Posted by Barbaracat on September 19, 2004, at 15:58:32
In reply to Re: Life in general -- Katy, posted by fluffy on September 19, 2004, at 14:30:40
> Yeah--this guy is a keeper. We've been out a couple of times (and had a lot of fun) since I talked to you last. He's asked me how I feel, but he's not smothering. I feel a lot less pressure now around him. I don't feel like I'm hiding all of this stuff from him--and I'm not performing.
**It's amazing how having some good old honest fun with caring people can be so healing. For me, part of the pain when I'm really having a bad time is that I can't be around anyone. I just feel to sensitive and out of phase with everything. The isolation gets so lonely. So, when things click while you're in the midst of a low time, it can be magic.
>>But I didn't tell him everything--the things that only really i can feel, and that only I should probably know about and keep tabs on. For example, suicidal thoughts are really not the types of thoughts that I want to share with most anyone, including the doctors. So I just let them run their course in my head.
**Good idea. I totally agree with learning to keep one's counsel, which is what my last few posts were stressing. There are some things that are just too out there and alarming for others to deal with. And they come back to haunt you, like sharing the suicidal thoughts with doctors, which may really be just a passing blip. But then they're on gaurd and you're looked at and thought of a little differently afterwards. You wish you had just kept it to yourself cause there's nothing anyone can do about your own little hell anyway. That's where some private means of expression is so important cause you don't want those thought and feelings fermenting inside either. I choose writing in my journal during those nasty times. Even when I can barely tie my shoelaces, I can always pour out my scary feelings into my journal and get no weird alarmed looks or criticism back at me.
>
>>Really--are we EVER out of the woods? Just sometimes we get lost and tangled in them, and then when you think you can't chew your way out, its grip loosens. (ahhh) OR--someone helps loosen the grips for you...even nicer and rarer.**Well put, it is like a choking tangled vine. I take heart in the lives and words of the Masters who have lived among us. People who have somehow found a way to transcend the false self and can see through the illusion we're so caught up in. It also seems that every single one of them went through intense darkness, depression, doubt but then emerged from the dark wood and never allowed it to grab hold again. Yes, I think there is a way to live beyond the insanity and I hope I can find it.
>
> not get too preoccupied with med changes and what other people think (which is what consumes me when I get depressed).**It's a universal thing.
> >
> Let me ask you a strange question--what do you think my jaw clenching is all about? I personally think it is connected with dopamine.**Dopamine was my hit too. But too much serotonin can do the same thing. I recently had had it with my jaw tension which sometimes took the form of tongue tension/sucking and went to an ear/nose doctor. He said it's a common symptom of LERD, which is like GERD whereby stomach acid refluxes and causes the whole esophageal channel to spasm. I was on a med that stopped this and it did seem to break the tension loop to the point that I could stop the med. I think the LERD might be a contributing factor, but I think it's a stress symptom for me. For you, since you've been on definite dopamine meds, there might be a dopamine/serotonin glitch, especially since it corresponds with your med history. I'd love to find a therapist that deals with this kind of thing since jaw/tongue spasms and tension can affect the whole body.
In the meantime, I give myself deep massages in the jaw area, open real wide and stretch my mouth and jaw muscles. We hold so much tension there. I haven't found a good way to release the tongue tension yet, however, and that's where I hold most of it.
>
> Anyway..I thank you again for all of your advice and support.
>
> Sure thing, Katy. It's good to talk to you too. - Barbara
poster:Barbaracat
thread:392070
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040914/msgs/392686.html