Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 11:56:11
In reply to Re: Deneb, posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 9:34:13
> I still think that you like to test your own limitations more than you like the idea of death.
I don't know what I want. I must admit that I probably don't have as much insight as it seems. All the insightful things I've written about myself either come from my p-doc or from things I've read on-line about BPD. I can't take credit for any of it. I just repeat what they say. I don't know if I really understand it.
I do know that I don't want to do bad things to myself when I'm happy and hopeful.
> My perceptions of your posts are always that you want to test the system, test yourself, fly in the face of danger, et cetera.
I think I want to do those things as part of the fantasy world I live in. In reality I'm quite the wimp.
> Sounds, to me, like you are an adrenaline junkie, sweetie! It is an enormous "high" to think about how daring you could be.
I do get a "high" from *imagining* those things. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do them in real life.
> Rather than spending your money on pills for a "cocktail", why don't you sign on to an adventure vacation instead? You know, kayacking on a white-water river, hang-gliding, bungee-jumping, schooner sailing, stuff like that?Sounds really fun...but it could never happen for me. I'm too unmotivated to do anything much.
When I first got really suicidal back in highschool, the guidance counsellor broke confidence and told my parents. I then took a trip with my older cousins to Toronto...I think they thought it would help me. I was really messed up then...I was really really happy sometimes, really happy and suicidal at the same time, sad and suicidal, angry and suicidal etc. I went to Toronto in good spirits, but I think it was too much stress. My cousins introduced me to wine. I tried to climb the suicide barrier at the CN Tower. I cut myself, I almost took an overdose of Ativan (my mom's). I was messed up and homesick.
I think it is a good thing that I cannot make it to the Babble Party this year...I'm still to messed up right now and I don't want to make a fool of myself.
> I think it would help you get the adrenaline "high" you seek as well as the adventuresome side of you being assauged.
I don't know. It might be too much stress for me to experience an "adventure" right now. Then again, who knows who the heck I am anymore? You could be right. I don't know.
Thank-you sunny10
Deneb (u's 2b Shy_Girl ...aka TriggerGirl :-( )
poster:Deneb
thread:503343
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050525/msgs/503661.html