Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 18:41:08
In reply to yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 23:26:02
I feel bad now. ambivalent. scared.
A dx is a mixed blessing... One of the positive aspects is that psychologically people often feel a sense of ... relief?... that something has been explained. understanding?... that things somehow make sense now. i don't really get those things. i've very aware that a diagnostic category (current ones at least) are little more than short hand abstractions from behavioural symptoms (that you already knew you had - or that are shaped by the provision of dx) with little inter-rater reliability and even when inter-rater reliability is better very little internal consistency and even when internal consistency is better very little external validity. providing a diagnostic category makes symptoms harder (it clarifies or condenses them into expected patterns which might perhaps give clinicians the illusion of clarity but messes up the clients subjective experience)... perhaps...
so the positives don't really do it for me.
negatives... are assumptions or inferences that other people make. clinician's, sure, but also members of the public. for instance... lack of empathy. lack of social skills. Simon Baron-Cohen is not a very popular man outside his academic circle... The TOM deficit model has been incredibly influential, though. I mean, really. For a crap load of work in scientifically oriented philosophical psychology anyway... mental module with a dysfunction - it is meant to be paradigmatic of all going well for Evolutionary Psychology business as usual.
another positive... is some of the benefits.
i feel bad here. squeemish. i feel bad about possibly getting assistance for something that i'm dubious about having. my dubiousness is coming more from my views on anti-dx across the board... but... i feel like there needs to be some authenticity here for me. i... couldn't accept psychotherapy from people who required me to fill in an ACC form that I'd been sexually abused. I... Wasn't prepared to fill in that form. I have had a bunch of experiences... And I know that many others would have few to no qualms describing them as cases of sexual abuse. But I've been influenced a great deal by Ian Hacking's work on "Multiple Personality and the Sciences of Memory" and other works where he talks about the evolving conception of abuse... Child abuse in particular... And about how children seem to be most significantly harmed... When we categorize certain acts as being abuse. This is a hard one for people to understand... I am not really up to explaining it much better right now... Sometimes I will say that I have been sexually abused... But mostly... I don't. A lot of other people got a lot worse... I just... It is sometimes important to me that this not be part of my self concept. And making me commit to that on a form... Seems to me to rule out that option / possibility for me. Insofar as I care (at least sometimes) about consistency.
But then part of that was my unwillingness to work with clinicians who didn't see the above my way. AKA ones whose agenda was for me to identify with the victim. To feel that in their presence / with them. Who is this helping again?
If I take on board this 'autistic spectrum idea' I'm only going to get weirder in my behaviour. Just this year... At that first university... I found myself getting weirder already because I decided that I could be 'weird one'. That I didn't mind that. I was prepared for people to see me as an intentional loner in a university full of extroverts. (Of course there were other introverts too - but they were prepared to play the extrovert game as best they could. I decided... I'd rather not try). Rather not... Cannot... Do I need to committ myself to one of those? I... Don't like to feel broken.
It means that other people will take my complaints more seriously. In the sense that they will be more likely to understand that certain things REALLY F*CK*NG WELL DO AFFECT ME. Whereas before they didn't listen. Things like DON'T TOUCH MY F*CK*NG MILK. Become something that others can understand is important if they can put ti down to my having a mental illness. Perhaps knowing that someone has a mental illness sometimes... Means you have more empathy for the fact that they are different in some respects from you. Perhaps putting it down to mental illness makes it psychologically acceptable insofar as it is clear that it is THEIR problem - that you aren't the defective one for not having that / for not properly empathizing with their sentiment.
I feel... That this is a mixed blessing indeed...
On the one hand... Considerable f*ck*ng relief if I actually can get to live by myself... If other people can understand that the noises etc really do significantly affect me. Render me unable to function in fact. On the other hand... Some stigma... Avoidance... I feel that this is bound to come up in my medical school interview...
But here is the thing: I get told I interview well. Not because I intentionally seek out information as to how I did - but this is feedback that others have voluntarily offered to me. I do get social butterflies / nervousness. I'm able to come across as shy and a little nervous but also quite chatty and friendly (I mean it is a couple hours - it isn't so bad to play the role). It is because it is a role you play... I can teach well, too. I mean, I'm not amazing, but most people aren't. To tell you the honest truth I think I'm an average / mediocre teacher. Most people significantly over-estimate their own abilities. E.g., most people think their driving skills are above average but that can't be true. I think that honestly I'm an average teacher. Maybe a little below average actually (insofar as I'm more of a researcher than a teacher and they tend to give me classes to teach like logic that ain't really my area even though the feeling is that any phil major can teach that). But I'm competent. I've never had any complaints against me. I can do appropriate eye contact for interveiews. For teaching. My eye contact goes out the window when I'm talking with community mental health for sure - it always has done. Becuase they ask very intimate very invasive questions and there is no f*ck*ng privacy in the public health system.
I... I have been thinking a bit... For a while now... About how I seem to have a fairly male brain. How all the girlfriends I've had... Have all had fairly male brains. Physicists. Philosophers. Most of my girlfriends... Joke about how they are autistic and lack social skills... But they alwasy seemed mor esocially embedded than me... With guys... I'm... One of the guys. Sort of. One of the guys around guys who aren't openly disrespectful of women (around me at least). In the gym... They defer to me when I want ot use my f*ck*ng squat rack... I think I'm sort of a cute little mascot or something. They thrive off my energy... All I need is for them to play energizing music... But... I'm not flirty or anything. I like it how... Guys always make me feel safe. Looked out for. I find them reassuring. Comforting. Girls are... Crazy. Hot then cold. Chattery. Nervousness... Skittish... Freaks me out. I try to be more like a guy.
