Posted by Magdalena on March 17, 2004, at 13:18:10
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
Hi jlynne,
I can only imagine how hard it must of been for you to open up to us about your past. First off here is a big hug for you *SQUUEZE* you are a beautiful person and i can bet you are a great friend and mother. Your story helped me reflect on my childhood, i didnt have the best childhood nor the worst but when i look back i get a very sad lonely feeling, not sure why...i was a very shy child who spent a lot of time playing alone and when i had other kids around me i put on a 'clown' persona and i think i have been the same eversince.
I have read quite a bit on depression, anxiety symptoms and i am very sure that this started in my childhood although im not sure why.
i had insmonia for 2 years at age 8 and 9, i never wanted to go to school, would get physically ill, they did every test on me but they came out negative, i would cry -A LOT. I worried about my parents not loving me or thinking they might die.
I got made fun of for a few years (like most kids do) through gr 4-7 because i was a small girl and needed braces. I got braces in grade 7 and all that torment was left back there although sometimes it still hurts. but thats something i learned to accept, kids make fun of kids it happens.
(sorry this is long , now im rambling) Then my parents got divorced when i was 12 and my sadness got WORSE then i was soo sad, i wanted to be with both, then i felt anxiety because my dad was alone and i didnt want him to be sad/lonely. (my mom remarried). Thats when i made friends with a 'bad crowd' and got in to drugs and all that to escape my pain and lonelyness...up until i met my ex who then suddenly became my world. i was 16 and we spent the next 5 years together and nothing else mattered. To make this very long story short, once problems started happening is when i started to purposly dissociate where i would mentally invision a place and i would go there. i would practice this often until i felt physically 'gone' then i started experinceing 'out of body experinces' when i was sleeping, ( i could tell you about those later) until one day i paniced when i was inducing one( i learned how) and havnt done it since. When it happens now its anywhere, at work, in a mall, at someones house, and it makes me VERY anxious.
Its a feeling of being 'out of control', disconnected from the physcial, i look in the mirror to make sure i am still here, my arms/hands feel tingly, my vision gets blurred adn it makes me paranoid! It tottaly hard to function, but i try hard to push though by carrying on with what i was doing, and it lessens a bit then goes after a while.
I obsess about similar things, it is my biggest fear to burn down the house, considering that i live at my moms house(with the step dad) and they would kill me. I light candles and burn oil to relax and feel good but sometimes when i go out i obsess on whether or not i blew out the candles, its so bad that everytime i make whoever take me back home to check because i would not rest otherwise. I obsess about something else too that is newer to my obsessions and what i think made me want to get medicated. I obsess about getting sick when i am out, i mean pysically sick to the point where i start to have a stomch ache and it just reinforces the fear. I fear the embaressment of being in that state around my boyfriend or his family or people i just meet. it makes me not attend work meetings and it a lot of other events.
One thing we have in common though is that you put perfume on your wrists cause you sleep on them! I TOTTALY DO THAT TOO!! except not with perfume instead its sented cream. you should try it, its especially for sleep.
its called The Healing garden, zzztheraphy, silk pajamas body lotion. its a little 54 ml bottle and it smells so good, subtle but calming and i use it everynight before i go to bed, i rub it on my wrists and sometimes a tiny bit on my pillow and it helps me sleep so much better.
anyway im sorry to anyone who is reading this that i made it so VERY LONG, its just that jlynne your last post made me introspective and these thoughts just came pouring out.
Thanks for taking the time to write, im so glad you are finding it easier to post here with us. It makes me happy to think that we could have helped you on one of your insecurities.:)
ok thats all for now. Have a great day/night.
(that goes to all of you)Magdalena
poster:Magdalena
thread:323847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040316/msgs/325306.html