Posted by ClearSkies on September 17, 2005, at 22:53:02
In reply to Hi » ClearSkies, posted by verne on September 17, 2005, at 22:25:43
I still have poor outcomes trying to attend AA meetings. Very bad cravings and deeper depression amd hopelessness, and conflicting advice from sponsors at odds with each other over what's the right thing to say . No friendships formed there though I see the same shaded eyes easing over to look me up and down, Reminds me too much of being the new kid in class at grade school. The kid you didn't actually make friends with unless the teacher intervened and stuck us together, pouting. And it was a friendship based on odd and even numbers. Couldn't have an odd student sitting there and not interacting with another!!
My true strength has been uncovered when I started 2 things: taking Campral to supress my brain's stress and agitation due to alcohol dependence; and attending an intensive outpatient programme where a group of individuals spend an inordinate amount of time together and strategize ways to better deal with our stressors. These tools have allowed my mind to calm down to the point where I'm not actually always thinking about drinking - how long it's been since the last one, where there is a forgotten bottle still hidden in the house, being alone with myself and having to find this state sufficient. Weekend evenings are the worst for me still though.
New medications make my mind race at night. An eye mask, soothing music, and an Ambien have no calming effect, My mind keeps increasing its speed. Projects, letters, recipes, chores, things I have to say to someone, things I am waiting for, Things I mean to do but have no realistic intention of really doing them.
So my crazy head is still there. The reaction of having a drink to slow the head down now longer feels feasible. Just have to wait it out. read the same sentence in a book over and over even though I can't comprehend what I'm reading. Treading water with the written word until some pill kicks in and I feel tiredness cloaking my shoulders.
poster:ClearSkies
thread:550703
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050914/msgs/556185.html