Posted by JenStar on August 31, 2004, at 11:57:08
In reply to Re: The real world vs. the uncivilised world » JenStar, posted by gardenergirl on August 31, 2004, at 11:15:12
hi gg,
thanks for sharing your thoughts & experiences, esp. about the guy confronting you in class. That DOES sound scary, but it sounds like you handled it very well.I don't want to give the impression that I'm a hothead who likes to fight everyone IRL -- I'm not! I actually have stories similar to yours, although mine are from my management days, where I had to deal with very verbally aggressive (and sometimes physically threatening body language) people in front of big groups. I used the same tactics you spoke of and the ones we're supposed to use here (I statements, firm but non-aggressive non-personalized talk, remaining calm but in control, refusing to fight, etc.) It always works and it gives me a good feeling to diffuse a problem. In fact (although it might not come thru here!) I have a reputation for being cool and collected under pressure, and for being a good people person...
I think you're right about modelling effective behavior - hopefully that will help people see the right way to behave.
I guess the part where I disagree, though, is with the philosophy that everyone is worthy of being treated nicely or modelled to. Sometimes people ARE just out to cause trouble for trouble's sake. Sometimes a slap on the wrist is more effective than role-modelling to them, at least at first. Some people are just out to push buttons, push limits, and bully others, and a sharp reprimand followed by role-modelling seems to work best.
I guess I sometimes feel that when we say to a poster, "you seem to feel a lot of anger. What's bothering you?" instead of "cut this behavior out, it's completely inappropriate" it tells them that it's OK to behave that way and that it's OK to use verbally abusive language. In a sense, they've "won" a battle.
If people ARE asking for help, or needing help, there are still some norms that must be followed in order to get it. If EVERY behavior is excused because someone needs help or doesn't know how to relate, why should the rest of us bother with the rules? Maybe I just have less sympathy for my fellow sufferers...I'll have to think about that!
Anyway, I really do appreciate your calming influence. Whether you're in "T Mode" or not, it's hard to say...wouldn't being a T be part of your core personality? You went into therapy because you had a gift for talking and understanding people, so it makes sense that it would come out during difficult situations. I appreciate reading your responses, so please don't stop giving your insights!
thanks.
JenStar> Well, I guess in part you could say I was practicing "I" statements. I think there is often some value in expressing directly how you feel about a post within civility guidelines. For example, I asked ron1963 to refrain from using profanity in posts to me. I noticed he stopped cursing (at least in posts to me, but I think in general) when I expressed my offense at it. Perhaps hearing it from an "injured party" as a former supervisor used to say makes it more meaningful than just following rules. It certainly makes it more personal.
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> In addition, I think responding with calm and staying focused on the behavior can help diffuse anger. I remember a time once when I was teaching, and a very intimidating man was "in my face" right in front of the rest of the class about a failing grade that I gave him. It was quite nerve-wracking, but I used what I had learned in school about sticking to the facts and behavior without personalizing the exchange to diffuse him. (Boy were my knees knocking on the inside, though!)
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> I also am curious about how threads like that can evolve. What are the emotions and needs behind it? Just what goal or motivation does the poster have? I suppose I go into T mode a bit, which maybe isn't fair to the poster without prior warning. My husband would say I'm using my "therapy voice" at times like that. But I think that the only way I can learn this is to ask directly. And to do so with any hope of getting an answer (just like in therapy) requires phrasing the questions from an empathic stance. Perhaps that comes across as coddling or something similar. I suppose I prefer to think of it as modelling a more effective behavior (at least I hope more effective).
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> Although I had a moment of slippage in there, too. So I guess I still need to work on it! :)
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> Does this make sense? Or am I just babbling on my own planet?
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> gg
poster:JenStar
thread:384648
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/384729.html