Posted by Racer on October 10, 2006, at 15:12:28
In reply to Re: How about a mental exercise? » Rjlockhart, posted by laima on October 10, 2006, at 10:58:22
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> In a way that may be hard to believe, it sounds like your mom really does care for you and is doing all she can for you in a way she thinks is best for you. Actually, seems like she REALLY cares a lot. You and many of us here disagree with her methods-but it's not like she threw you out on the street at age 16 to fend for yourself.
>I don't know why, but that paragraph reminded me of something different: a manager at my husband's job. They had a lot of conflict around a couple of areas -- mostly my husband's working hours.
My husband is one of those who goes into work late -- and then stays late, works from home in the evenings and on weekends, etc. This manager insisted that my husband get to work by a specific time. The harder this manager pushed for my husband to get to work at this arbitrary time, the more my husband balked, resisted, got sulky, etc. I'm not sure it affected his job performance, which was always excellent, but it sure affected his attitude about this manager. There was a definite adversarial stance involved by the end of this period.
The next manager in the department, though, never said a word about what time my husband showed up. Things went back to normal: relaxed, good attitude, etc. And the stellar output continued.
It's similar in horse training. Horses outweigh humans, on average. (That sounds so obvious, doesn't it? But the first thing I always told beginning students was, "First rule of horses: they're bigger than we are." For some reason, people seem to forget that...) There's really no way to manhandle a horse into doing anything. Training has to be done in a way that you don't get into a battle you're bound to lose -- losing is a Very Bad Thing, with horses. In a lot of situations with horses, the minute you hit that resistance, you change what you're doing. It's not giving in, it's redirecting energies.
Here's an example: you've heard the expression "taking the bit between the teeth?" Sometimes if you pull back on the reins, a horse will pull against you -- and you get into a tug of war, which the horse is bound to win. (If you don't understand why, see above. A horse's head and neck weigh about as much as a human's entire body -- the average horse can pull the average human out of the saddle with the reins.) So, when the horse starts to pull on your hands, you have to drop the pressure on the reins -- then he has nothing to pull on. At that point, you've basically already won.
All of this relates to Matt's situation in that I think Matt and his mother are in a sort of psychological tug of war. One of them has to let go in order to end it.
Right now, Matt, I think there's very little chance of your mother being the one to let go. Laima's advice -- to stop engaging in the conflict -- is excellent. Stop trying to pull on the reins when your mother takes the bit in her teeth. Redirect your energies, and she will relax some of her pressure, too, since she has nothing to pull against.
Hope that helps. (Hope it makes any sense at all -- I can get a little too technical at times talking about horses...)
poster:Racer
thread:691924
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061005/msgs/693595.html