Posted by malthus on August 30, 2004, at 12:06:36
In reply to Re: poem...Contradiction » malthus, posted by Atticus on August 29, 2004, at 16:02:18
Thanks~~I'm relieved you weren't offended. I know exactly what you mean about the whole "If you loved me..." stance. I was in that mode for much of my relationship with Sean. When I started seeing Sean he had ended a bad marriage about 3 years before (I knew him before because he was a fellow attorney in a law firm with my step-father) so he was married then, but nothing ever happened between us. But I could feel a vibe coming from him then. Also his mother had died of cancer 2 years after his marriage ended and that really broke him up.
Anyway, I'll get to my point here, he was so afraid of commitment which I wanted, marriage really, but he just couldn't pull the trigger. He would say he was ready and then change his mind (this happened many times.) And from the beginning I was taking medication (second suicide attempt but before we were involved) and he knew that and wasn't very understanding about it. He is a white-knuckler when it comes to medications even though he gets pretty bad panic attacks.
Even after all the hurt he put me through (two-timing, etc.) it was very hard to bail out of the realtionship. A part off me said "Just continue seeing him even though he can't make a commitment" but that just wasn't possible. Then I really saw that nasty side after the third hospitalization. In a way I don't blame him because perhaps it is scary for a person to know another has made suicide attempts and s/he doesn't want to have to go through that. I only know that I still think about him every day; there are so many reminders from spending 10 years (albeit on and off) with him and there were happy times. I always get really depressed around Christmas because he was like a little child at Christmas, wanting to decorate the tree, listen to and sing carols, watch his extensive collection of Christmas videos, go to Midnight Mass and exchange LOTS of gifts together.
But the wounds from the relationship ending are still so fresh that it astounds me. I KNOW he has moved on and whenever I talk to him (me always calling him) he is so nonchalant. I wrote Non-Axial because there was just never an equilibrium between us.
sad-hearted malthus signing off...
poster:malthus
thread:383532
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040828/msgs/384132.html