Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 10:35:07
In reply to sweet cloud..., posted by justyourlaugh on May 27, 2004, at 9:45:43
It's hard to believe I can go so quickly from doing OK to doing this badly. My tears are stuck in my throat because I'm too ashamed to let them flow at work. My husband is meeting me for lunch and I already warned him that this is not a good day. Darn, my eyeballs are leaking.
I see my p-doc this afternoon. Guess I'll be crying there too. This, I think, is the real me. A Sad Sack. a Gilligan on my own personal island. Loneliness has to be one of the saddest feelings in this world. Grief does surpass it, but to feel like you can't be happy if you're on your own, well that's downright pitiful. I hate my own company so much that I hide from myself in drink and smoke. I don't want my husband to know how bad this is - not because he can't help, but mostly I don't want him to feel guilty about travelling. This is my problem, not his. He chooses not to socialize while home from work because he's in medical sales; his success is built on the professional friendships he has made and that endure for years and years. He gets home and wants to unwind in front of a baseball game; go for a run; canoodle with me. We haven't met any other couples socially we have clicked with. We go to concerts, art shows, fairs, festivals, and still we are alone.I feel like the little girl I was who moved 500 miles and had no friends at school, only bullies who made fun of how I wrote and talked. I feel like the 21 year-old who moved to a different country when she married and left behind her family. I feel like the 28 year-old who moved overseas and had to adjust to a new culture and being made fun of my accent and vocabulary. I feel like the 34 year old who got deported and was forbidden to contact old friends because of her spouse's angry and violent shame. I feel like the 39 year old who got divorced and lost whatever friends she had left. She also lost the extended family in that divorce, too. I feel like the bride whose "friends" couldn't be bothered to acknowledge her second marriage.
I would prefer that this particular layer of my personality onion would just finish rotting and fall away. It really, really hurts.
Thanks for your reply, jyl
At least I can count on Babble for friendship (but then, you've never met me :/)
poster:partlycloudy
thread:351036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040525/msgs/351081.html