Posted by Racer on June 10, 2004, at 15:40:43
In reply to Racer and Antigua....any better?, posted by tootercat on June 10, 2004, at 15:10:19
I can't tell anyone what caused it, but the really intense anguish seems to be passing. It's so damnably hard to tell how much might be related to the bad med reaction with the long half-life, how much is an emotional reaction to the bad med reaction, how much is emotional turmoil about making life-altering decisions about the insurance, how much is just emotional response to my life, etc. Then again, maybe it just doesn't matter what causes those troughs, right? It's bad enough that I have them, trying to figure out the relative importance of the biochemical and the psychological shouldn't become a stressor in its own right.
It helps that, for some reason, I'm not feeling as leaden as I was. That part may have been the med reaction, because it did start the second day after discontinuing it. Of course, it could also have been an emotional reaction to the pdoc's message as relayed through the office staff. Whatever it was, the leaden feeling was terrible. I literally could not start talking without a huge effort, it felt as if I was already dead. (That, by the way, was still an improvement over how I felt while taking the drug, just to give you some perspective.) I could still type, though.
Yesterday we had a marriage counseling session, which my husband (a/k/a The Second Most Wonderful Man In The World) moved up because I was talking suicide again. (At least I told him this time, and he heard me this time.) When we got there, I could not say a word, but once I started talking, it did flow along better. That helped, that they were patient with me while I couldn't talk, and let me find my way to being able to string the words together. It was slow, but it did happen.
Today was my first session with the new therapist, and there were a few of those 'not able to talk' moments, but we got through them. And I did warn her that that had been a problem, but seemed to be better today.
In other words, I have externally verifiable proof that I'm better today than I was yesterday, and much better than the day before. (It may have helped that the MC told my husband, when he called to ask if he should force me to the psych. ER, that she didn't think so: she told him that I did seem able to rally myself enough to stay safe, and that I had told him that I was actively suicidal so that he could keep me safe. It was comforting to me that she expressed what seems like faith that I can be trusted in this. Maybe that's the answer to why I'm feeling better today?)
Now, considering the length of my average post, doesn't it shake the foundations of the universe as you know it to learn that I could not speak out loud?
(Or maybe that explains the length of my average post right there?)
poster:Racer
thread:355479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040602/msgs/355489.html