Posted by spoc on June 4, 2004, at 17:31:33
In reply to Re: Ambient Abuse - Mel, posted by TexasChic on June 4, 2004, at 11:39:35
Ambient abuse... That would be my background too. But the convoluted thing (and maybe evidence of the most insidious aspect of this) is that I sometimes feel like if it had been more physical, I would at least have less guilt, and therefore be less messed up. Because I'd *know* it wasn't my fault. When friends who had more violence and blatant deeds in their pasts lament a current family situation they don't want to deal with, I think to myself that they should just put themselves first and avoid it, and never have to feel bad or guilty over that.
As if a line could be that neatly drawn, and the logic of a healthy adult applied retroactively. Not at all the way it works, I know, and I can't do it either. But when my guilt over something family-related is annhilating me, I do find myself wishing I had something more concrete to "justify" the self-preserving decisions I sometimes feel so compelled to make. That feels so wrong even just to say. The circle of guilt continues.
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P.S., hi Tex, long time no type! (I've been better at moderation lately). I feel for you about the camping experience, that kind of thing sure is a truly nauseating and lingering nightmare! : (
poster:spoc
thread:353040
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040602/msgs/353855.html