House... Is... Well... I think he is a normal human being to tell you the honest truth. He reminds me a lof of one of my mates... Who ended up getting a score in the top 1% or 2% or something equally insane on the GAMSAT and got a FULLY FUNDED scholarship to do med at some place in Aussie... He wants to be a neurosurgeon. He is funny... You get him ranting about something... Especially to do with something something about some variable he can't plug very well into his model beign important... And he has this vein that bulges rather worryingly on the side of his forehead. He said it worries him, yeah. Everyone in his fathers side... Stroke gets them eventually... But he is a good guy. Autistic? In a sense, sure. But still... More socially embedded than me.
I have trouble staying in touch with people. I miss them sometimes... But I... I hardly ever login to Skype. And when I see my friends there I kind of run out. Even though... I do like them and they are my friends. I don't know why i get scared and avoid them. I'm like that with facebook, too. hundreds of people i've met over the years from uni's all around the world... p osting updates abotu conferences and where they are going to be... so you can arrange to meet up for drinks or whatever so you... so long as you are never far away from a good uni... you are never far away from friends...
i'm a hermit.
i... do get lonely.
i am afraid that people think that if i get this studio then everything will work out magically okay. i'll finish my thesis. i'll get amazing grades. i'll get into med. i'll do well in it...
i'm afraid that things will be harder. that there will be.... always something. e.g., that i'll get the apartment then collapse with lonliness. or that i'll get the apartment and then find that i can't do the math for chemistry etc. that i can't get the grades. or...
i need to put these thoughts out of my head.
in particular: once i move I"VE MOVED REGIONS. ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE HELPING ME NOW... IF I CAN JUST GET THIS ACCOMMODATION AND GET MYSELF MOVED>>> THEN (and only then) CAN I SEE ABOUT GETTING SUPPORTS IN PLACE FOR NEXT YEAR.
I will do the very best I can do. I promise that.
Will I be poster-child for austistic spectrum girl? If I have to be. If i tmeans i get to do less cr*pp*ng about in teams... If it means I get a little less groped in practicals... Alright then.
Only... I think my empathy skills are just fine. In terms of breaking bad news etc. People will have to teach me to give less of a sh*t about patient confidentiality if they want me to fit in etc...
I think... The universe is laughing... People are laughing. There is a stereotype of 'can't function outside the university' and... It is actually true of me. This gives people... Glee. Then people around me look (pretend to me) cross... And say 'autistic spectum' and then people... Their eyes light up .. Oh. You see them go. Its a DISEASE.
YOU CAN'T HELP IT
I think the moral might be:
These people who have this ability to focus and get on with the job (to work independently) they CAN'T crap about in teams getting nothing done quite the way other people can.
conversely (what most people already know to be true)
These people who have this ability to slot in with a bunch of people and have all of them like that person and relax and feel comfortable around them so they can function at their best... CAN'T do anything without being surrounded by a bunch of people.
Different ways of being...
Like how...
I said about how they don't want me living in shared accom because I would be COMPLAINING incessantly about people being noisy and dirty and moving my things about in the fridge.
But how they don't want other people living in studios because they would be COMPLAINING incessantly (or quietly committing suicide) out of lonliness and their not being surrounded by friends.
Different.
Not better or wose.
Except... Society tends to swing in roundabouts...
And There is some kind of a payback (because of the glory days of the way things used to be) where the solo players... Are currently pathologised.
Do i want to be a spokesperson for that?
If it maximises my chances of me getting to be me (and other people letting me be) then okay.
I just... Do have reservations about whether this will in fact bring out the best in me.
_____
It is going to be a journey. I think back to my first year of my degree... I'm about to start ALL OVER. I'm ... Excited. In awe. I'm in f*ck*ng awe that I can do this. I can actually do this. How f*ck*ng lucky am I???????????? If I get to live self contained within walking distance of my 8am classes and 5pm labs... With a gym membership included and I can walk home and shower... I'm in f*ck*ng heaven. They even have Olympic lifting platforms.
This all seems too good to be true.
I am scared. Please come through for me p-doc
(google says he is doing his 'one year working in the public service being supervised to confirm competence') thing. Indian doc - but he was working in England before. English is very good - any issues really are about local accent. And speed... But... He's been here for a month. So... How prepared really is he to support my invalid's benefit application? This is... The holy f*ck*ng grail of benefits. Because... It gives you independence. And they leave you a f*ck*ng lone instead of harrassing you every 5 minutes for evidence of this that and the other thing... If I get this... I will have to be poster f*ck*ng girl indeed.
Sigh.
I feel dirty.
Am I willing to be (potentially) poster child for Autistic Spectrum girl? Just in case... It comes to that... It might... I will need to figure it out / decide. And see how the admissions process goes of course. Here's a point: They can't discriminate against you. There are certain aspects / areas of medicine that certain types do in fact seek out... Pathology... Surgery... There is room. Otherwise... There is non-clinical research, of course. I know I'll be at home there.
I am very afraid that I will turn out to be... Okay, honestly... The worst case is... That I work really very f*ck*ng hard and pull B's.
Actually no, that isn't it. The worst case is that I don't get this studio. and then... i'll never know whether i could have done it or not.
the point to impress on them is...
have you seen an edition of 'jobs for philosophers' these days?
(yes there really is such a f*ck*ng thing)
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN'T FUNCTION OUTSIDE THE UNI
so i need to pick something else...
health
there is always money in health...
science.yes?
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1047868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130914/msgs/1052008.html