Posted by Racer on November 28, 2006, at 0:54:51
In reply to Re: I'm really upset, posted by Deneb on November 24, 2006, at 23:57:12
You know me, as far as I'm concerned EVERYONE is entitled to my own opinion, right? Anyway, I wanted to say that if you find writing about what you're feeling/thinking helpful, then it's a good thing to do. It is {ahem} a coping skill... Have you thought about writing a journal? Or even putting up a blog? You could write things there that might get you a PBC here. Might be helpful, or not, just a suggestion about another thing that you could try. IN ADDITION TO Babble, NOT in place of. (<<Wanted to get that clear...)
> It hurts when you ignore me.
>Yeah, being ignored is painful. Can you see that there's a difference between someone not answering you, and someone ignoring you? Or that someone might have personal reasons for not responding to you?
Sometimes, when I've felt ignored by someone, or neglected by someone, my first reaction is to think it's about me. Recently, my best college girlfriend, someone I've known for nearly 25 years, asked me for some advice. I answered her honestly, even though I knew it wasn't what she wanted to hear. And then she didn't respond to several emails from me, nor return some telephone calls, and I thought she was upset with me for what I said. In fact, I emailed her telling her that if she was upset, I was sorry, and her friendship still meant a great deal to me. Several weeks later, she finally responded, telling me that she was going through a rough time, and just generally not communicative, but was not upset with me.
So all my emotional reactions to losing her friendship were based on something I made up, not something real. That's why it's important to be able to distinguish one's own issues from someone else's. If I could have stayed inside my own issue -- that it's hard for me to be honest with someone I care about if I think it's not going to be pleasant for them to hear -- I could have avoided some very strong feelings of sadness.
> I want to threaten suicide.
> I want people to know how upset I am.
> I wish I were dead, but not permanently.
> I just want the pain to stop.This is another set of comments I really want to point out to you, though. I'm writing this hoping you'll find what I have to say helpful. Nothing that follows is about being upset with you, or thinking you're a bad person, or thinking you're manipulative or attention seeking. It is only meant as a sort of relay: these are things that I've learned, painfully, in my life. Perhaps by telling you, I can help you avoid learning the same things with the same pain.
How's that for a disclaimer?
First, there's no such thing as "being dead, but not permanently." I know you know that, but it's worth pointing out again. The thing is, I don't think you want to be dead -- I think the last line quoted there is what you really want. You want the pain to end. I want your pain to end, too. It's hard to watch someone in so much pain.
This next is something I've tried to say to you in the past. You don't have to threaten suicide to let people know you're upset. You can say, "I'm very upset right now," and most people here understand that that is NOT a meaningless statement. Most of us have been very upset ourselves, we know how painful it is, and we respect others who are experiencing that sort of pain. You do not have to up the ante by threatening suicide.
In fact, I think it might be good for you to have the experience of saying, "I'm very upset right now" and getting a response. Having a healthy experience like that, having someone else hear you without having to escalate, might help you feel a little better about your ability to interact with others positively. I don't think your parents have given you a whole lot of that, from what you've said.
Finally, you wrote this:
>People don't like who I am.
>People want me to change.
>I don't want to change who I am.I haven't heard anyone say that they don't like you. I haven't heard anyone say they think you should change who you are. That's not what therapy is about, at all, and that's not why people have suggested it to you. You don't have to change who you are.
I'm in therapy, and I am not planning to change who I am. Not unless I can be Jodie Foster, that is...
I do, however, hope that through therapy I can learn healthier coping skills than those I have. I hope I can learn to stand up for myself, not let other people's reactions dictate my choices, not get paralyzed by my fears. Those are things that will help me avoid a lot of the pain that I feel. I won't be as upset, because I will have more adaptive ways to cope. That is what I hope to get out of therapy. (That, and the free Kleenex...)
No one is suggesting that you need to change who you are, Deneb. People are suggesting that you might feel less pain, if you learned some new skills. It's kinda like taking a class to learn a new computer program -- it's about learning skills. That's all. The change you would make in therapy is to become a Deneb who knows more ways to cope with unpleasantness, and that's not a bad thing, is it?
poster:Racer
thread:706946
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061123/msgs/708091.html