Posted by B2chica on August 25, 2004, at 13:54:37
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » B2chica, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 25, 2004, at 12:09:31
Scott,
the ache and desire are so intense. I get some sick sense of ease from someone understanding yet i wish no one did.
i'm sorry if it upset you, yet...your knowing, your sharing somehow eases me. My desire to do this last night was So strong i just sat staring at my pile of drugs, hoping that my 2 months supply of xanax would voluntarily jump into my wretched bloody stomach like a wished penny tossed into a fountain.
i feel like such a constant failure not just to myself but to my husband, and lately especially at work. i can't seem to do even the smallest function either completely or correctly and i used to love my work, now i'm failing it and coworkers.>>"I don't want to accept the responsibility of making a deliberate and conscious "action".
You said this. you outwordly said what i feel inside. the thing is, i'm not depressed. i just know that it's time, i need out-i don't know how but yet i do. i want to yet i don't. for some reason i see you as very strong for saying those words out loud. For me it's like another secret i had to keep, making me feel like Yet again another failure.
Scott, i worry about you. Your crash. What were your T and pdoc reactions when you told them? Please if you can keep posting, even it it's only three or four words a day. Physically it could be dangerous, no?
And i don't want to see you as a hypocrite because that's my view entirely. I deserve suffering, pain even torture, i'll take it in a heartbeat. i sometimes wish i would be physically cut up and ripped to shreds and thrown into a dumpster where this ragged body belongs, to never be claimed. but i never am. Yet i wish no one else would even be slightly bruised.-And Scott. i'll take that hug. In fact i need it really bad, i ache to be held tightly all night. so tonight, in my mind we'll get together i'll get that hug and we will just sit over a couple beers. not talk about this crap or anything, just listen to tunes with our feet up...just be, just be who we are and be accepted. for one night i'd like that.
I need help. I need so many things, and it's happening so fast, there's so much that one day a week with my T is not enough yet that's all i can do. it's all i can do to get it out but still cant deal with it, it never leaves.
i'm sorry Scott.
"not strong enough to be suicidal b2c"
poster:B2chica
thread:382106
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040729/msgs/382190.html