Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 7:43:42
When I sent out invitations to our wedding, I chose very carefully. I only had a handful of friends who were “mine” and independent of the first marriage. None of the women I invited replied, much less came to the wedding. One sent a gift, which was not the point at all. This really was the start of my persistent isolation. Jobs change, friends get left behind. Good intentions are not enough. I resented being the one to reach out all the time, so eventually I stopped. When I am in a social situation and I’m speaking to someone out of politeness, but I’m not really intrigued by that person, I now get panic attacks at the thought of consciously not trying to make a friend.
But if I can’t relate to the person – those who only talk about their children, those much older who consider me of “the younger generation”, wealthier (I mean snobby people, really), those who can only talk about their business and don't inquire about yours – then I close down. There are so many casual acquaintances out there; people with whom you are friendly but not friends. I tried to have an open house at home last month, having invited the women I met at the community barbeque. (We live in a condominium of townhomes.) One woman showed up. We soaked our feet and talked for hours, but she’s my mom’s age, retired, and not someone I would hang around with. She thought it was horrible that of the 20 or so invitations I PERSONALLY HANDED OUT she was the only person to show up. I blamed myself at the time for not asking for RSVPs, but really, if someone who was your neighbour invited you to walk down the street for an informal party, and you said that you would, but then on the day you just didn’t bother showing up, what kind of person would that make you? What kind of loser does that make me, that I make such a conscious effort to physically reach out to the women who live close by and then be so totally snubbed? I poo-poo’d the hurt and shame at the time, but this little exercise in futility is haunting me now. I can’t cry anymore, thanks to my medications, but my heart is an open wound.
I feel like I keep trying and trying like the little engine that could. That’s why when my husband is away on business, I drink by myself. I don’t have a social life beyond the Psycho Babble community. The only friend I have made here has more addiction issues than I do, plus she’s very involved in office politics and getting people to work against each other for her gain. So I keep my distance. She basically gets in touch with me when she needs something. I recognize that this isn’t a healthy friendship, but it’s all I have.
I needed to get this off my chest as I am hurting so very badly. You can only put up with so much rejection before you admit that you are someone that no one wants to spend time with.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:351036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040525/msgs/351036.html