Posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 11:38:47
In reply to Re: Job interview, posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 9:30:03
I know I've been posting over and over even if no one responds, but I find it helps me to get it out in a way different from journaling. So I hope yall don't mind, and of course, responses are welcome anytime.
Anyway, I've been remaining friendly to S, and she's pratically ignoring me. There was a time last week when we were actually both being friendly at the same time, and it was better than any of the alternatives. I wish I could get that back.
Now the weird thing is, a couple of weeks ago, S told me about this get together after work. Now I was still angry with her at this point, and I just assumed *she* wasn't going but someone had asked her to tell me about it. Turns out she did go! So now I feel like maybe she was trying to reach out, and I wasn't too friendly in return (I mostly just kind of murmered, "Okay", and that was it.)
The thing is, I know we'll never be the friends we were, or at least the friends I thought we were, but I would like to remain on friendly terms and just chalk all this up to a clash in personalities. I wouldn't be forgetting the lesson I learned, and would not expect us ever to be very close again. But this ignoring business is just hard to take. Plus, recently I've felt she is seeking out our friends to hang out with while intentionally alienating me (this is why my T said she's trying to compete with me in my personal life as well as my work life). What I'd like is for us to be able to hang out casually with a group. I especially want this resolved at least to this extent if I get another job and leave here.
I have been so back and forth with my emotions, I don't know what to think anymore. First I'm angry, then I'm distraught, then angry again, the sad. I talked with my T about my anger, and how I feel I don't know how to *not* bottle it up. Growing up I could never express my anger for fear of abuse. So now I think I keep it in and then I explode into this uncontrolable crying and unbearable pain. I *really* feel like I'm losing my mind in these periods. These are the only times that I contemplate suicide anymore. But I eventually get past this freak out mode, although to me it seems never ending.I have a feeling its because my obsessiveness won't let me let it go and think about something else. My T said to exercise when I feel like this. But when this comes on, I'm feeling less like exercising then any other time in my life. I just wish I could control myself and my emotions better.
poster:TexasChic
thread:375579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040811/msgs/379453.html