Posted by SandyWeb on April 9, 2004, at 22:41:26
In reply to Hey, Sandy . . . you still sleeping??, posted by jlynne on April 9, 2004, at 22:05:24
Yes, I'm very tired. I am just on my way to bed now, but decided to check my mail first.
You hit the nail on the head. It is absolutely surreal!! I even said that within my head yesterday. See...we really must be sisters! *smile* I start to wonder if I'm still on the unit and only having thoughts of being back home. It is the oddest thing.
I still can't sleep very well, but my bed is so much more comfy than the hospital bed! And my pillow is SOFT. And it's dark when I turn out the light. And noone invades my privacy. I think the travel agency must have mixed up my reservation because I'm sure I asked for Club Med!! Lol!
Yes, I don't feel much like talking about myself. They said it was like pulling teeth to get anything out of me.....but they ended up getting enough and that made me feel like I had lost a tremendous amount of power. I felt so trapped, and I just kept asking to go home. Sheesh, they wouldn't even let me off the unit to walk around the hospital. I felt like a 7-year old who is being punished and sent to their room.
All that being said, I am glad that I was there. They kept me safe, ensuring that I made it past my birthday. I didn't like that loss of control, and it made me very aggitated. But I actually found something that would do the trick very nicely, and that made me feel like I had gotten some of my "self" back. I would touch it from time to time, knowing that it was there if I wanted it. Maybe if I had had a little more privacy, I may have used it. I was working so hard on my birthday, trying to keep my head above water. The day had arrived, and I was putting a great deal of effort into making it to midnight. So I appreciate the invasiveness of the nurses, both male and female.
When I saw the pdoc on the 8th, I said everything I had to say in order to be discharged. My sister was there for the interview, and I had to cross a line with her that I didn't want to and I'm still very unsettled about. I was made to tell her more information than I ever would have. So now the relationship is pretty strained on my end. She keeps calling and emailing each day, but I don't pick up the phone or answer the emails. I crossed the line only so I could go home, and my heart sank when I did it. But if I didn't do it, I was not going to be discharged. So now I don't really want any contact with my sister. I exposed too much to her. And there's no going back....she's not going to just forget! Lol! It made me sick to my stomach to have to tell her about suicide and all my "demons". That is just so private and protected by me.....I can't deal with her knowing. She's incredibly supportive towards me, but now I know her thoughts behind those eyes will be assessing me and trying to help me. It was a line that I never would have crossed, and it was a huge mistake on the part of the pdoc. I'm going to have to distance myself from my sister for a very long time now.
And I've been having these synthesized marrocas shaking in my head since I was there. I mentioned it once, but I was just smiled at. It only stops when I'm asleep. My eyes dance with it sometimes, and darn if I'm not going to slam into a wall or have a seizure sometime. It's driving me "insane". And I don't know if it has anything to do with the marrocas in my head, but I'm having a lot of trouble understanding people. They'll be talking to me, and I can hear them....it's not that I'm going deaf or anything. But I'll think they said something different, and we end up looking strangely at each other when I respond. Lol!! I began to feel like such an idiot when I kept doing this with people. Or I can't understand what they're saying because all I hear are syllables. I have no idea what they are saying. It's a foreign language. So I have to ask them to repeat it. It's so embarrassing. And I have nightmare after nightmare when I sleep. And the majority of them have something to do with blood. It's horrible to wake up repeatedly with that fear racing through you. And they just don't stop. And I smell body odor! Lol! I'll be walking around, and it seems that I stink!! I'm thinking that people will smell me. And even after taking showers, I still can smell my body odor. I don't get what that means, but it's bothersome.
Jeepers, I did't mean to write this much. Get me near a keyboard and you can't pull me away. Lol!
Okay, I'm heading for bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open. Hopefully I'll actually sleep tonight.
Thanks for the support, everyone!
Hugs,
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040406/msgs/334744.html