Posted by fallsfall on March 15, 2004, at 7:47:10
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Tiny,
It is hard enough to be depressed, but when you don't get understanding from the person who is supposed to love you the most - that is really hard.
It sounds like you are trying really hard to do things that will help your depression. Please know that even if he doesn't acknowledge your work to get better that your work is very important.
Has he ever read any books on depression? Would he be willing to learn more about it? My husband was not a reader, but there was a book that I desperately wanted him to hear and understand. So I sat him down on the couch and I read part of it to him. He did listen and we talked about it a bit, reading the book did help.
Has he ever been to a therapy appointment with you? Sometimes it is really hard to share your therapist (maybe you need a special appointment for the two of you). The goal of the appointment could be for you and your therapist to explain how you are feeling to your husband, and help him to understand how he can help you get better. But you probably will also need to hear how he feels about your illness - won't be pleasant, but it probably is really necessary for both viewpoints to be aired.
Can the two of you agree on a morning ritual? Is there a special place he can put his keys etc (where you will promise not to move them!!!) so that he can find his stuff without yelling at you? If you are moving his stuff, then he does have a valid reason to ask you where you put it. Would you be able to not move his things if they are put in the "right" place?
As someone who should be walking every day (and I even got two dogs so that I would have extra incentive to walk...) I found your walking discussion interesting. I agree that walking will NOT cure all of your depression. I also agree that walking is good for your body and for your mind. But the think that really struck me was that I would walk every day if I had someone to walk with. Somehow the dogs aren't doing it for me - I need to be accountable to a person who is standing at my front door wondering why I don't have any shoes on. So, my question is: Would your husband walk WITH you? This would have a bunch of benefits. You would get more exercise. He would get more exercise. You would be spending productive (hopefully pleasant) time together. But most importantly (for both you and for him), he would be actively doing something to help you. Then he wouldn't feel as powerless, and you would feel more supported.
Getting your spouse to understand what you are going through and how they can help (and also how they can stop making it more difficult) is really hard. My husband was TOO helpful. When my goal for the day was to do the dishes after dinner, but I needed a bathroom break between dinner and doing the dishes, I would come back to the kitchen and he would have already done the dishes. He was "helping me". But then I no longer could meet my goal! It took a long time to convince him that NOT helping was more helpful.
I hope that he is interested in finding out how he can be helpful to you.
poster:fallsfall
thread:324476
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040305/msgs/324530.html