Posted by Emme on May 12, 2004, at 12:25:11
In reply to Uh-oh... I think we might have a problem » Emme, posted by Racer on May 12, 2004, at 9:38:58
> Honestly -- your description of your mother sounds so much like mine! Could it be that we are both alternates for a split personality?
Well, one of my college roommates and It think we have the same mother. So welcome to the family!
> Seriously, I went through the blame the parents thing and figured out that no matter who installed the buttons, it was up to me what I wanted on my dashboard. We don't come into thisworld out of a vacuum, so there will be detritus from those around us.
Agreed. Oddly enough, several years back, when I first started therapy I was 100% unwilling to assign *any* responsibility to my mother even though she had piled some hefty emtional baggage on me. Problem was, I was instead blaming myself for every bad encounter, feeling responsible for my mom's happiness even though I couldn't make it happen, and feeling guilty way too easily. My therapist said it wasn't a matter of blame but rather seeing things as they are. I think she was trying to get me to see what things were beyond my control and had nothing to do with me per se. So my goal is to objectively see reality without crossing over into "blame, blame, blame". Dunno if I am succeeding.
I've become increasingly aware that she's an unhealthy person and has probably been so most of her life. She's got fine qualities too and means well and can be very nurturing and can be a lot of fun. She really does try and people outside of the family really like her. But... she's wacky and I'm still working on being "zen" about it.
> My Anthro Prof used to tell stories about how every town meeting in every town hall in every village in Hungary would invariably start with someone standing up to say,
> "In order fully to comprehend all the implications of putting a stop sign at the corner by the church, one must go back to the time of Istvan..."That's cute.
> Are you able to get along with your mother, or does this cause conflicts in your current relationship wiht her? If there's still conflict, that's what I'd worry about. If there's no longer conflict -- except over you feeling unsupported -- then maybe there's not so much to worry about.
What's past is past. And it's be much easier to bury it except...the present ain't so hot. We get along because I choose to let a lot of things slide. On the positive side, she's simmered down some over the years and I don't think she's gonna ever disown me again (she'd retract within hours).
But there are still quick sarcastic digs about my brothers and about me and about other people. There's still the occasional meltdown where she sobs endlessly about her life and rehashes how badly she's been hurt by other family members. My T and I have come up with some strategies for the next time *that* happens.
I can relate to the weight thing. I'm reasonably slim and for the past decade she's been convinced that I have an eating disorder, which I don't. Now I know she's being a protective mother.
For the longest time she thought my niece had a mild form of Down's syndrome and that she wasn't being told about it. Ain't so. She accused someone of driving her mother to suicide - there was no evidence the death was a suicide.
I know she battles her own demons and it can't be fun to live with her level of anxiety. And to be fair, we often do have a nice time together. But, it can be awfully tiring and wreaks havoc with my moods and anxiety levels. I'm still working on detaching myself and letting it roll off me.
> By the way, my mother says those fat things around me, I think, in hopes of finding a way to bring up my weight. She's not trying to hurt me -- I know that to my bones -- but she doesn't know what to do, or how to say it, and she's so afraid that she bumbles around with weird things like "look how fat those people are, and I'm not fat because fat is bad and -- um -- is that all you're going to eat?" She's frightened, she doesn't think she can bear to hear what she might hear if she says anything aloud. Poor Mom, she has twisted herself more than she's twisted me.
That's good that you can step back and think about where she's coming from and not take it too personally. Does that help take some of the sting out?
Thanks for the commiseration.
poster:Emme
thread:345714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040507/msgs/346158.html