Posted by st@cy on January 2, 2004, at 12:48:49
well, i messed up again..leave it to me to almost burn my grandparents house down. i left overnight to go back to the university for new years and forgot to shut off my heating blanket. when i got home i had no bed or blankets. grampa yelled at me and told me that the blanket caught fire and the house could've gone down in flames cos of my ignorance. yep, no one else but me. go figure, i always mess up. i can't ever do anything right anyway and just when i think things are good, well...something like this reminds me of how much of a disgrace i am. then to make things worse, i went to my mother's to catch up on some rest. i told her that i felt like a burden staying at my grandparents place and she talked to her girlfriend about me staying there over winter breaks and such. she woke me up to have a little talk with her and her gf.. it came down to this: her girlfriend told me straight up, "you're messed up, you cut yourself and i think you are psychotic..you are not even allowed to have a pen or pencil unless you ask me for it and if i ever disagree with what you do i can beat the shit out of you and not get into trouble for child abuse because now you are 18." yep, and mom just let her say it. she also told me there is nothing i can do to change her opinion of me and her entire family wants to break my neck because i cut myself and their children might see it. it made me feel diseased and contageous, like if thier kids came into contact with me they'd start cutting themselves and be psychotic. i feel so ashamed of myself and i regret everything about myself. i want to say i'm sorry, but who cares anymore? it's an old story. i thought about suicide, but that would just make them hate me even more and prove that they are right about me. i have this terrible pain in my chest, i want to cry..but what is the point? to feel sorry for myself? i'm scum and i know it. i just want to move far away to get away from all of this. i never want to come back. i want to go somewhere where no one knows me and i can start over, forget my past. i can't forget my mistakes i've made here. it's been years, and still my mom and her girlfriend remind me of them everyday. they can't forgive me and i'll always be screwed up to them, a sicko, a psycho. there is nothing i can do to change that. i could go for the rest of my life mentally sound and perfect, but to them i'd still be "diseased". i hate myself because they won't let me forget my faults, they won't let me forgive myself.
poster:st@cy
thread:295751
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031229/msgs/295751.html