Posted by Lindsay Rae on December 22, 2003, at 13:37:18
In reply to Re: Xanax or Ativan....thoughts please » Lindsay Rae, posted by squids on December 21, 2003, at 0:55:11
>Wow, Squids, your story sounds a lot like mine, except when I was at that stage of shooting H with Chris (which only lasted two months), he put me in the Methadone outpatient program. He told me not to go above 30 mg or I wouldn't feel the dope, but I went all the way up to 80mg because I truly wanted to stop. I had gotten myself into a ton of trouble already hussling for H, including bad checks, pawning RentaCenter TV's, etc. All of which Chris told me we'd "take care of" when he got his student loan check or my tax return or whatever. I was naive, obviously. Two years ago on Thanksgiving, we let the crack dealer borrow my brand new lease car, which was leased in my Mom's name <shudder>, and the kids ended up ditching the car when they got pulled over, leaving me with a towtruck man to pay, on Thanksgiving day, just to get to my family's house three hours away. Needless to say, we were like four hours late, and my family met Chris for the first time with less than enthusiasm. When he went to jail again in December, that was the end of our run together as junkie lovers. His dad was not going to bail him out of jail this time unless we came to live with him up North. My parents just wanted me to come home, but my devotion to Chris, which was more of an attachment by fear at that point (my old friends and family won't accept me now, I've crossed the line, etc.) made me stick it out and move with him. I had never had a boyfriend who did hard drugs before. I was a totally different person by that time. And still on Methadone. See, I knew that if I detoxed from the Methadone I would get right back into painkillers again because I felt half dead without the opiates. At the time I didn't understand why longterm Methadone patients referred to the treatment as "liquid handcuffs." I guess I've never really been dope sick. I think now that it would be better if I could just take my three Vic's a day and be content, but two years on 'done makes that a near impossibility. I'm educated, and I don't think I'm the worst looking girl on the planet, but the depression or whatever it is, keeps me from being driven to achieve goals. I lack the self esteem to even try. My negative attitude is like a fabric softener clinging to my pant leg.
Lastnight I got the bi-monthly self esteem crusher from Mom, who blurted out things like, "You'll have a life when you're ready," and a vague, "You have problems...you should just go to the Medicaid office, tell them the baby's father died, get Medicaid and see a real Psychiatrist who will bonafiedly diagnose your depression and quit your job and collect SSI for your disability."
The loser-meter hit the ceiling! I pay $155 per week for daycare (it's a learning-based facility that my daughter loves) and only make about $200 a week waiting tables. I graduated in December of '99, and I'm still WAITRESSING. Luckily I woke up this morning with the flu, 102 degree fever, so I don't have to go to my pointless job and feel unproductive. Now I can lay around the house and get better. I know my mom wants me off Methadone, but I don't know if I can function without anything. I wish Bup had been around then! Anyway, sorry to ramble here. My train of thought derailed once again!
Peace,
Lindsay
Thanks for sharing that. Wow, I can really relate. I once got vicodin for a root canal and suddenly I was truely happy for the first time ever. I've had severe depressions all my life and the prozac/zoloft/etc got me out of bed in the morning and let me go to work. But happiness?
> That "exaggerated sense of well being" I got from opiates seemed like the way I was supposed to feel. Somehow I was born with this constant dysphoria. And I could do so much more on those pills- talk to people, work harder, enjoy socializing.
>
> Long story short, the vics went to percodans and finally to intraveneous heroin. After a while the happiness effect stopped working, but by then the physical addiction made it too difficult to quit. After some years of shooting H for nothing except to prevent from getting sick, I realized life really sucked and I had to do something about this problem.
>
> Luckily Buprenorphine received FDA approval this year and I was able to detox off the heroin (1 gram of black tar a day for 5 years) in 7 days
> "relatively painlessly" - all things considered. I had to do it in an inpatient unit. Got Buprenex (liquid form) under the tounge every 3 hours in constantly decreasing doses along with phenobarbital and some med for stomach cramps.
>
> When I say painless, I really mean it. I'm so grateful for buprenorphine. It was like having a mild flu. The buprenex was pretty sedating, so I slept a lot. But it wasn't that fucked up anxious opiate withdrawal sleep. After they stopped the Bupenex, I had serious insomnia - but the other physical discomforts from opiate withdrawal weren't present anymore.
>
> So now I'm clean and I admit I do think about the feeling I used to get from H occasionally. And it is tempting sometimes. But I remember how bad things got as an addict and I have absolutely no desire to return to that lifestyle. If remembering what it was like out there is what I need to stay clean, then so be it.
>
poster:Lindsay Rae
thread:290969
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031208/msgs/292393.html