Posted by spoc on May 17, 2004, at 21:40:04
In reply to Re: I feel down today. Spoc, posted by TexasChic on May 17, 2004, at 16:01:37
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I really do know what you mean about feeling hurt over these apparent "signals," even though for quite awhile now I'm the one who's done kind of a blanket disappearing act (due to my intermittent depression or whatever else I have). I have wreaked a lot of damage that way, so it's ironic I should be talking at all! But I do so from the perspective of what it was like at times when I did still want to be involved in things. I'm just tossing out random thoughts, so sorry if I have it all wrong! :- )
Is it possible that this girl would be better to have as a "(friendly) acquaintance" than a close friend? You've known her a long time now so obviously it's not that simple anymore, but instead of feeling so bad about yourself, maybe you could consider it to have been, from the start, one of those ill-fated combinations we were talking about... Not a rejection, but different enough expectations/availablity (including emotional) to where it never could have come together seamlessly for you both...?
I'm more comfortable considering some relationships to be more like special acquaintances. When they haven't *naturally* ended up fitting the bill of close/time-intensive friendships ("naturally" being the key word), but there is still something good there. It could be only that we somehow haven't had the chance to get to know each better, but it could also level out there due to something like you describe (identified sooner, ideally!). I know I'm not demanding, so if that kind of thing happens more frequently than I care to roll with, they end up in the friendly acquaintance category.
I need to feel that motivations are roughly equal from the start, or I *can't* keep trying, even if letting go or readjusting my expectations would be difficult. I'm the same way about guys. It doesn't even feel like strength to be that way -- I can't be otherwise because I know dealing with it will actually feel worse, and there's bound to be some attitude. I didn't used to be able to do this, but it's served me well and has been a positive thing. I get a feel for what the pattern will be like with a person (or the way it's headed, if a situation like yours), and if it doesn't match, I downshift as subtley as possible and put the ball more or less in their court. If it looks like we might just proceed to completely drift apart after that, it *is* something I want to know, even if painful, so I can start "divesting" my feelings and expectations. I know that for me, that will hurt less in the long run!
I know that's not what you want, and I think you also said you don't want to give up that source of things to do... But whatever the reason, boyfriend, inconsideration, whatever; she doesn't sound like she's going to change. And as unhappy as you've felt about this at times, I'm guessing she has some clue how you feel, yet it still keeps happening. I obviously couldn't know what is really going on, but I think there are a fair number of people out there who by nature react the way she seems to be, when they can tell someone is feeling things like this... Almost like a friendship version of commitment phobia, where showing that you want more often gets you less, continuing in cycles... Does that make any sense? (In those situations, I think pulling back and seeing what happens can also enable you to kind of start over after awhile and maybe work out better, thanks to the break from tension/pressure caused by any "unequal investment" in the relationship...)
I can't really see where it would *often* be logical to exclude a friend from invitations, when you know they'd enjoy going. But you say she does know, and she does do it at times other than when her boyfriend is involved? If it's really like that it's hard to see how it could be worth it. But the festival scenario you described seems so blatant, are you sure there isn't some communication problem? Now, the boyfriend stuff, that's another story of course. We all know that as upsetting and unnecessary as it may seem, there's little anyone can do to change how people are going to handle their romantic relationships. So if her unavailabilty is mostly about him, that's too bad, but probably not personal. And if it's about the tensions you've had with him... Is this important enough to you to start acting as if you like him?? If so, it would of course be nice if it seemed important to your friend too.
All in all, even if you haven't met other new friends yet might it still be better for your self esteem to rethink this relationship? Continuing to feel this way probably doesn't help you feel up to, and confident about, trying to meet new people either... In some ways I think going through this in a friendship can feel more dehumanizing than going through it in a romantic relationship. It seems like it isn't "supposed" to happen unless you have important differences and arguments or something; so it may also be harder to accept when it might actually be better to pull back... But sorry again if I have it all backwards!
And so sorry to hear you're feeling possibly even crummier... and that you had to see your treasured car in that condition! How is your injury coming along? Will you at least be able to get another car you like, with the insurance money? I hope things brighten a little soon! :- )
poster:spoc
thread:346799
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/347979.html