I could tell). The two who seemed to listen and care. Sometimes I even do things for past clinicians who did judge me. Who didn't know what to do with me. They had their moments and sometimes I'll do stuff for them.
But the memory fades. Their presence fades.
I have to do it for me. There is nobody else. And at the times when I can't do it for me anymore I do it for all the f*ckers who do judge me. I will not give them the satisfaction of telling me I am creating my own distress and attention seeking. I will not. And when even that isn't enough... Well, then I am in trouble I guess.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:439945
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20041210/msgs/439945.html