Posted by octopusprime on September 10, 2004, at 0:10:07
In reply to getting sucked into posting, posted by octopusprime on September 9, 2004, at 23:56:58
instead of the paper diary i'm writing here tonight. maybe somebody else will find this interesting too.
so in real life i play big and tough. i lift couches and refill the water cooler and toss around giant drums like the big boys do. i give everybody the impression that i will kick ass. i have a big and loud and booming voice. i have a big smile and an even bigger laugh. i am tall. i am a rare woman in a male-dominated field. and i run with the boys. i'm almost a cartoon, a little larger than life when i describe it like this.
but when i write the other confessional posts, i feel small. that's why i can't confess. it will make me small. and it feeds into an abandonment fear - nobody will like me if i'm not big and strong and brash and funny. but we can't be big and strong all the time, can we?
see usually when i feel small i hide. i call in sick to work. i'm just sick of acting big. i stay home and listen to my cds all day and listen to my heart race and sing songs until i feel like i can go out again another day.
i wish i could learn to be big and small at the same time.
poster:octopusprime
thread:389015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040907/msgs/389029.html