Posted by squids on December 22, 2003, at 16:29:47
In reply to Re: Xanax or Ativan....thoughts please » squids, posted by Lindsay Rae on December 22, 2003, at 13:37:18
Yeah wow! I'm really sorry you went through all that, but thank's for sharing.
I too am college educated and pretty smart. Physics degree from UofMichigan and a well paying job as a computer systems analyst. All my intelligence and education didn't help though. The addiction just kept growing.
I was actually a functioning heroin addict for some 3 years, held a steady job although all my money went to support my habit which was sky high by then. Then I started doing crack too and that's when the bottom fell out. Cause now I wasn't making enough to pay rent and support 2 drug habits. I did the same things like writing bad checks, pawning/selling everything I owned. Getting into trouble. One day my car got towed and the money to get it out of impound was needed for my next fix. And I was already into my dealer for some $2000. So I never got it out and eventually it was auctioned off. And the fucked up thing was I considered all my behavior at the time perfectly sane and normal. I still shudder when I think back to those times. Especially at the end right before I got clean when I was broke and homeless and living in cheap crack hotels.
The funny thing is I come from a good middle-class asian family with every opportunity for education and success in life. I believe the years of depression took a toll on my self-esteem while the untreated ADD prevented me from doing so many things. The statistics are something like 50-60% untreated adult ADDers turn to substance abuse.
Right now, recovery is a long difficult process. I admit I still think about trying opiates now and then, but overall the ritalin/klonopin combination seems to be working pretty well to keep me stable and functioning; and I have no desire to return to that street life.
My self esteem is returning, but still pretty low. I mean when someone professional asks me what I do, what do I tell them? "I'm a drug addict living on state disability"? Not. I usually mumble something about being a contractor who's in between contracts at the moment.
I started taking a computer class recently and that's helped a lot. It's interesting and I feel productive doing it. The ritalin is helping a lot in allowing me to keep my focus.
Lindsay,
Not to pry into your personal affairs, but have you ever been evaluated for ADD. The stuff you mention about self esteem and inability to achive goals rings a bell.Best wishes,
mike
poster:squids
thread:290969
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031208/msgs/292475.html