Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on January 27, 2008, at 20:57:54
In reply to Have you ever heard of Bill Hicks? » becksFLA, posted by Racer on January 27, 2008, at 0:22:33
> I just flashed on this -- he was a comic who wrote a song called "Chicks Dig Jerks," and this discussion reminded me of it. (He really was a funny guy, but died of cancer some years back.)
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> (Becks, until you told your age, I was completely flummoxed for a moment -- I have a handsome, single cousin about your height, and since it's rare to see people quite that tall, I was suddenly poleaxed thinking -- "OH NO!!! Is that Cousin X?")
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> Since I'm very literally old enough to be your mother, I guess it's OK if I sound ancient in what I say about your situation. (And of course it's for both of you -- why would I leave you out, Jay? Never!)
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> Over the years, I've found that the more focused someone is on getting into a relationship, the less likely they are to find a good one. There are exceptions, but in general a better focus is either on making friends or on "dating practice" -- you know, "I want to date a few people, just to have some better practice at doing it. No relationship -- just casual dating." (I met my husband shortly after saying to myself that I wanted to practice casual dating, and focus on other aspects of my life. Basically, I was looking for someone who wanted to be able to go on a date a couple of times a month, do something fun with someone, but not have serious plans. Mr X sure shot that plan to pieces, but he's decorative, so I'll keep him ;-) After all, if I gave him back, I'd have to redo the living room!)
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> Sometimes, if someone is looking for a relationship, they seem to focus on other people as Potential Mates, and not as people, if that makes any sense? That's why looking for friends is often so successful in starting relationships. Also, every friend you make has other friends -- some of whom may be single...
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> As far as the self-consciousness goes, the more you can focus on another person or the topic under discussion, the less you'll be bothered by it. (Easy to say, not always easy to do. Here's something else I've learned: If I try to focus on another person, and am still caught up in self-consciousness, it may be a sign that the other person really isn't very interesting to me...) The "heart on sleeve" part is harder -- there's a fine line between romantic behavior, sometimes, and something that feels more like pushing the relationship too fast. I don't know what to say about that, though, so I'll shut up now...
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> I do wish you both the very best -- we know you're both good guys, and that I'm way too old for you... I hope you both find someone special -- and end up with tons of friends who care about you as you deserve.
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>Hi Racer:
Thanks for the post. :-) No, I haven't heard of Bill Hicks...I'll try and look him up. I don't think you've ever shared your personal thoughts on these things with me, and I thank you. But I do recall you made some very nice comments to me about one of my pics.
So, double bonus thank-you, merci...and yes I know you are married so I won't try anything..lol..;-)
I think you said you are a bit older then I too....and I lately seem to be attracting some attention from an 'older' women on one date website. She is only about 10 years older....and it certainly is for no reason off limits to me, but she lives on the other side of the world..so..lol.Yes, I do understand about your idea of having different reasons and such for dating, and being in those different 'phases'. I guess another of my main problems is I am so terribly self-conscious. That leads to the whole negative-feedback loop of 'I am not worthy'. Heh. Like, I worry about my weight, even though I've dated numerous women who had no problem with the issue, but in the back of my mind is buried some comment a woman did make that was negative, and that stands out the most, of course. But, even with this, I am trying to do something about it. The meds have added to my weight, and now I have gotten into dieting, physical exercise, and am cutting out meds that I don't feel I need. I had one other 'strike' against me....thinning hair since I was young. Now, I actually got some nice comments from a few of my 'ex's', I don't know if they where just feeling sorry for me..lol. But, as these two things progressed, I just didn't seem so "socially" attractive, and like you mentioned your mother would offer you comments, I'd still get these "oh...it must be your weight"..comments from my Mom too. And of course, everybody just thinks I am lazy and that I am a glutton who eats too much.
So, I get in my self-pity moods, and I play songs like my fav from Mudhoney.."Touch Me, I'm Sick"..lots of Cobain and Nirvana. Self-loathing...etc. Now that really charming, eh?..heh. So, if I go to the 'Just for Men' salon, get a hair transplant, and body-sculpting/surgery, I should be just A-O-K, eh?..lol.
Thanks for your sweet encouragement. It really is nice...and yes it does help...no matter how much I whine..;-)
Take care...Jay
poster:Jay_Bravest_Face
thread:808962
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080104/msgs/809257.html