Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:15:39
In reply to Re: Help Me » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 18:40:03
Well, maybe tomorrow. I feel used and abused right now. And I really don't want to trust that the hospital staff would treat me any better than that cop. I was in a real low period of my life, and the jerk nearly pushed me over, you know?
I was going to drink my bottle of sparkling wine tonight, but I'm just too tired to do that now. I just want to crawl under the sheets. But I keep replaying that scene over and over again....I think I'm going to have difficulties in bed when I only have my thoughts with me. Maybe I should take a couple of my daughter's sleeping pills??
I am so depressed right now. I feel like I was torn apart. And it was so unjustified. But I always have received the bum wrap. That cop should have just put his hands around my throat and strangled me like my hubby used to do. At least it's something I'm used to.
I'm so sad. What happened was so uncalled for. And he just walked out with his catty little comments, while I'm sitting in the chair covering my eyes and crying. Good way to deal with a possible suicidal!
I'm freezing again. And I'm tired. And I feel utterly defeated. Try to lift my head, and get whacked one more time. He was just so mean when what I needed was some love. Blah. What a jerk he was, what a fool I was.
Why did that have to happen? I didn't need that. And he wouldn't stop yelling. And if he wasn't yelling, he was making snide remarks. I know I shouldn't put so much value on this stranger's actions, but I can't help it. Aren't the police suppose to help? True, I'm not a tax-payer so I don't "deserve" their services....but I am law-abiding and I was TRYING to be productive. Now I'm good for nothing, and I guess this guy just saw a piece of trash that needed some stomping on. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I really am a nothing. Maybe I really don't have anything to offer. Maybe it doesn't matter if my feelings get hurt. Maybe I really am as worthless as I feel right now.
How could he do that? What kind of police officer is he? Why didn't his partner stand up to him? He tried at the end, but the BAD cop just talked right over him and made him leave. Well, at least the GOOD cop saw the marks on my wrist...even if he didn't understand what they were. Maybe he'll not share the same opinion of me as the BAD cop.
I know I'll be poking my wrist more tonight after the kids go to bed. I just have to. I have a big scar there from last year, and I swore I would never put marks on places that are visible....but I really, really need to tonight. I just need to hurt myself.
I'm sorry all my messages lately are so down. It would be nice to get back to my old self....but I don't believe that will happen. And the others have called me strong. HA!! I've never been strong. I don't know how I got through all that I've experienced, but it certainly wasn't from some inner fortitude. And if it was, well...that fortitude is long dead.
I'm rambling too much. Criminal mischief, you know. I'm going against the BAD cop's wishes by writing to you guys. Maybe I should stop writing, though. We're not getting anywhere. I'm depressing you all, you keep telling me to buck up and get into the hospital, and I keep saying that I can't do it by myself and that I have no one else to help me through with it. So we get nowhere.
I either survive or die, right? I can't say which way it'll go myself. If I receive any more punches like today, I might as well dig my own grave!
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/330027.html