Posted by BarbaraCat on December 20, 2003, at 20:14:18
In reply to Re: Hi from Barbara, posted by krazybirdlady on December 12, 2003, at 17:44:21
Hi again my dear friends. Whew! Where would I be without youse guys? I semi-collapsed there for awhile and am starting to reconsider my serious consideration to stay in bed for the rest of my life. About my 'friends', I'm still reeling from that one. Not because of any lingering hurt that they caused me but because unfortunately too many people out there are like that. As I continue to think about that evening, I'm more and more amazed. Can't handle their shadow, as Katia so correctly said, and they can't handle anyone else's. And yes, I have been there plenty for both of them. In fact, I know so much about their lives and they know so little about mine because they never bothered to ask anything about me.
You know, with the isolation and self-doubt that come with mood disorders it's hard to venture out of the house when we feel bad or feel enough energy or mental quickness to communicate or feel safe and trusting with others so that having true friends becomes very difficult. I've put up with alot of very bad treatment from too many people, such as from the former 'friends' (I almost spelled that 'fiends') just because I wanted their friendship. I had funny feelings from the start about the fiends but ignored my gut feelings because I so badly wanted their friendship. You know, hang out, watch a DVD, talk about life, the universe, everything. Just feel the warmth of companionship with people you trust and who'll love and accept you no matter where you're at and vice versa. It gets lonely without it. Even though I've got a great hubby, kitties, some great friends and love my own company, still, I'm so much wanting a sense of community.
Don't you think that all of us are longing for more love in our lives? It feels so good to give it, even more than receive it. And not being able to extend simple plain old friendship between human beings is so sad but these are the times we seem to be living in. I think this situation is a large part of all of our depressions. We're longing so much for love. No wonder I have 9 cats. They give it and receive it - no problem.
My kitty is hanging on. It's so sad to see this little critter going through this suffering but he doesn't seem to want to move on just yet. I'll know when he does.
As far as the lamictal, krazybird, I'm wondering about it myself. I went to up 200mg and I think I felt better on 125. This happened before and it makes me question why it would be that less makes me feel better and would less yet make me feel even better, and if so, why am I taking it? I'd be interested in your thoughts about why you feel so strongly against it.
Nicole, I'd say you're right on about too many meds screwing up your head - not to mention your body. They're lifesavers, but only in the amounts that are required to do the trick and I doubt very much that bucket-loads are necessary. No one knows really how they work or what's going on with this mood stuff and it seems like one thing or another goes out of balance when you start dickering around. I know that even with the hell of the past few weeks I just hung on and prayed - and I mean alot! I'm not quite sure who I pray to anymore because the white-bearded dude in the sky just doesn't do it for me anymore and my spiritual attitudes keep morphing. But someone is surely listening and I'm beginning to feel stronger, more alive, older and wiser. And all without any new or more meds (although I sure was tempted to plead with my pdoc to fix me). And without TOO much alcohol, dear Katia. A time and place for everything. So, I'll keep in touch more and please, you do too. I'm soooooooo glad you all are in my life and my true (blue) friends. Love, Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:288885
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031208/msgs/291999.html