Posted by Happyflower on February 2, 2008, at 19:53:31
In reply to Re: Learning who your friends are and are not » Happyflower, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 2, 2008, at 17:57:08
> 1) You said that when you were my age (29) you would have believed that there is at least a shred of good in everybody -- what changed since then?
Well for one I grew up, had kids, family life, etc. I stopped believing in the ideals I wish would be and got out into the real world and was faced with reality and had my blinders taken off. It is amazing how one will change, even in 10 years and the choices you make do change.
For you who believes there is good in everybody, would you believe that if somebody raped you and beaten you up within an inch of your life? What if you were a mother, and someone did that to your children, suppose they actually killed them, would you feel the same? I used to believe a lot of things in 20's that I no longer believe. Life changes you and how you view the world, especially after you have kids.
I used to believe that women can go as high as men in our careers. Some can, but I also saw the reality of how some do get there, not all, but some, and it isn't pretty. But I also saw how the world isn't equal, and sometimes you can't do much about it, it is the real world. You can try to fight it, like I always thought I would, but then you realize you might lose your job and be black flagged in your career area. It felt great to be young and believe you can change the world, but you can't change people, people have been doing really bad things forever, and I don't believe it will change.
I don't know if you ever had a full time job professionally, I have, and the idealistic views I had in my 20's came crashing down pretty fast when I started to work for a living, not just a job, but for my future.
Another thing, I used to believe we could stop child labor in remote countries, countries that make most of US goods. We thought everyone would follow our idealistic goals and views. Well you know what, when my husband went to China to have some drums designed for his company, they wouldn't let him take pictures of the factories, you know why? Because the majority of the workers were around age 7-12. What I thought in my 20's about life, was way different now that I am older.
You have been in school for most of your life, longer than most people, and while I think that is very good, education is great, but you also aren't in the actual real world working for a living, you are in a more sheltered and forgiving environment. Being in college is a lot different than working for a living, raising a family, etc. I know it seems like it was very hard, but once you become a mom or start working for a living, you will see how hard the real world really is harder. It is something that most of us have to go through. So to answer your question, I think growing up has a lot to do with why I think differently now.
Now I do think people can change, but they have to want to do it. People like my mom doesn't even believe there is anything wrong with them. As for if my mom did any good, well if you count the manipulative masks of fake goodness she did to get what she wanted, to control others, it may look good on the outside, but I am not sure if that really counts as being good. If it is manipulation and fake, does that count?
> 2) Do you think that your relationship with your mom forms a model for forming all types of friendships, some types of friendships or none at all?
I think as a child, she had much control over everything I did. I lost friends because of our weird household, they weren't allowed to spend the night anymore. As for modeling, nothing she did model was good, and since I do not parent like she did, I would say there is very little influence other than to do the opposite. But I did learn that people can be nasty, and the signs of someone being like my mom, scares the sh*t out of me, and I try to avoid being friends with people like her, so I am more sensitive to characteristics my mom had with being a psychopath, and I do what I can to avoid that in others.There are different levels of friendships of course, but there are some I don't welcome as friends, because they are hurtful and manipulative. There are many people in the world, I choose not to spend time with people that could kill me or abuse me. Now that I am out and about, I have a lot of different kinds of friends on many levels and ages. But they are mutually sharing and caring, not one sided.
But do I choose to hang out with my old tax guy who is known for stalking in the area, who called my house several times a day because he believed I could love him because I really wasn't in love with my DH because he so much older? Someone who is on the website for sexual crimes, is not someone I choose to talk to at the gym when I see him. Why would I put myself at risk? To prove there is good in him somewhere? I don't have time for that or think it is worth my time.
So I guess I could say I don't model my friendship around my relationship with my mom, because first of all there is no relationship with her and second, I saw really bad things she did to so called her friends. And if I see others who behave in that manner, I do try to avoid them. But no, my life is much different than what she modeled. But did she have influence when I was younger, yes. I saw her go from job to job, from friend to friend, move from place to place once she wasn't able to control those she was around. I am glad I am not like that, but then again I am not a psychopath either, so that makes a difference, I couldn't do what she does if I wanted to.
Growing up the way I did, If anything I learned a sensitivity to people, and care a who lot about people that is why many tell me in my real life they think I will make a good T. My T told me this week that I could never be like my mom, because I am sensitive to others, and knows what it feels like to be abused and used, and so I don't do that, couldn't do that. But will I stay away from unsafe people, yes, I have children who want me in their lives. People who know me know I have a huge heart and would do almost anything to help a someone, but not if it put me and my children at risk. There are people out in the world that are very scary, and wouldn't think twice about killing or hurting you, I think it is smart to be careful, and being a parent, even extra careful because you don't want to put your own kids at risk either.
So I say love with your whole heart, but be careful, not everyone is goodhearted.
You tend to take less risks with people when you have something worth being careful for, your children and your family. That is something that it is hard to understand until you are actual living that situation.
I remember you writing about getting beaten up at work, when you are mother someday, I doubt you would take risky jobs like that especially when there are other types of jobs in the same field.
> I figured out that I have a friend in the area. Now I'm gonna go hang out with her for coffee.
>
> (((((((((happyflower))))))))))
>
> thanks for talking about hard stuff.
>
> -Ll
poster:Happyflower
thread:810179
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080130/msgs/810359.html