Posted by snapper on June 24, 2006, at 3:39:40
..........sorry for a possible downer for you all. More often than I would like ....I will drink ! Then after I drink....... I will realize that in life... I feel very alone and VERY hopeless to ever have a wife a family or a half way normal life. I do not always drink and I do not always feel this way but needed to tell someone...that after the "good vibrations" of the beer or wine and temporary euphoria leaves me and it is late at night and I pop an Ambien-CR and hope for sleep and sometimes sadly sometimes less, that I realize how sad and lonely and fu**ing lonely I am , and less than worthy this mood and anxiety sh*t makes me feel I find a little thing to go to bed. My self esteem has absolutely been DESTROYED!. I am on disability for this mental crap. I am not crying foul. I know many of you may be in this same position, or worse, I am sorry. I hurt so badly that sometimes I hope to not wake up! I have enough meds here to do the worst thing possible. I guess thankfully that something each time I reach this level of despondency that I get complacent and realize that it is not the way out and I go to bed. Then...I wake to yet another day of misery and hope that the day will be different. Sometimes it is and sometimes it is'nt. I am sorry for rambling but I appreciate if anyone reads this and has anything to say. I have been on all the meds...had the therapy....the ECT...... at times I really feel that this is my destiny. The rumination of my thoughts and dreams at times is horrible. Prayer is abound and abundant. Therapies are and have been in place. The hospital is a joke. I have not had my company or a serious life affirming vocation or job in roughly 8 years. I don't know what else to do. I truly get sick and tired of waking up! Cheers!!
My tears are deep this early morning
Thanks for reading and Listening
Snapper
poster:snapper
thread:660864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060618/msgs/660864.html