Posted by LynneDa on March 15, 2004, at 19:11:58
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Tiny - I certainly feel for you. My husband doesn't really get Depression. He thinks I should just "pull myself up by my bootstraps and get over it!" He's terribly depressed now himself because of his job situation and his ex-wife, but he says his depression will end when his job improves and his ex calms down.
You have had so much stress in a short time!! Moving to a foreign country, you mentioned stalkers, etc. Wow!
I really second the idea of getting your husband to talk to your therapist - without you being there to interject or direct the conversation would probably have more credibility. Would he do this?
He is under stress too, obviously, and his stress reactions are hurting you and are extremely counter-productive to getting what he wants: a healthy wife who will take care of his needs.
Maybe he doesn't know how to react, maybe he's never been taught how to deal sensitively with another person's emotional issues. It's a rare man who can, I'm sorry to say (not being cynical, just truthful!) - except for the men on this site of course :-).
Can you focus on him and his feelings and see if he opens up better? Saying you understand how stressful this is on him - to not have the wife and home he envisioned having? He is probably grieving/mourning the loss of his dream too, as you go through your recovery, but he doesn't recognize it. Lashing out at you doesn't make the problem go away, but at least he can feel like none of it is his fault. He needs to realize that it won't be like this forever!
Tiny - you need to act for yourself. I know he undermines you. If you can't get him to support you - or at least leave you alone - then you have to focus on yourself somehow. Block him out somehow. Enjoy the small victories you make each day - I know you have them. Keep a journal. Write to us. Write to him, for that matter. You are NOT the sum total of your husband's opinion of you, you're better than that. You are working hard, taking action and fighting off your illness - that takes courage and an enormous amount of energy! That is your job right now.
I truly hope the 2 of you find your way!!!
~ Lynne
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poster:LynneDa
thread:324476
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040305/msgs/324745.html