Posted by BarbaraCat on January 29, 2004, at 19:34:56
In reply to Re: Hi from Barbara...Barbara, posted by nmk on December 12, 2003, at 14:26:46
Hi Nicole, Katia, Katy and Friends,
Sorry I haven't written in so long. Many things have happened, one of which was all our computers crashed - all three of them! So I haven't been able to get on to respond. It's pretty indicative of how life has been. All crashing down. This has been one of the hardest times of my life and I was trying to do it while reducing my meds. Why we do this?... I felt I had some deep impacted stuff to deal with and didn't want to dull it with meds, but I forgot that you don't start digging out of a hole without a shovel while the hole keeps getting filled with more shit. And dulling how I feel has never been a problem - just the opposite. Also, the other silly reason is I'm tired of the pudgy chub. We let me tell you, the Stress Diet sure does work. Buying fixing and chewing food is a challenge when you're crazy.Yesterday my husband and I decided that we would work things out and not get divorced after all like we've been struggling with the past month. That with the two of our cats' (at last report it was only the one, now it's two) serious health issues and a load of other things breaking down - cars, computers, dishwashers, cats, marriage, sanity - it's almost ludicrous but very scary and depleting. I know it's silly, but I seriously wonder if my insanity is creating these chaotic happenings. I have been to the most sublime to the most hellish worlds during this and learned alot from both, but I long for 'normal life'.
Sooooo, I cried 'Uncle, dammit' and went back on Nortriptyline and feel much better even after 3 days. I've reduced lithium and Lamictal way down because of my previous stoic determination to dig into the dregs of my madness (and because I question if I'm really bipolar-II and not some form of schizo-affective), so at least those meds are out of my system. I'll see how it goes on Nortrip (it worked well before where none of the SSRI's did) and a smidge of Lam and lots of ativan. I'll also see my pdoc but I don't have much hope he'll come up with anything better. I'll also be doing weekly therapy and this time I will insist they spend the required time and care on me and not be so intent on get her in and out and make her semi-functional.
I'm so sick of these meds and I'm so sick of feeling this bad. It's truly amazing the mayhem a person can create when there's rage (justified), despair and vivid halluncinations of destruction. All of which are justified but I can't tell how much or at what level in that extreme state. Hoo boy, it has been bad, bad, bad, bad. Mad! - mad I tell you! Maaaad! I think the Nortrip will help me to see more clearly and get back on track, set a structure and a plan for my tangled life. I'm also feeling so pissed that all the very intense deep work I've been doing on my 'inner fu**cked up child' and processing were not a bit helpful in the face of such extremity and how a few days on a stinkin' pill pulled me out of the flames. How trite can that be!? Life is still very complex and in mayhem with all the external breakdowns, but at least now I don't feel like 'just one more thing and I will not be able to stand it'. I now feel like yes, I can stand it. Shit. Life should be about much more than just being able to 'stand it' from crises to crises.
Hope you all are doing fine. Please reply. I miss you all very much but was in no place to type a thing and even more, did not want to infect. Love, Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:288885
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031208/msgs/307055.html