Posted by SandyWeb on April 12, 2004, at 11:14:34
In reply to RE:: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by EmmyS on April 12, 2004, at 10:21:36
Hi Emmy,
For one thing, I didn't lie to the porfessionals while in the hospital. I *did* tell them about the sounds in my head....but they just smiled at me....so I didn't mention it again. And the sounds in my head are what are causing the dizziness and loss of balance. And as for talking with them, they got a heck of a lot out of me! I told them things that I haven't told a soul, although it was like "pulling teeth" they said. I'm just a very private person. And they *did* find out what my buttons were, and they pushed them without remorse to get me to cry. That's always fun. Lol.Believe me, they could obviously tell that I wasn't well. But they also knew that I was not the type of person to sit down and talk and talk about things. They needed to find the right way to work with me, and they were doing that.
As for "acting".....I've "acted" all my life. I will NOT show you how I'm feeling. I cover up my tears, my sadness, my insecurities......and I don't think that is something these people would have been able to get me to drop my barriers in just a few days! I've been this way for years....it's my protection.....it's a very real part of who I am, and it's NOT going to just magically disappear and allow me to expose myself to these people in 7 days! I mean, I "act" with my kids....who I love very much....and if I can't allow my kids to know my true soul (and who the heck knows why), then it's going to take a whole lot longer than 7 days for me to drop my masks to strangers.
I never told them "I feel SO much better." I never told them, "I don't feel sad." They never asked about cutting, but the evidence was right in front of their eyes so why even bother asking me, right? I never said, "I don't want to die".....in fact, I told them that I did. I wasn't lieing to them, and it bothers me that you said that to me.
It's just that I improved so much the day after my birthday. And one nurse even said how much better I was because when I first came in I didn't even have any eye contact.
I was MADE to tell my sister about my personal struggle. I would NEVER have done that, and the only reason I did was to GET OUT. Yes, I should have been in there longer. Yes, I should have been on meds. Yes, I'm still not safe. But the only thing that was done to get me out was to reveal my truth to my sister. That was it. I did not lie. One pdoc said that he didn't know if I was putting on a brave face when he admitted me. I *always* put on a brave face. That's just ME.....and there was not any special acting just for the benefit of the professionals. Jeesh. I'm just very, very private.....and I do NOT share much in terms of what makes me tick. I felt safe on this board to open myself up a bit because of the anomymity. Face to face is a COMPLETELY didn't story....and the masks come on.
I was not trying to mislead....I told them what they needed to hear and a little more......but not ALL. I think I'd have to be under "truth syrum" for that to happen (HA!).....because that is just how I protect myself. It is not something that changes overnight.
I was honest with them. I didn't lie to them. I just didn't reveal ALL the truth....only what I was capable of doing. And it was enough....they KNEW I was sick. But they also thought that since meds never worked for me before, that they wouldn't work for me now. And since I'd never had therapy before, let's go that route instead.
And as for the new pdoc appointment on Wednesday, why ask if I will be honest with him?? Of course I will be. But I can assure you that I'm not going to be sitting there talking my mouth off for an hour. Ask me a question, I'll think it through, and I'll give you a short answer that covers what is necessary. I have to protect myself....for whatever reason, who knows. But I don't lie. If there is something I don't WANT to tell, I'll let the person know that I can't answer that (such as who tried to pull my head off). Of course I'll be honest. But being honest doesn't mean exposing every nerve ending I have! And as professionals, they understand that many people take time to get to know.
And as for my sister, you don't understand the dynamics of our relationship. We had been separated for all of our 20's, and now that I'm back here we've missed out on a lot of each other's lives. Regardless, there is a line that we both know not to cross. We BOTH have a line. Maybe most families don't have one. I don't know and I don't care....it's none of my concern. But my sister and I do.....and once you cross the line, there is no going back. She knows more about me now than I feel comfortable with. I do NOT want her too far inside me. And now she knows something rather too personal.....and I have a hard time with that. Yes, of course she's a support system....of course she loves me....of course she wants to help. I'm not an idiot. BUT....the way that I tick, I need to protect myself.....and I reveal only to a certain extent. I don't LIE....I don't COVER UP....I don't PRETEND something isn't happening.....but I will NOT take someone too far down the road until I can handle that. And believe me, I wasn't able to handle that type of disclosure to my sister at that time.
Okay, sorry for this message. It just hurts when I'm misunderstood.....and therein stands another reason why I do not open up very often.....I get misunderstood and that ends up hurting me. And so I've learned to keep my mouth shut about very deep issues to me.
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040406/msgs/335519.html