Posted by Kath on May 18, 2008, at 15:08:03
In reply to Re: Moving/not-moving - old feelings arise!, posted by Dinah on May 18, 2008, at 12:35:08
> There is nature nearby, and it has a beauty of its own sort. But it's not really the sort of beauty that calls to me to connect to it. I live in New Orleans.
****Oh yes, I remember now, that you live in New Orleans, Dinah.
> we discovered that parts of it were very nice. And there were mountains within a few hours drive.****Oh, mountains would be lovely.**
> There were reasons for the move and reasons against it. We found a home I loved. It was a reach financially but with the relocation package, it would have been doable. But then we discovered it had a lot of costly repairs that needed to be done.***In BIG things, I find it hard to make a decision. To a large extent, I don't do well with changes - H & I plan to move to the country when he retires - 2 years away at minimum, I guess; he hopes he can get some kind of reasonable early retirement package. We have a few areas in mind. Our move would probably be at least 3 hours away from here. Not impossible, but pretty big, nonetheless. The thought of moving from my wonderful doctor, off-&-on short-term therapist (who's GREAT), my Group Therapy, which is great, my friends, my pottery guild, 'how-will-I-move-all-my-perennials-especially-if-we-move-off-season?' - LOL all those things are stressful. I'm just not thinking of them. No point yet, but a part of me knows it'll be big.
It must have been hard when you discovered that the home that you loved had major repairs necessary.> Without a house I absolutely loved to look forward to, the fears of losing everything I'd always known and my therapist and the local restaurants and all the local things I loved all got too much for me. After seeing me in hysteria as we were about to make the final commitment, my husband said we weren't going to go and that was it. No more discussion.
***Yes, I can relate for sure to your hysteria.**
> I do regret it in many ways. Moving would have forced some changes in my life that I really need to make. Plus the area was beautiful. But I also acknowledge that it's better for our son that we stayed where he's happy in school and has friends. We've promised him we'll do our best not to move until he graduates from high school, which is years and years off. And there are things I love about here that I would miss very much if we moved.****If it's any source of reassurance, I think moving is REALLY hard on kids. You know my son's problems. Well, he WAS already having troubles regarding his Dad leaving, but I think moving on TOP of that was really AWFUL. I feel terrible about it. But what can you do? Sometimes life presents us with simply no-best-choice situations. I do hope you give yourself BIG credit regarding keeping your son so much in mind Dinah.**
> Maybe your situation is similar in that? Certainly the situation with your daughter is a loss that would be hard to compensate for. And the distress for your son. But it sounds as if you and your husband have a good life together?
****Yes, we do.***
> He should acknowledge the magnitude of what you gave up, though. Even if he balances it with the magnitude of your blessings (in the form of himself of course).
*****LOL - blessings/himself :-)
I wouldn't even THINK of bringing it up for discussion Dinah. The one time we did go for counselling, it ended up working VERY well & we only went once & that issue was worked out wonderfully. HowEVER - the time before it, was RIDICULOUS. Like living with a big black storm cloud - that's how I felt. Having him say, "Well - if counselling doesn't work out!!!! WHAT THEN!!!!?????????" in what felt like a very intimidating way. I was SO proud of my reaction, "We'll deal with that IF and WHEN it happens!!" Mostly I'm not a MOUSE any more! thank goodness.**I can see where acknowledgment and understanding would go a long way to soothing the anger.
***I believe I'll probably be able to deal with it in Group Therapy. The doctor is great. She often asks the person who's 'doing work' "Is there anyone here in our group who reminds you of ----?" If there is, she asks them if they'd be willing to be ----- & then does a back & forth dialogue, coaching them what to say.
It seems to work very well. OR, she has a wooden stand in the middle of the circle of chairs with books & kleenex on it. She'll point to it & say to the person doing work, "TALK to him....tell him how much he hurt you..." etc & for ex, I 'talked' to my ex & it really seems to work well. NOT to my liking, she had me BE my 'ex' as well!! I did NOT like that, but I think it was importnat. In the end of that work, I was able to view the divorce as NOT 100% my fault & NOT a negative reflection on me, etc!I suspect that the bookstand will end up being my hubby at some point soon (since I'd like to deal with it, as it's come up so strongly!). I suspect I can work it through that way. Along with using the TAT method. I was really surprised that it came up so vehemently.
So funny - here I was telling what a nice time hubby & I had canoing & all of a sudden all he*l breaks loose!! LOL
So Dinah, do you take time yourself to go out into Nature? What are your favourite nature-type places near you?
:-) Kath
poster:Kath
thread:829740
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080428/msgs/829803.html