Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 25, 2004, at 12:09:31
In reply to just to sleep., posted by B2chica on August 25, 2004, at 10:42:56
B2,
The pain you convey in your poem was enough to make me leave my desk. I know that feeling. Trust me, I really do. The feeling of hating yourself because you don't want to die, hating yourself because you don't want to live, hating yourself because you can't die, hating yourself because you can't live.
I feel terribly selfish telling you to get help and get better when my last post was all about giving up. I have. I'm done. I'm giving up. I'm not taking any overt measures to make anything happen, because I'm too much of a coward to do anything. I don't want to accept the responsibility of making a deliberate and conscious "action". Which is odd I suppose, I've always been a "can do" sort of person. I haven't given this much thought, and I doubt that I will.
I've called my T and my Pdoc and advised them that they have been dismissed. I'm not taking my meds anymore. I expect the cold turkey crash to start hitting in a few days. That should be a barrel of fun, but really, it can't be any worse than the meds themselves. I've been on a ridiculous roller coaster for the last... 3 years? I'm finished. If this is how things are, then let them be this way.
You, however... well, here's where I become a hypocrite. I don't give a damn about myself but I have empathy for others. Your poem, and the pain in your poem, was frightening. I wish I could give you a hug that took the pain away, or wave a magic wand and make your world better, or SOMEthing... but I know that I cannot. Knowing that doesn't change how I feel, though. I want so much for you to get better. I want everyone on Babble to get better. I don't want anyone to fall to these damned conditions we have. We're all good people. No one here is making this up or wants to be like this. Everyone here wants to live a normal, reasonable, and productive life.
I hope you find your way, B2. I really do
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:382106
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040729/msgs/382148.html